Former Vice-President Dick Cheney Is Having Back Surgery

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Thursday, 17 September 2009

image for Former Vice-President Dick Cheney Is Having Back Surgery
The hospital room where Cheney will be recovering from his back surgery. Cheney's bed is on the far right (of course!)

BALTIMORE - Dick Cheney, the man who was President George W. Bush's vice-president, well at least on paper, has entered The Mrs. Lord Baltimore Hospital where he will undergo back surgery.

Cheney, who for eight years probably said a total of about 600 words, when asked what was wrong with his back told reporters that they really needed to mind their own friggin' business.

His next door neighbor Ryne F. Zambrezzi, 93, told dozens of reporters that had assembled on his lawn that Cheney wanted to dispel the rumor that has been circulating around Maryland and the southern Pennsylvania area that he had gotten shot in the back by his old hunting buddy Harry Whittington.

Whittington was the poor fella who Cheney shot back on February of 2006, while the two were out bird hunting on a ranch outside of Corpus Christi, Texas.

The 78-year-old Whittington got shot by "Shotgun Dick" in his face, neck, chest, and left ankle. Whittington, an ex-lawyer is not that tall and kind of on the skinny side, but he certainly does not resemble a white-tailed dove by any stretch of the imagination.

Whittington who has a good sense of humor reportedly stated that he was just glad that he and Dick had not been hunting elephants because then Cheney would have been using a much bigger rifle and then the wounds would have been some real serious sumbitches.

Cheney has recently appeared on just about every single talk show in America, with the possible exception of Andy Dick's "Talking With The Dick."

And that is the one show that CNN's Wolf Blitzer quipped was the show that Cheney should have definitely gone on.

Blitzer added that since leaving office Cheney, which rhymes with arrogant, has talked more in eight weeks than he did the whole eight years that he served as Dubya's vice-president.

Anderson Cooper noted that Cheney had spent more time hiding out in his secretive vice-presidential bunker than Kirstie Alley, Wynonna Judd, and Oprah Winfrey had collectively spent eating.

A throng of reporters assembled at the hospital for a press conference from Cheney's personal physician, Dr. Hirofumi Yamaporo, III. The doctor was asked how Cheney was feeling. Yamaporo said "Cheney he no feeling too good as we spreak".

He was then asked if the former vice-president was talking. Dr. Yamaporo raised his eyebrows and answered, "Oh hell yes, the gray-haired old coot he no stop yapping. Old guy mention things like Geritol, soft food, Viagra, and how he no like President Obama, who he call President Obruda. He also talk about something he call weapons of 'mrass' destruction."

Dr. Yamaporo was asked what exactly was wrong with Mr. Cheney and he replied that it was a secret.

One of the reporters asked him to please tell them what it is. Dr. Yams, as his receptionist calls him, replied "Okey dokey, a secret is like when you keep knowledge and/or information about something to yourself without revealing said knowledge and/or information to anyone else."

The assembled throng of reporters let out a collective "Noooo!" They then informed the doctor that they were upset that he was not giving them any information.

Dr. Yamaporo smiled and asked if they were really, really upset. They responded that they were. The doctor then smiled, looked down at his stethoscope and said into the 79 microphones in front of him, "Then I suggest that all of you build a bridge...and get over it. Thank you and as they say down in Tijuana, adios blue eyes.

SIDENOTE: One of the nurses who is attending to the ex-vice-president spoke on the condition of anonymity (and the payment of $20) and said that the problem with Cheney's back is that it has a hunting knife sticking in it.

The unnamed nurse said that the injury is not really considered to be too serious since it did miss Cheney's mouth by about three feet. The nurse who has been identified by Larry King as Esmeralda D. Ombligo, 46, formerly of Vera Cruz, Mexico, and now residing in a mobile home just outside of Baltimore, noted that she definitely saw the hunting knife up close and she did happen to notice the initials "GWB" etched on the blade.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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