After ranting and raving against the United States in his recorded church messages, Barack Obama's former pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, was found in pretty bad shape this morning by police in Chicago, who say it isn't a hate crime.
"We found the victim lying where someone worked him over", stated Police Sargeant Ferris Wheel. "He was still in shock but apparently this had nothing to do with his sermons regarding 911 or how the United States dropped two atomic bombs on Japan during World War Two"
"From the best we can tell, the Reverend went too far in this past weekend's sermon and stated he DIDN'T LIKE SARA LEE! Now that's a dangerous thing to say."
"The reverend had definitely been waterboarded", stated a police spokeswoman. "It may well be that Ball Park Frank's gang. It had their trademark Ball Park Frank you-know-where. They're owned by Sara Lee as is a lot of other companies and casinos. Sara Lee's last name was Genetti."
"I feel sorry for the man. When they got him to eat at the hospital, he'd only eat Sara Lee products. You have to show him the box."
By this afternoon, Reverend Wright was feeling better and talked to one reporter.
"For pete's sake", stated Wright, "I was talking about Sarah Lee Smith in the choir. She sounds just like a screech owl and I don't like her.
