The Lockerbie bomber is regretting his repatriation to Libya and has asked to return to the United Kingdom.
"This place is a f*****g dump! F*****g sand everywhere and it stinks of crude oil"! These are the main complaints of Abdel Baset Al Megrahi who arrived in Tripoli to a tumultuous welcome last Friday.
Mr Al Megrahi's grasp of current English idiom is impressive and he attributes it to living in a cell with 3 rancid Glaswegians for 5 years. "They taught me a f*****g lot, those Jock twats and I want to get back to my cell to finish my 2000 piece jigsaw of the Forth Bridge".
"I'm dying for a pint and a bacon sandwich and if I ever see another roasted f*****g goat I'll swing for the f****r who cooked it"!
"I just want to get away from the mother-in-law and as for her indoors, well, 8 years of pent-up DIY jobs - my f*****g knees are aching from tiling the bathroom and my hair is full of f*****g plaster dust from remodelling the conservatory. My daughter has f*****g herpes and my f*****g son's f*****g goat herd has caught anthrax from the biological f*****g warfare factory next f*****g door"!
"Some dozy bastard wakes me up at 4am wailing from a tower at the bottom of the f*****g garden and I have to attend f*****g tea parties at the presidential palace where that f*****g nutter Gadaffi insists on presenting me with f*****g "Hero Of f*****g Libya" medals - I've got a bedside drawer full of the f*****g things"!
"No, I've had enough" says Al Megrahi "and I'm on the 8.30 flight to Heathrow. I should be back in my cell by midnight and I can just taste the porridge for breakfast".
Asked if he expected any trouble at Immigration, Mr Al Megrahi explained that Lord Peter f*****g Mangelson, Business Secretary and Minister With A Finger In Every f*****g Pie had fixed it.