Michael Jackson's Big Brooklyn Birthday Bash!
BROOKLYN, NY, USA A massive dance party was held in Prospect Park to commemorate Michael Jackson's 51st birthday on Saturday. Thousands of devoted fans danced close together in the rain and mud, facing a large stage where deejays played selection...
Read full storyArsene Wenger Offered Leading Role In New Mel Gibson Movie - The Passion Of The Christ Part Two
It's the hottest ticket in Tinseltown, the role of an ageing redeemer in Mel Gibson's upcoming movie, The Passion Of The Christ Part Two. Gibson has scoured the world in attempt to cast the lead role, until he finally saw his man whilst watching c...
Read full storyJaycee Lee Dugard's Abductor "Even Weirder Than First Thought."
California police today disturbingly announced that Phillip Garrido, the abductor of Jaycee Lee Dugard, was in fact, way weirder than even they had initially suspected. Police Chief, Erwin Rummel, of Neverland County, California, announced that th...
Read full storyWas Brian Jones really at the bottom of a swimming pool?
Sussex - (Mariane Faithfull Mars Bar Mess): Not really. But police have reopened the file on Rolling Stones wildman Brian Jones' 1969 drowning after an underworld tipoff. The guitarist was originally found bobbing up and down in a pool at Crotchf...
Read full storyNew Japanese Restaurant Opens in Soho
Police were called to London's "Soho" this evening after reports of people screaming & jumping out of sliding doors. The Japanese Association of Tyrants, Torturers and Trouser Ticklers recently opened a restaurant just next to the Fire Station...
Read full storySecurity Guard Wins Booker Prize
A security guard has won the Booker Prize for his debut novel, 'Acton Nights'. Juan Stuart wrote the book during shifts at the local warehouse, where he was the night security guard. "I spent my days dreaming of being a writer and my nights writing m...
Read full storyGere Detained in Cavy Cavity Contraband Controversy
NEW YORK CITY, NY, USA Actor Richard Gere was arrested by United States customs officials at New York's J F Kennedy International Airport on suspicion of smuggling following a Transatlantic flight which arrived late this afternoon. Gere had near...
Read full storyBoston To Change Its Name To Teddy Town
BOSTON - The city council of Boston voted by a 6 to 4 vote to change the city's name from Boston to Teddy Town. The move is in honor of one of the most famous residents in Massachusetts history along with Miles Standish, Paul Revere, Henry Wadswo...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse Spotted Running Down NYC Street With Huge Ass!
Everything happens to poor Amy Winehouse. After all the crazy scenes over the past year you would have thought she couldn't possibly do anything any more embarrassing than some of the things reported about her. She's had her house broken into. She...
Read full storyPolice Reopen Investigation Into Crucifixion
The Metropolitan Police today announced that they were reopening their investigation into the "supposed" death of a man over 2000 years ago. This follows certain new evidence being made available to them. The incident has led to numerous theories ove...
Read full storyNow the Carnival is Over
Balmoral Castle - (Grim Reaper Mess): Seventy years after her father invaded Poland Hitler's daughter has locked herself in her Scottish throneroom with a Duchy Originals self-euthanasia kit and a loaded shotgun. Even the twelfth anniversary of P...
Read full story#10 Man With The World's Strongest Penis Back In Court
Clarence Clabbercod, the man with the world's strongest is once again back in divorce court, now for the seventh time. "I may set Elizabeth Taylor or Mickey Rooney's record", stated Clabbercod. "I'll have to check the Guinness Book of Stout." M...
Read full storyMichael Jackson's Belated Burial Birthday Bash Goes Global
Mexico City, Mexico - Looking like a scene taken right out of the movie "V" or "The Three Amigos", a tsunami of humanity wearing black hats flooded the streets of Mexico City today. It was not, however, in political protest against the government but...
Read full storyNew STI Pandemic Threatens the World
We've had Small Pox, We've had Bird Flu, We've had Swine Flu, but a new Sexually Transmitted Infection threatens to wipe those infections off the map,and may spell the end for mankind as we know it. Rosea Pelmetum Explodum or Canvey Rose as it has...
Read full storyUK's STIs traced to single point of origin
The United Kingdom faces a frightening epidemic today, an epidemic of almost Biblical proportions. As young people all over the country opened their GCSE results and planned their "Big Nights Out" to celebrate or commiserate, specialist Sexual He...
Read full storyAlice Cooper Shocked by Ruling
NEW YORK CITY, NY, USA A local magistrate has issued an unusual ruling following his determination that an American kestrel recently rescued from a marauding gang of pigeons and mourning doves in the Bronx had indeed infringed upon the copyrighted p...
Read full storyCheney Offers to be Waterboarded
Former Vice President Richard Cheney has volunteered to be waterboarded-in exchange for the cancellation of a planned probe into the alleged abuse of terrorist suspects under the Bush-Cheney administration. "This is a terrible political decision aime...
Read full storyBAN On Making Gun Shaped Hands
The next stage of sheeple like fear ingrained into the UK populace about inanimate objects has now been rushed through parliament, after a man held up a corner shop with his hand. He entered the shop holding his hand out in front of him, making it in...
Read full storyDutton quits spoof writing partnership following "violent intimidation"
The spoof news writing world is in dismay this morning following a post on a website announcing that Dutton from the spoof comedy writing team Collins and Dutton was quiting the partnership. The message was posted on the Collins and Dutton wesbite...
Read full storyThe Lesson
The Lesson Looking out of a sky-blue window, A parting among the clouds, Using a thunderbolt like a needle Pointing out places on a map,-which is real All the power of the galaxy In a jar marked 'Universe' That tadpoles used to swim in. The way to make ant-people cower By just blowing on the sea a bit, Drowning the surrounding land... A typical Environment lesson ; Even as far aw...
Read full storyLockerbie Bomber Pleads For Political Asylum In UK
The Lockerbie bomber is regretting his repatriation to Libya and has asked to return to the United Kingdom. "This place is a f*****g dump! F*****g sand everywhere and it stinks of crude oil"! These are the main complaints of Abdel Baset Al Megrahi...
Read full storyIceland: Bank promises to give it all back (eventually)
Yesterday Iceland, the troubled bank, have agreed to pay the money (lost last year) back to their investors. Iceland's CEO John T Icehole held a news conference. "We're very sorry for the distress we've caused the UK and the world", he said, "we a...
Read full storyGiant hedgehog sighting explained
The mystery behind reported sightings of a "giant hedgehog" has been solved. Five local residents of a skanky, run down estate reported seeing a "fucking massive hedgehog" in the early hours of Saturday, but it was later discovered that the "hedg...
Read full storyUsain Bolt may be fast but he certainly lacks a "Bunch of Grapes!"
Usain Bolt fastest man ever on the planet has been accused by ex-Olympic gold medal winner (when no-one else was participating apart from Lichtenstein and Andorra!), Lynford Christie, of not having a "Bunch of grapes! Lynford was well known as hav...
Read full storyObama Moves to Take over Mattress Companies: Last Safe Haven for Savings Threatened!
Soft Springs, Iowa/ Financial News - In a shocking move President Barack Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner and the Federal Deposit Insurance Company (FDIC) to move in and take control of the nation's faltering mattress manufacturing indus...
Read full storyWorlds most foul mouthed band found dry at the "Oasis"!
The foul mouth Gallagher Bros. have at last decided to stop punishing the world with their "stroppy" attitudes, useless behaviour and rather crappy music, thank Allah (who?) The "Oasis" has run very dry and the brothers + the others are splitting...
Read full storyWorld Record GCSE count broken
With the GCSE results now out, one student has broken the world record for the number of GCSE A* passes since records began (about 1952). Phillipa Phillips (Pip Pip to her friends), studied for the by now traditional fifteen GCSEs, but in addition...
Read full storyJeremy Kyle steps in to heal Oasis' Gallagher brother rift
TV chat show host Jeremy Kyle is to host a special Oasis episode in order to try and help the Gallagher brothers mend their recent rift. The levels of problems between the two brothers hit a new high in the last few days, seeing Noel quit the band...
Read full story12,937 Mexicans can't be wrong: Grabbed their dongs to honor Ted Kennedy
MEXICO CITY (ABSNN) - In what can only be called the most bizarre Ted Kennedy funeral tribute thus far seen on the planet, nearly 13,000 Mexicans grabbed their penises-or pretended to possess penises to grab-before the Monument of the Revolution in M...
Read full storyCandlelit Dinner
Burma was conquered, in 1824, by Britain, but it became independent in 1948. Eric Blair, or rather George Orwell, whose 1984 is precisely implemented in certain countries, served in Burma for five years; the result of this experience is his novel 'Burmese Days' (1934) and the essays 'A Hanging' (1931) and 'Shooting an Elephant' (1936). In 1962, General Ne Win led a coup d'état and ended the de...
Read full storyAmid concerns of politicization, President Obama's eulogy for Sen. Kennedy makes no reference to Sen. Kennedy.
Boston - Amid Republican concerns about politicizing the death of Senator Edward Kennedy, President Obama today gave a 16 minute eulogy without mentioning Sen Kennedy, the Kennedy family or Kennedy's 46 years in the US Senate. Instead, Obama chose to...
Read full story