F-Mart To Go Topless To Bring Back Customers

Thursday, 17 September 2009


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In a desperate move to try and bring customers back to their stores, F-Mart has announced plans to go topless at their cash registers. This announcement comes on the heels of National Breast Appreciation Day (September 28th), and that will also be the start day for the new program.

The giant discount store chain, once the largest in the country, is now running a distant third in sales. Several locations have closed in the past few years in an attempt to "consolidate recources" (meaning: stop losing money).

Store windows will now be painted black or be covered with advertisements to keep people from peeking inside. Cashiers will also be required to work topless.

As a benefit to customers with larger purchases, they will be rung up by more attractive cashiers with larger breasts. For example, a person who runs in and just buys a package of socks will go to the express line and be waited on by an Asian woman with tiny tits or a big, fat guy with manboobs. A person buying school supplies for their kids will get an average B or C cup cashier. The customer, however, who purchases a big screen television will get the former high school cheerleader with the double D rack.

When asked how this would work with women shoppers, company Vice President Dick Scrotus said "we intend to become the shopping choice for the discriminating male and lesbian clientele. We also are going after the male teenage demographic."

"There is also a strong possibility that attractive female customers will choose to remove blouse and bra to compete with the cashiers."

As a result of this possibility, the front basket of F-Mart shopping carts will have the metal covered with cloth so that sagging women have a more comfortable place to rest their breasts.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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