Unfettered fury erupted in the High court earlier today when Romanian beggar Aberama Stanka, 39, was awarded sole begging rights to some of Central London's most famous and popular tourist attractions under ancient vagrancy laws revealed this week in London's highest court.
"Rites and claim distance no greater than fore miles from Pox lane shithouse."
'Pox Lane shithouse' was located at the corner of Regents Park where Britain's biggest and boldest benefits cheats have lived since Buckingham palace was first built in 1702.
Mr Stanka uncovered the medieval claim whilst researching English vagrancy laws
Mr Stanka's solicitor, Stanisavinalav Inalav read a brief statement on behalf of London's first 'King of streetes and walkways'. in almost 350 years.
"Begging booths and London Underground pitches start at one hundred thousand per year. ATM spots are double. The closing date for bids is one week from today. Thank you."
The City of Westminster is preparing for a massive influx of professional rogues, thieves and vagabonds from all over the world.
London's Chief Inspector Nicholas Nick has grave concerns that the worlds oldest police force will not be able to deal efficiently with one of the worlds oldest professions.
"Our officers can say 'Move along there' in 28 languages. What bloody use is that? We need stun guns and pepper spray, cattle prods! Cattle prods should be standard issue in this day and age. Or "light sabres!" No one would mess with a copper with a light sabre would they eh? They'd be mad!
"And those Chinese throwing star things, I love them, we should get some of those. And big leather boots and trousers, and sunglasses, even when it's a bit overcast.
"We could put flame throwers in our hats!"
