Princess Diana's ghost is roaming the English countryside in need of cheap alcohol and the company of rowdy, drunken teenagers says the head of Scotland Yard.
Detective Sheerluck Holmes, who has been leading the investigation into the reappearance of the stupid, dead royal, said that the former "Peoples Princess" is setting a bad example for the nations youth.
"Lets be honest here: nobody wants to see the daft dead bimbo lurking around in a drunken stupor vomiting into the pockets of a 16 year old, croaky-voiced teenage boy", stated Det. Holmes, "she's dead and buried and that should have been it. She had her 15 minutes of fame and I think it;s time to sent her packing back to hell".
Local people in the remote English village that the Ghost of Diana has been spotted in, have turned extra religious to drive away the evil spirit.
"She appears after the clubs in the city close", said a resident, "you can hear her drunkenly singing that bloody Elton John song until she passes out beneath the old oak tree. She looks more like Barry Manilow nowadays than ever before but she can't sing for shit".
Mohammad Fayed - the baldy, rich bastard father of Diana's former 'lover' Dopey Fayed - has said that the appearances of the "English Nose" are signs from God:
"The beloved princess has returned from Hell to destroy the remainder of the vile Royal family", jabbered Fayed from his backside, "only then may I stand a chance of getting my hands on the throne....on behalf of my beloved son Dopey - not for my own personal gain, of course".
