Cell Phone Popcorn feature now ban at movie theaters
Hollywood, California - Movie theaters not only are asking patrons to turn off their cell phones, but now days they are prohibiting them from popping corn with them as well. The new policy comes on the heels of a popular YouTube video showing cell ph...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse and Pete Docherty Filmed Snorting Baby Mice
Troubled singer Amy Winehouse was today at the centre of a new contraversy after being film snorting baby mice alongside fellow rocker Pete Docherty.
Read full storyFuel Crisis Deepens As Rooney Flies Family To Italian Wedding
The UK fuel crisis has worsened today following Wayne Rooney's last minute decision to fly his raggle-taggle chavvy gypsy family out to Italy to witness his lavish wedding.
Read full storySubway Franchise Admits To Selling Just Boring Salad Really
Health conscious food chain Subway has admitted that most of its food range consists of nothing more than "bland common or garden salad."...
Read full storySupreme Court Kicks Bush In The Nads
(Washington) - Despite having loaded the Supreme Court with neo-fascists during his two terms, President George W. Bush received a hard shot to the groin today when the court voted 5-4 to allow detainees being held by the U.S. military at Guantanamo...
Read full storyThere's a fat f**k in the forums, that's why**
Unaccustomed as I am, M'Lud, to dissecting the minutiae of cocktail-hour banter in the Writers' Lounge...I must on this occasion draw your attention to the pithy throwaway one-liner curveball slung in the direction of fetid-mouthed Mr Mutton-Dressed-as-Fox-Faeces Saga-Peddler today.
Read full storyJohn McCain Sex Tape Surfaces
Holy cow! Senator John McCain in a sex-tape? And not one made during his salad days at Annapolis, but last year, more like in his cigars and brandy nights? The choice was simple: Either film a sex-tape, or give the Bush White House to a Democrat.
Read full story"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" advance on the Nation's Capitol as Bush retreats from shorting the FDA budget
Washington, DC - Refusing any additional funding during the Congressional hearings on the Chinese wheat gluten and lead contamination scare to hire addition FDA inspectors, the Bush administration has reversed its position and now asks Congress for t...
Read full storyMars Phoenix Lander Bakes Cake
Houston TX-- NASA scientists were astonished today by a new discovery from the Phoenix Mars Lander. The little spacecraft landed at the martian north pole ten days ago. Yesterday, the lander placed a small sample of martian soil in a heated oven for...
Read full storyShadow Home Secretary Resigns Pointlessly
The shadow home secretary David Davies Davis today resigned pointlessly, and nobody really noticed. He said: 'Laws have eroded British civil liberties for years, and my resignation won't make the slightest bit of difference to that.'
Read full storyDavid Davis Resigns Over 42 Day Detention
David "Action Man" Davis the shadow home seceratary and Conservative member for the East Yorkshire constituency of Haltemprice & Howden, shocked political colleagues and opponents alike today by resigning his seat in order to force a by-ele...
Read full storyTop Justices Detained
Shortly after a 5-4 vote which restored the right of habeas corpus to Guantanamo detainees, U.S. Supreme Court Justices Anthony Kennedy, John Paul Stevens, David Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer were maced and shackled in a surprise leg...
Read full storyTheo Walcott: The Fast and The Frightened
Arsenal forward, Theo Walcott, is one of the world's fastest players, as well as petrified of balls, revealed manager, Arsene Wenger, during a press conference given after The Gunners' latest match against Fulham.
Read full storyWayne Marries In Italy
Football star Wayne Rooney got married in Italy to his childhood sweetheart, a plate of ravioli, at lunchtime today. The ceremony took place in the Ristorante Unapizza in Portofino, and the footballer's best man was a tube of cannelone, filled wi...
Read full storyChurchill Promises Vote On Joining Hitler's New European Empire; No Matter What We Want
Churchill, leader of our independent nation, today told reporters that he promises us a vote on joining the European super state, unless it looks certain that we will all say no.
Read full storyWar on Terror: Government to Lock up Everyone
Under a tough new counter-terrorism measure approved by the House of Commons yesterday, all inhabitants of the British Isles are to be detained indefinitely, except for MPs, judges, police, the intelligence services, and the army.
Read full storySean Connery To Visit Scotland
World-famous Scottish actor Sir Sean Connery is to visit the Edinburgh book festival this year.
Read full storyAlien given the boot
Gerald, the nosey Alien seen in a Video that is floating around Cyberspace, after being filmed by a Mr Pacman in Denver has been sacked.
Read full storyHealth Scare Over US Tomatoes
Today, millions of tomatoes were withdrawn from shops and stores across America, because of healthy-eating fears.
Read full storyBNP Wants 42 day limit abolished
After the vote in the commons on Wednesday, the leader of the British National Party said the 42 day limit should be abolished in favour of a new set of measures he proposes.
Read full storyCampbell the Hedghog
Campbell the Hedghog arrived home tyred (sic) and flat. Well he had, after all, been run over by a car.
Read full storyPresident Bush Inducted Into Druggie Hall Of Fame
Today President George W Bush was inducted into the Famous People Who Are Drugs Casualties Hall of Fame.
Read full storyEmma Watson Opens A Crisp Factory
It seems like history is repeating itself and once again Harry Potter actress Miss. Watson's copy cat skills have prevailed. Because this time, on hearing that fellow actor Radders had got his hands on a brand new spanking crisp factory, she too...
Read full storyBig Phil To Open Garage Near Stamford Bridge
Chelsea unveiled their new manager Big Phil at a Press conference this morning, with the first development likely to be the addition of a new service garage near to the Stamford Bridge ground.
Read full storyMedal winning places extended at this year's Olympics
To help prevent ill feeling, tears and general lowliness, it has been decided that in an era of goodwill to all men, peace and reconciliation, international co-operation and a mad man running Zimbabwe, the medal award positions will be greatly extend...
Read full storyFriends To Replace US Elections
The hit comedy show Friends will today replace all US elections.
Read full storyWayne Rooney Marries Pig
Wayne Rooney, the Manchester United and England centre forward, has married his childhood sweetheart, a pig named Colly, in a ceremony at the 17th Century Villa Durazzo in the Italian town of Portofino, the mayor of...
Read full storyNew events approved just in time for Beijing Olympics
In a surprise move mere weeks before the start of the Olympic games in Beijing, the International Olympic Committee have announced the inclusion of some extra events to broaden the appeal for television watchers of the games throughout the world.
Read full storyFriday the 13th UFO heading for Windsor Castle
Windsor - (Alien Mess): An ominous-looking 'Grim Reaper' craft was seen emerging from a secret Transylvanian site today close to Austrian incest nutter Joseph Fritzl's secret tunnel network, heading directly towards its mothership hangar beneath Wind...
Read full storyMcCain investigated over Obama plant
John McCain has today been the center of an investigation into election fixing. The Republican candidate is accused of planting the opposing contender Barack Obama in a bid to scupper the chances of a Democratic election.
Read full storyDaniel Radcliffe Opens A Crisp Factory
Not content with just causing obesity via his chocolate factory, Daniel Radcliffe or Radders as we all like to call him, has bought a crisp factory so he can line his bank account with profits from more bad tasting, cheaply made, insanely high in fat...
Read full storyAintgottaprayer.con launches rival 'Dead Christian' email service
Cyberspace - (Ass Mess): Internet spread betting giant Aintgottaprayer.con has diversified into the lucrative necrology sector after rival website Youvebeenleftbehind.con announced a new service for Christians that sends emails to a...
Read full storyASBO's Issuing Beatings To Criminal Youngsters
The older generation, victimised for years, have taken matters concerning youth crime into their own hands by doling out their own brand of punishment. In several cases, youths have been clubbed with walking sticks and beaten with zimmerframes.
Read full storyBullion heist cops in spoof terror files sting
London - (Dumb Ass Mess): "That's screwed them over good and proper!" was the delighted comment from the Met's Commander Jim B Ergerac following a national flap over some classified intelligence (sic) papers left carelessly behind o...
Read full storyGordon Brown personally telephones another voter
Hot on the heals of his fantastic, incredible, unbelievable, Conservative-beating and amazing majority of, er, 9 in the recent Commons vote on 42 days detention, Prime Minister Gordon Brown decided to telephone a random British voter to join in the c...
Read full storyMoD in Copyright Dispute over RAF
MoD officials have now released a statement in the latest round of their long running copyright claim over their globally recognised RAF roundel. The roundel which has long been synonymous with ageing rock group the who, is said to be popular with mo...
Read full storyBig Phil Targets Folan
Big Phil Scolari newly installed manager at rudderless Chelsea's FC has made it his intention to make Hull City goal machine Caleb Folan His priority target. Big Phil it is said will stop at nothing and is refusing to take no for an answer. With...
Read full storyPresidential Race to be determined by Rock, Paper, Scissors
After the last two elections and the long Democratic nominating process, people close to Barrack Obama and John McCain disclosed the the two have agreed to a game of rock, paper, scissors to determine the next president.
Read full storyFretful Moe N. Moe Dowdy: "Will Repubs Treat Michelle O the Way I trashed Hillary C?
Now that Moe Dowdy doesn't have Hillary to kick around any more, she has begun to worry out loud. Will the Republican attack dogs follow her bestial savaging of Hillary and visit it upon the black head of Michelle Obama...? The rapidly aging Dowdy sank her dentures into the Clinton campaign like Dracula on a million Minas. "She showed the way to the lost in the wilderness McCainanites&quo...
Read full storyTisch, Tisch...Tisch Family Causes Increase in Kool Cancer
The prop plane trailed its banner across the summer sky before the eyes of Tisch family fellow beach club members announcing: "Larry Tisch Sells Cancer Sticks!"...
Read full storyFity Cent Can't Sell LI Estate for...Fity Cent!
Ten dollars ago, Fity Cent promised his lady and their new born currencies that their LI Mansion would be theirs. Since the tenner has been spent and the promised house has lately been burnt to the ground, Fity thought he was in the clear.
Read full storyStrawberry Shortcake Breaks her Cherry!
1980's cartoon character Strawberry Shortcake has fallen victim to the Puritanizing of America.
Read full storyTomato Problems Traced To Mexican Farms
The tomato ban, which spread from Texas and New Mexico to nine states, then seventeen states, and then the entire country, has been traced to product imported from Mexico.
Read full storyAmerican Government Created Photoshop During Cold War to Prosecute Russians
Government official Dean Trumbell announced on his deathbed today that the American government created Photoshop in 1956 in order to falsify pictures they used as evidence against supposed Russian spies and captured communists.
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