SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Earlier this week, the Environmental Protection Agency released the highly anticipated results of a year-long study, confirming a long suspected link between right-wing media blowhards and current global warming trends. Though these new statistics surprised almost no one, the severity of the problem does come as a bit of a surprise. While verbally noxious emissions often likened to "bile" or "venom" spewed by conservative talking heads have been considered nonetheless relatively harmless, environmental scientists have concluded these outbursts are actually quite toxic, roughly equivalent to the methane produced by digestive processes in ruminating cows and exuded as flatulence. The EPA noted that "these additional eruptions of hot air are an emission we can't afford," and that they "add to steadily climbing amounts of other harmful greenhouse gases including carbon dioxide, methane, ozone and nitrous oxide."
The EPA also released a list of notable hot air emitters, dubbed "The Big Five": Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham and Bill O'Reilly, with bloated gasbag Rush Limbaugh topping the list.
Limbaugh alone reportedly belches more than 229,000 metric tons of hot air into the atmosphere every week on average, a figure the EPA cited as "alarming." In fact, Limbaugh's statement that "when there is damage to the environment, there is no one who wants to fix it more than I do" was determined by the EPA as the single largest release of hot air on record by any windbag, roughly equaling the total yearly contribution of more than 150 average right-wing media blowhards. Limbaugh also claimed the fourth-largest single gaseous discharge when he said that "despite the hysterics of a few pseudo-scientists, there is no reason to believe in global warming." Surprisingly, most pseudo-scientists don't even agree with Limbaugh's views and have publicly criticized his comment, excusing it as "hysterical."
Ann Coulter runs a close second to Limbaugh in the Big Five, averaging 193,000 metric tons of hot air weekly despite the almost incredible fact that she weighs a mere 6% as much as the noted right-wing media juggernaut, making her pound for pound the worst offender. She also laid claim to the third largest one-time emission with the statement, "Evidence disproving global warming has been pouring in." Other notable Coulter discharges include, "The core of environmentalism is a hatred for mankind," and "I take the Biblical idea. God gave us the earth," both of which made the top 20. The EPA noted that this additional hot air, compounded with already increasing greenhouse emissions, is "devastating."
Sean Hannity's claims that carbon offsets are "a sham" and "a crock" and his repeated criticism of Al Gore's efforts made him the third largest contributing gasbag. In reaction to the EPA's "Big Five" list, Hannity reportedly demanded a recount that would include contributions by featured guests like Ann Coulter as well as those of his co-host, leftist-pretender and slightly-to-the-right centrist and media foil Colmes, who barely cracked the top 50. Preliminary tallies indicate the two figures combined still don't quite stack up to either Coulter or Limbaugh. Not to be outdone, Hannity has vowed to step up his efforts, and is rumored to be compiling a short list of possible replacements for recently departed Colmes that are even closer to the right, though still centrist enough to be perceived as representative of the left, at least when compared with Hannity himself.
Laura Ingraham, another surprisingly small yet efficient windbag, only placed fourth on the EPA's top emitters list, yet claimed the second largest one-time discharge with the statement, "Climate change policies are merely a part of a larger effort to subjugate the American people." This surprisingly forceful emission reportedly belched approximately 7,200 metric tons of hot air into the atmosphere in one large blast. Ingraham's already significant emissions are expected to increase dramatically upon arrival of the new Democratic administration this January.
Blowhard Bill O'Reilly came in at number five for his efforts, including the deliberate spreading of misinformation with such billowing gaseous releases such as, "When Katrina hit, none of the oil rigs spilled in Louisiana," a statement standing in contradiction to the thousands of gallons of oil actually spilled by Katrina. Many defend his statement, saying the affected oil rigs in question are actually located offshore, not within Louisiana itself, saying this proves O'Reilly's statement is true. Nevertheless, critics remain unconvinced. Also, while he admits global warming may be happening, he says he "doesn't know why, Al Gore doesn't know why, only the deity knows why," further discrediting 50 years of work by respected environmental scientists beginning with Dr. Charles Keeling.
The EPA emphasized that these figures do not tell the whole story. Dr. A. E. Bellows, a reputed climatologist who helped collect and interpret the data, notes the detrimental consequences of what he calls the "Cascade Effect." According to Bellows, "When windbags release noxious emissions like these, people tuning in to the polluted airwaves tend to absorb them. However, since these millions of lesser windbags absorb only a small fraction of the energy in each emission, then discharge rather large emissions of their own into public spaces, the effects tend to amplify, to snowball out of control, if you will. We've come to refer to this as the 'Cascade Effect.' And in light of the current global warming crisis, these extra releases are detrimental."
Upon making public the results of their study, the EPA issued an accompanying statement recommending "an immediate reduction in these harmful emanations, especially from the Big Five, and a total phase out by 2018." However, groups like the Conservative Republicans for Asinine Politics (CRAP) insist that "the figures represent nothing more than another leftist conspiracy to garner more American tax dollars for fraudulent pet projects" and stated that the alleged windbags are "well within their Constitutional rights," citing the First Amendment and pledging their continued support for the Big Five.
The EPA has yet to evaluate the extent of damage done by these latest CRAP emissions in response to the study.