Rockall Happy Slappers Gang Convicted - Sea bird beatings draw heavy sentences.

Written by Rusty

Sunday, 14 December 2008

image for Rockall Happy Slappers Gang Convicted - Sea bird beatings draw heavy sentences.
Pilloried: publicly buggered and thirty lashes

Cheers erupted from the public gallery of Rockall's weekly assize court yesterday as the Margrave of Rockall passed sentence on a gang of teenage asbos for their cowardly happy slapping attacks on the Promenades' pet sealion, cormorant and puffin populations.

The gang of chavs and chavettes were weekend trippers from the neighbouring Darwin Mounds Scranger Industrial Estate, visiting Rockall to take advantage of the island's relaxed drinking laws where anyone over the age of ten can consume alcohol, or aged six if accompanied by an adult.

Following a sea front boozing session the inebriated teenagers ran amok on the Promenade, happy slapping and kicking several defenceless sea lions, cormorants and puffins, and seriously traumatising a roosting guillemot.

The entire violent episode was recorded by the island's clockwork CCTV cameras outside the Promenade's McDonalds Chew and Spew restaurant, with gang members taking photos and videos of the attacks with their bluetooth cellphones and transmitting the brutal events to the mainland UK's happy slapping headquarters in Smegmadale.

Ms. Yvonne Gorgon, a stylist at the Medusa Hair Salon, witnessed the attacks and gave evidence against the gang in court. The Rockall Times assizes reporter heard Ms. Gorgon tell the court the attacks were initially started by a drunken and stoned Shantelle McSlagrat, leader of the chavettes girl gang faction, easily recognizable by her Croydon facelift hairstyle and the bling manhole covers hanging from her ears. Ms. McSlagrat had apparently spewed all over Sammy the Sealion then stubbed out the remains of her bifta on his head.

Summing up the case, the Rt. Hon. Desmond Scrogknot, Margrave of Rockall, castigated the violent attacks as despicable and sentenced each gang member to be pilloried and publicly buggered by anyone with the inclination, then given thirty lashes with a smoked conger eel, followed by fourteen days confinement in the island's maximum security guano pit.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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