We've had Small Pox, We've had Bird Flu, We've had Swine Flu, but a new Sexually Transmitted Infection threatens to wipe those infections off the map,and may spell the end for mankind as we know it.
Rosea Pelmetum Explodum or Canvey Rose as it has become known, has already struck over 60% of young men in the South East Coastal area of Essex.
Symptoms initially start with profuse sweating, vomiting, diahorrhea, piles, anal prolapse, massive purple boils along the length of the penis and the hardening of the scrotum until it becomes leathery and begins to crack. Within three days these symptoms pass, and the victim then begins the secondary phase this involves the testes shrinking to the size of garden peas, the penis turning luminous orange and lesions covering the entire lower half of the body.
Within a week the tertiary or final phase sets in whereby the penis goes into a permanent state of priapism and the victim involuntarily ejaculates and defecates themself at the same time. Eventually the penis splits into four at the helmet or bell end and peels back like the petals of a rose, once this occurs there is no treatment possible and death follows within months.
Sexual Health Think Tank "THROB" are believed to be investigating the source of this disease, they were unavailable for comment today, but it is believed that their investigations are centred around Canvey Island and the contiguous post code areas. This publication is also investigating rumours that THROB investigators have been seen taking samples at the notorious Canvey Island Pleasure Beach, where it is believed many sexually transmitted infection outbreaks have started.