Alleged Witch Doctor Stirs Up White Supremacists

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Thursday, 17 September 2009

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The man who had the audacity to hope for the same level of decorum as every other President.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The House of Representatives on Tuesday formally admonished Republican Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina for shouting "you lie" during President Obama's speech to a joint session of Congress last week.

The House passed a resolution of disapproval on a 240-179 vote that largely reflected a split between the North and the South that still persists nearly a century and a half after the Civil War.

According to the Office of the House Historian, though every President has included lies in a speech to a joint session of Congress, this was the first time in 220 years the president has not been white, which no doubt contributed to the breach of decorum.

"It only happened when this country elected a president of color," said Rep. Hank Johnson of Georgia, referring to the outburst that has been called "a wink of approval to right-wing extremists."

During debate on the resolution to formally rebuke him, Wilson called the measure "a waste of time" and refused to apologize to the Chamber, like a stubborn child refusing to apologize to his classmates for an outburst that also wasted their time.

In fact, the man who refused to give up the fight to keep a Confederate flag flying above South Carolina longer than almost any other conservative in his state wasted a great deal of time explaining how an apology would be a waste of time.

"When we are done here today, we will not have taken any further steps toward helping the nation deal with urgent challenges," said a stalling Wilson, though it is unclear if he was referring to the racist undercurrent in America that has millions of white Americans, and at least one very confused spoof writer, depicting President Obama with a Hitler moustache or as an African witch doctor.

"It is time that we move forward and get back to work for the American people," rambled Wilson, likely referring to the white Southerners he had previously enjoyed getting back to work for under the late Senator Strom Thurmond.

Wilson, it should be noted, saw Essie Mae Washington-Williams' revelation that she was the daughter of Strom Thurmond and his black maid as "a smear" on Thurmond's segregationist legacy, and a way to "diminish" his former boss' image as a racist.

Nevertheless, the outburst by the misrepresentative of South Carolina's black voters was deemed a breach of decorum that "degraded the proceedings of the joint session, to the discredit of the House."

House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio said the resolution amounted to "piling on," though many sensible Americans consider the appropriation of swastikas and voodoo symbolism in the fight against an affordable public health care option more "piling on" by a fringe group unable to stomach a black man, as President, having more power than any single white citizen in this country.

Republican Rep. Steve King of Iowa has begun circulating a letter among House Republicans urging Wilson not to apologize on the House floor, using the typical hawkish language enjoyed by so many conservatives, like "hold your ground... reject all demands... no observer has any claim."

Our non-white President, though not so far removed in political philosophy from noted Caucasian Hillary Clinton and her white husband Bill, is expected to endure at least three more years of disproportionately fierce attacks from a fringe of Americans who embrace in its entirety an ancient document containing passages like Colossians 3:22, Ephesians 6:5, and John 13:16.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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