Bush dodges shoe at press conference
The world was outraged and sickened when two perfectly good shoes were hurled at the head of President George W.Bush at a recent press conference. The shoes, rumoured to have been steel tipped would have spelled the end of the President if they ha...
Read full storyObama's Friend, Reverend Wright Found Badly Beaten
After ranting and raving against the United States in his recorded church messages, Barack Obama's former pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, was found in pretty bad shape this morning by police in Chicago, who say it isn't a hate crime. "We fou...
Read full storyKarzai for Car Czar
President Obama in a brilliant move to garner attention for the bailout of the American automobile industry has proposed the name of the President of Afghanistan to be the new Czar of the automobile industry in this country. Anticipating criticis...
Read full storyMan Kills Roommate During Argument Over Cigarettes
A Florida man has been charged with second-degree murder after he strangled his roommate during an argument over cigarettes. Willy Blocke was arrested yesterday, according to Tampa police, who said the suspect killed Dock Bamar Ming, 43, when he...
Read full storyDrogba: "I am Rachel Hylton!"
In a sensational interview with the News Of The World, Chelsea striker Didier Drogba has made bizarre claims of leading a double life, and blamed the X-Factor for losing his place in the starting line up. Drogba claims that he was forced to feign...
Read full storyThe Twelve Days of Christmas Revisited
In respect of today's economic climate the old Christmas song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" are in need of readjusting (Bringing it into 21st century). The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy t...
Read full storyRockall not Volcanic in Origin Shock.
The population of Rockall, that magical North Atlantic island beloved by shipping weather forecast addicts the world over, was today astounded by new scientific evidence that their home's geological origins were not formed from volcanic granite quart...
Read full storyFaux Pas over Inappropriate Chinese Text
There were red faces on the editorial board of one of Germany's top scientific institutions, the Leipzig-based Max Planck Institute, after it ran the text of a handbill for a Macau strip club and knocking shop on the front page of its latest scientif...
Read full storySanta is forced to make considerable cuts as credit crunch bites!
In his North Pole Annual Report, Santa Claus has highlighted the enormity of the massive Global Economic downturn and its' effects have caused him to make some cuts too! He reported this gloomy information to In Seine News and readers must be warned that it does not make comfortable reading; "Two of my Reindeer, Cupid and Comet have chosen to take the 'early reindeer retirement package'. Thi...
Read full storyPresident Bush's Speech To American Soldiers In Iraq
'My fellow Himalayans, it is with great pride that I pause and wave sincerely, Mister President, then continue reading the autocow. The war on terror will not end by your leaving Iraq with dignity and courage, it will end by me leaving with dignity and curried egg, egg on my faces.' 'I said to Condolia Rice last week: 'Condi, sugar, if Americans haven't won the war in Iraq, ain't that the same...
Read full storyGeorge W. Bush's Farewell Speech Leaked
Dubya's final duty as outgoing President of the US is to apologize to the world for the past decade. In an anonymous email sent to In Seine News, a draft of copy of his farewell address to the nation has been revealed. This must be the most honest and humbling speech Bush has ever made and he is destined for a place in history. To: The World From: The USA Subject: Technical Notice Dear...
Read full storyRedneck driving licence application
Last name: ________________ First name (check appropriate box): [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth-Ann Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mech...
Read full story10 Top Tips at Golf Course Urinals
Don't get caught short on the links - here's ten pro-tips for the perfect whizz. 10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 9. Form a loose grip. 8. Keep your head down. 7. Avoid a quick backswing. 6. Stay out of the water. 5. Try not to hit anybody. 4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you. 3. You shouldn't stand directl...
Read full story101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Whistle the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amus...
Read full storyEx-General Schwarzkopf Claims He Could've Taken Iraq, Iran, North Korea
Interviewed at the Old Soldier's Rest Home & Canteen, former General Norman Schwarzkopf spoke to reporters yesterday about how he could've dealt with the War on Terror a little differently: I could've gone through the whole of Iraq like a bowie knife through hot shit if they had wanted me too. I could have then crushed Iran and cut off that little dictator's nuggets in North Korea within si...
Read full storyWallyMart Hiring Low IQ
Barton, Arkansas- You probably have already noticed it some time ago but WallyMart has been hiring employees from Mental Health facilities and earning for themselves some great publicity, but there's actually more to the story according to WWGG TV undercover correspondant, Harley Dinwitty: They hire those people because they will work cheap. They put the slowest ones up front and tell them, '...
Read full storyA Word From Tom Mullarkey
"The long, uphill battle against rolling accidents, such as overloaded shitwagons." According to Malarkey. The "mindless" attempts by government and the gumby society at large to eliminate all dangers in life are threatening personal freedom, says Tom Mullarkey, chief of the U.K.'s Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents & Gumbys. "The application of common sense and adult dia...
Read full storyBlind boy thrown out of home over dirty laundry
Harry Dick, blind boy born to a dwarf, transvestite, one-legged father and an eczyma ridden, hump-backed, jail-bird father (Harry has 2 daddy's) has been thrown out of his home in Ireland by his fathers. This news comes following a spate of incide...
Read full storyBlind boy suspended from school for fondling teacher
Dick Dick, brother to Harry Dick, blind and born to a dwarf, transvestite, one-legged father and an eczyma ridden, hump-backed, jail-bird father (he has 2 daddy's) has been suspended from his Special School for the Blind for handling the 'balls' of h...
Read full storyRomanian vagrant awarded sole begging rights to London city centre
Unfettered fury erupted in the High court earlier today when Romanian beggar Aberama Stanka, 39, was awarded sole begging rights to some of Central London's most famous and popular tourist attractions under ancient vagrancy laws revealed this week i...
Read full storyBlind boy suspended from school for pissing on teacher
Harry Dick, blind boy born to a dwarf, transvestite, one-legged father and an eczyma ridden, hump-backed, jail-bird father has been suspended from his Special School for the Blind for 'accidentally' urinating on his Parent craft teacher. Mr Gabrie...
Read full storyCholera outbreak traced to Buckingham Palace
London - (Sickening Ass Mess): Zimbabwe's fetid cholera outbreak has been traced to a dodgy composting toilet in Buckingham Palace's notorious 'H' Block. The organic throne room is used by senior members of the Puppet Monarchy four times a year as...
Read full storyHow to talk shit like a professional
Preface: This is another one of those "Jesus Budda self help advice columns". It's essentially shit. Which is good for the purposes of the article. Learning Materials: A human being with a voice box capable of emitting sounds(most likely yourself), a sarcastic tone, a light bulb (for use in darkened areas in which you need to see the person (s) you are about to talk shit to, a bag of drie...
Read full storyNew series, The Auto Zone, to air this Sunday
CBS (Come Buy Something) announced today that it's new series, Auto Zone, would air this Sunday night at 8pm est after it's primer, Blagojevich. Co-writers for the series and new hybrid owners, Richard Wagoner, Alan Mulally and Robert Nardelli sa...
Read full storyGhost of Princess Diana spotted drinking bottle of cider under tree with group of teenage bastards
Princess Diana's ghost is roaming the English countryside in need of cheap alcohol and the company of rowdy, drunken teenagers says the head of Scotland Yard. Detective Sheerluck Holmes, who has been leading the investigation into the reappearance...
Read full storyPersonal Details of Spoof Writers Revealed - They're Criminals, On-line Shock!
The personal details of Spoof Writers have been revealed on-line, for all the public to wilfully ignore. The secret details were thought to be revealed by a former disgruntled volunteer, who had engaged in a bitter argument, with administrator Sir...
Read full storyRockall Happy Slappers Gang Convicted - Sea bird beatings draw heavy sentences.
Cheers erupted from the public gallery of Rockall's weekly assize court yesterday as the Margrave of Rockall passed sentence on a gang of teenage asbos for their cowardly happy slapping attacks on the Promenades' pet sealion, cormorant and puffin pop...
Read full storyHow to Revoke Israel's UN Membership...and maybe give the Palestinians a chance at Life.
The Gaza Strip is now the largest holiday camp on the Mediterranean coast. Although the 1.5 million Palestinians living there have perfect security, cut off from their belligerent, war-mongering Israeli neighbours right next door, by walls and fences, minefields, snipers and gunship patrols (both airborne and naval) their begrudged portion of the Holy Land, previously known as Palestine, has becom...
Read full storyBritain's Oldest Human Brain Discovered
London, England - Scientists at York University have discovered what appears to be the oldest human brain in Britain. The brain was discovered in a five year old child during routine examinations at her nursery school in Northern England. Scie...
Read full storyAnother First for Barack Obama
August 29, 2008 - SAN FRANCISCO, CA - When Barack Obama left Invesco Stadium in Denver Thursday night, he got into a limousine and was driven away - making him the First Black Presidential Candidate to Leave a National Convention, as well as the Firs...
Read full storyRelinquish and Recultivate
The UN and WCU have announced evacuation of earth for all humans using newly developed space vessels that run on the moons gas emissions. This will allow the problem of global warming and the ozone layer to be fixed however we will have to relinquis...
Read full storySouth offers state trade to North
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Following the election of Barack Obama, the South, proving true to its "Red State" heritage in casting so many electoral votes for McCain, issued a press release to the North stating that they would like to trade Virginia and Nort...
Read full storyBarack Obama's Heritage Ignites Demonstrations In D.C.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A group calling itself "The Grays" rallied today in Washington, D.C. Calling for "an immediate end to the deception that has marginalized us for years," thousands of half black - half white people from around the country marched...
Read full storyPharmacy Cigarette Ban Only 1.3% Effective
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Following the San Francisco ban on the sale of cigarettes in pharmacies earlier this fall, an independent study group has concluded that the ban is approximately 1.3% effective in achieving its ends. "The controlling idea behin...
Read full story"Pants Suits" in Fashion
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Levi Tripp walks with a limp, but that is due to a previous affectation. Now he's suing the pants off B. Street Clothing to the tune of 1.3 million dollars. Tripp was crossing the street with two armloads of groceries when the...
Read full storyCalifornia Approves Prop 86 Ban on Same-Sex Divorce
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A proposition to ban the practice of allowing same-sex couples to break their sacred vows of matrimony was passed by California voters in Tuesday's election. At a ballroom in San Diego, the mood of supporters gathered in suppor...
Read full storyStudy Links Global Warming to Right-wing Media Hot Air Emissions
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Earlier this week, the Environmental Protection Agency released the highly anticipated results of a year-long study, confirming a long suspected link between right-wing media blowhards and current global warming trends. Though th...
Read full storyIntroducing: Pamela Anderson Designer Pantiliners
ST. LOUIS, Missouri - The Raveon Corporation, hurting from dwindling sales due to the fact that a lot of today's women are opting not to wear makeup has decided to get into the pantiliner business. So on Valentine's Day, 2009, Raveon will unveil,...
Read full storySanta Claus Bi-Polar
North and South Poles - The man known as Santa Claus, Saint Nick and Kris Kringle, who brings joy to millions of children around the world on Dec. 25 each year has been discovered to suffer debilitating bouts of depression after the holiday season en...
Read full storyCure found for Insomnia: Gordon Brown
Scientists have discovered a credible cure for insomnia or sleep deprivation. Its called Gordon Brown, UK Prime Minister. Acording to scientific experts, just listening to Mr Brown's sonorious speeches will induce deep sleep in a matter of second...
Read full storyGoodbye College!
This will be my last e-mail from the University Of Oregon. As I walk around this dreary, dark campus, I have transcribed segments of a monologue that took place in my head: Good-bye university. Good-bye elitist higher education. Good-bye snobby egotistical self-motivated professors who spout endless babble in their monotonous, overly rehearsed dialogue. How many times do I have to hear of the e...
Read full storyIt's Too Violent!
I am at my parent's house watching the fifth hour of a DATELINE NBC marathon. After shaking the image of Stone Phillips ranting in depth about murders of young girls on tropical islands, identity theft (father's worst fear), global war, and climate change, I was ready to make some phone calls, and get my Saturday night started. I checked my text messages, and either God was watching the same Datel...
Read full storyStop Or My Mom Will Nag!
Since the beginning of time, there has been conflict and war, and so it will be until the end of time. The only thing that changes is the weaponry. We were once angry cavemen throwing rocks and hand-crafted spears at one another, until we stepped up and created the fierce and deadly bow and arrow, flinging it at each other's heads with poison on the tips. Then, some curious warrior came across a s...
Read full storyTemperature Rising
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of blue ice-packs, I realize that buried deep somewhere beneath the lavender-scented, frozen bags lies a woman slightly resembling my mother, or the lovely woman I once recognized as mine. Currently experiencing a migraine headache caused by a result of a rush of hormones that shift faster and less predictability then the sharp turns of a New York cab dr...
Read full storyBenedict on Defensive after Jesus No-show
Pope Bendedict XVI has defended his client Jesus Christ after his failure to turn up for his scheduled comeback appearance on the X-Factor final. Reacting to comments that "Even Britney turned up for her gig" Xvi claimed that Jesus had merely got...
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