(Washington) - Despite having loaded the Supreme Court with neo-fascists during his two terms, President George W. Bush received a hard shot to the groin today when the court voted 5-4 to allow detainees being held by the U.S. military at Guantanamo Bay to be treated as human beings.
The court's decision, coupled with the failure of the war in Iraq, the failure of the war in Afghanistan, the failure of the U.S. economy, and the failure of the Republicans during last year's mid term elections, dealt another wicked ass blow to the President's war on terror.
The court's decision allows Gitmo detainees to challenge their detention in federal court, and it forbids President Bush from continuing to make them wear French maid outfits while cleaning his gutters.
Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy said, "The laws and Constitution are designed to actually be used. They are not just some pretty doily-type decoration to be placed under your aging father's sweaty bald head in order to protect the back of your armchair. Here in the United States we are actually supposed to obey the law. I know it sucks, but it's true."
The ruling by the court overturns an executive order previously issued by President Bush that only allowed detainees to challenge their imprisonment "when Hell freezes over."
Preliminary intelligence obtained by the National Security Agency showed that immediately following the ruling a giant snowball fight broke out in Hell.
In a blistering dissent, Judge Antonin Scalia wrote, "The nation will live to regret what the court has done today. Next thing you know, women will want the vote and the darkies will want to live in my neighborhood."
In the lengthiest opinion he has written since joining the court (12 words), Justice Clarence Thomas wrote, "I concur with Tony Scalia, except for that part about the darkies."
President Bush, traveling in Europe and reeling from his total failure to get it on with German Chancellor Angela Merkel last night when she wouldn't drink the roofie-laden chocolate milk he offered her, said he disagreed with the decision but promised to abide by it "just like I've abided by all the other bullshit in the Constitution."
The President then sniggered a little and polished off the last of his chocolate milk.
When told of the decision, Guantanamo Detainee #45395 expressed the feelings of many Gitmo prisoners when he said, "Would you please disconnect the car battery from my nuts now?"