Cheney Offers to be Waterboarded

Former Vice President Richard Cheney has volunteered to be waterboarded-in exchange for the cancellation of a planned probe into the alleged abuse of terrorist suspects under the Bush-Cheney administration. "This is a terrible political decision aimed a damaging my reputation, and lowering morale at the CIA," told a news conference at his previously "undisclosed location." Cheney said he would be happy to undergo watergboarding torture himself to prove the simulated drowning experience can be actually be fun. "Of course, I'd reserve the right to take some of that powerful anesthetic Michael Jackson abused before the water starts flowing. And like Michael, I'd like to be hooked up to an oxygen tank, Cheney told reporters assembled in a bombproof bunker at the Saudi Arabian embassy in Washington. "This is the last place the terrorists would have looked for me," Cheney declared.