Brains, Balls and Intelligence
Kings Bollocks College, London, England - A recent research study has found a link between intelligence and sperm quality in men. Analysing data from American soldiers who took IQ tests and gave sperm sample in 1985, biologists in London have...
Read full storyCowboys to Unveil World's Largest LCD Monitor
Dallas Cowboys GM, President, and Owner Jerry Jones announced today that he will unveil the world's largest LCD monitor on Saturday, January 3, 2009, in the soon-to-be- retired Texas Stadium. Spanning 130 yards long and 30 yards high, this dual-sided...
Read full storyTen Things You Didn't Know About The QE2
The RMS Queen Elizabeth 2, or QE2, has completed Her final voyage from Southampton to Dubai to become a floating hotel, but, in many ways, She is shrouded in mystery, a veritable undercover camel traipsing through the silent deserts of 'secrecy' on an errand to who-knows-where. To commemorate Her final journey, and to celebrate what is arguably the most distinguished and well-loved battleship i...
Read full storyWoolworths Shares Soar As Clearance Sale Announced
Shares in Britain's oldest retail department store, Woolworths, soared today as it was announced that the company would hold a massive 90% off sale starting Thursday in all its 815 outlets nationwide. Woolies, as it is known by your mum, went into...
Read full storyX Factor Diana Vickers Shits Her Knickers Story just reached 100 Views!
There was amazing news from Monkey Woods' writers desk at TheSpoof.com this morning, when it was revealed that a story by the amateur scribbler and social commentator had, in only three days, racked up more than 100 views worldwide! The story, Dia...
Read full storyEuthanasia man wanted to live
A man was killed by his family because they believed he wanted euthanasia to end his suffering. Mr Dan Kilmeov was taken by his family to a clinic Switzerland where doctors administered life-ending medicine, more commonly known as poison. It is...
Read full storyBlagojevich Denies Naming Self to Senate Seat
Embattled Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich denied allegations that he was going to name himself to the senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama. "I have never considered myself for the position of Senator." Governor Blagojevich told m...
Read full storyMiracle Crap-Mangler turns Zoo Poo to Compost
A Smegmashire zoo has invested in manufacturing a recycling breakthrough £150,000 methane-fired Hotrot shit-flinging machine to turn the mountain of manure produced by its animals on a daily basis into an exotic blend of veggie patch friendly compost...
Read full storyDaphne From The Eggheads Is The Strongest Player - and God!
"Daphne Fowler from the Eggheads is not only the strongest player, she is the physically the strongest member on the Eggheads team and actually an Alien God", says a tearful and spineless, Jeremy Vine. "I have to make sure she checks all the answe...
Read full storyMan who forgot to set the video recorder misses favorite TV show
A devastated man missed his favorite television programme after he set his video recorder wrong. Jeff Dahmer from Wisconsin thought he had set the timer correctly for 'Big Gay Herman's House of Fun' - a family drama starring some of the still-aliv...
Read full storyGerman Chancellor Angela Merkel to have neck surgery
The leader of Germany is to undergo am operation to enlarge her neck. Mrs Merkle has long been seen as a bit of a hunchback amongst world leaders due to her sloped shoulders and chin resting on her tits. A spokesman for the Chancellor said that Mr...
Read full storyBritney Back With "Circus", The Story Of Her Life
Britney Spears is back at No. 1, with her "Circus", that has been her life. For the first time in more than five years, Britney topped the Billboard 200. Her new album Circus sold more than half a million copies for the week ended Sunday. "Brit...
Read full story"It's Official" claims Secretary of State for Justice Jack Straw
According to Jack Straw, the UK's Secretary of State for Justice, 'It's Official'. In a statement issued by the Department of Justice, the Secretary of State has confirmed that it is indeed now official. However, with the country in recession a...
Read full story'Weeping Madonna' UFO mothership appears over Blagojevich gubernatorial mansion
Chicago, Illinois - (Jesus Wept! Mess): Streaming tears of blood a 'weeping madonna'-emblazoned UFO mothership appeared over Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's executive mansion late last night. The alien craft was seen briefly above the 410 East...
Read full storyChelsea FC Make Astonishing Goodwill Gesture
Chelsea FC last night took positive steps to help cash-strapped supporters with a phenomenal gesture of goodwill in the run up to what looks like being a harsh festive period for many. At last night's CL clash with CFR Cluj the club gave every sup...
Read full storyMichael Jackson to auction glitter glove, jacket, Tito
After years of rumors regarding the king of pop's worsening financial situation, Michael Jackson has reportedly agreed to auction some of his most prized possessions. Among them: a famed glove decorated with shiny sequins, a jacked worn during the fi...
Read full storyObama uses Fawlty Towers' Manuel plea "I know nothing!"
Washington AC/DC - (Sordid Ass Mess): Barack Obama used Fawlty Towers waiter Manuel's iconic "I know nothing! plea yesterday when questioned about 'buying' his Senate seat from a succession of corrupt Illinois State Governors. He also claimed igno...
Read full storyAlaska state corruption relegated to also-ran amid 'Governor Blagojevich tried to sell Obama's ass!' reports
Chicago, Illinois - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): The FBI has downgraded the notorious Alaskan Corrupt Bastards Club to also-ran status after fabled US state prosecutor Patrick FitzGerald nailed Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich yesterday on multiple ch...
Read full storyPeanut Butter Blamed For Blocked Drains
Peanut butter, the latest big thing in a recession hit economy has come under fire from none other than Tory Party leader David 'Do Nothing Dave' Cameron and was the reason for heated exchanges at PM Question Time. PM Gordon Brown came out in supp...
Read full storySerial Bread Squeezer Gets Life Ban
In a landmark test case ruling, Worcester magistrates imposed a lifetime Supermarket ban on Worcester woman Carol Ann Jones because she insisted on squeezing every loaf of bread on display in order to 'test it for freshness.' Supermarket giants co...
Read full storyChesterfield Fans Applaud Team's Fairness
Chesterfield fans applauded their team's fantastic sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct last night, after they allowed one of their opponents to walk up the pitch, and blast the ball into an empty net. The Spireites, of League Two, were playing D...
Read full storyNASA Sends First Probe To Oz
Houston TX-- NASA reported the successful launch of its first probe to the Land of Oz yesterday. The probe is called TOTO (Total Oz Telemetry Orbiter), and it was launched into a tornado from a base in Kansas. TOTO is sending back striking pictures...
Read full storyBurress changes story: 'It was a glockenspiel not a Glock.'
New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is changing his story. Burress, who allegedly shot himself in the leg at a Manhattan night club on November 29, is now claiming that he was not carrying a Glock, a small handgun, but a glockenspiel. Wh...
Read full storyPeter Mandelson Launches Christmas Treats
Peter Mandelson, or, to give him his full title, Lord Mandelson of Hartlepool, has this morning unveiled details of his very own festive culinary delights, Mandelson's Mincer PiesTM. The pies are the result of a recent collaberation with TV chef a...
Read full storyCompany develops mobile phone arm-graft to enable users 24 hour access to their mobiles
Moron-text, the mobile telephone provider, has undertaken the first successful mobile phone grafting operation on a 17-year old woman. Developed especially for women in the 15 to 30 age bracket, this new medical procedure aims to eliminate those t...
Read full storyThe Mirror offers free melanin to every reader
Continuing its efforts to expand social responsibility, the Mirror is giving away a year's supply of the drug melanin to every reader. Familiar to those who drink Chinese milk or eat Irish pork, melanin is important for the skin in protecting peop...
Read full storyObama owns up
Chicago- After months of speculation by various conspiracy theory sites and members of Youtube, Barack Obama acknowledged in an interview today that he is in fact the Antichrist spoken of in the Christian bible's Book of Revelation. Said the Presi...
Read full storySanta shops at Aldi
A recent press release from the British discount supermarket chain, Aldi, has revealed that Father Christmas shops for all his Christmas goodies at their Redditch store. "We were quite surprised to see him," said Ahem Malud, manager of the store.
Read full storySteve Coogan To Take Up Comedy After Latest Tour Shambles
Steve Coogan, the Manchester entertainer responsible for creations such as chat show host Alan Partridge and Paul & Pauline Calf, has announced that he is to try his hand at comedy. The performer came up with this stunning revelation after abs...
Read full storyAspartame Killing Worms Eating Corpses
ANGOLA - Excessive diet soda use here has filled graveyards with corpses - corpses toxic to worms. The FFA, Future Farmers of Africa, are afraid that there will be no worms left, since worms are being killed by the toxin after attempting to eat the...
Read full storyAspartame Content Indicated by Secret Barcode
ROME - At a club meeting here, I have infiltrated the members and reported a stunning finding. Store products can be identified as being safely-free of aspartame only by decoding the bar code in an as yet unpublished manner. My confidential source...
Read full storyFDA Approves Aspartame for the Dead
KENT STATE - Here at the home of the Kent State Massacre, FDA officials have sojourned to announce that Aspartame has been approved for the dead. The stylish Dr. Strangedeath, dressed in top hat and tails, took the stage at a Roiling Stones Concer...
Read full storySocrates Rearrested and Hemlocked Again for Corrupting the Morals of Athenian Young Rioters
The young of Athens are at it again as they raise their voices in protest against the oppressive policies of their elders. When an innocent young Greek was killed by the police of this archipelago's right wing government, the youth of Athens have ris...
Read full storyFighting Acronyms
A group of linguistic purists have banded together to do battle against excessive abbreviation. Their main target: Acronyms. Wesley Weiner, a professor at the California University of Nuclear Technology, decided it was time to do something after p...
Read full storyIllini Gov Blagojevich Charged with Importing and Wearing Endangered Monkey Wigs
Among the charges brought against Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, the FBI accused him of illegal importation of endangered monkey hair wigs. The Governor unfortunately has been photographed wearing just such big furry hairpieces theroughout his tw...
Read full storyBlagojevich Sells House Too
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, under fire for trying to sell Barack Obama's US Senate seat, is catching more trouble over his efforts to sell his house. Recent allegations indicate Blagojevich was engaged in a wide variety of corrupt behaviors...
Read full storyBush Tells Zimbabwe's Mugabe: It's Time to Go; I Oughta Know
George W Bush stood tall upon is 77% disapproval rating and told Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe that it was time to go. Like two old drunks who stayed way past their welcome at a wedding, Bush seemed to place his proverbial arm around the shoulder...
Read full storyAlabama Sen. Shelby Starves Auto makers along with Women, Children and the Poor
Alabama Senator Shelby is famous for his austere approach to goverment funding. So it was no surprise that the big three automakers didn't gain ayard against Republican Shelby's defense of the federal dollar. Shelby explained his frugal refusal t...
Read full storyMissing taxi driver finally found...in Bulgaria
A New York cab driver, from the borough of Queens, who was reported missing for 10 days, has been located in Sofia, the capital of Bulgaria. The taxi driver was in good health and appears to have not suffered any duress apart from a little tiredn...
Read full storyBig Phil Scolari Going Slowly Mental Claim Insiders
Chelsea manager Luiz Felipe 'Big Phil' Scolari is hovering on the brink of a severe mental meltdown according to friends and club insiders. The pressure on Big Phil - who once chased a player around a training ground threatening to cave his effin...
Read full storyIt's A Wossfest - Jonathon's Return To TV Screens Cocks A Snook At Auntie Beeb
Following his £2million suspension over inappropriate remarks made to a hotel waiter from Barcelona on his answering machine regarding the sexual indiscretions of his slutty granddaughter, Jonathon Ross today announced the line up for his comeback TV...
Read full storyVictoria Beckhams "Smileox" Lift
Icequeen and legendary misery, Vicky Becks has undergone radical surgery since deciding a smile would flog more frocks. The radical procedure which has put Vikky in the Sac-harin insecurity wing of the Disney rehab. facility for 5 weeks has result...
Read full storyUS produces new superhero, micro-man
Residents of small town America today witnessed an extraordinarily amazing feat. A superhero of giant proportions attempted an epic feat, to rescue the world from all of it's problems. Eyewitnesses say that as the world struggled with vice, degra...
Read full storyDaft Bastard Flies To Greece To Coordinate Riots
Daft bastard, the Right Reverend Theodore Puddlejumper flew out to Greece today with the intention of coordinating the riots there. The Eastern Mediterranean nation once the proud owner of the Elgin marbles, Empire cinema founder, and olympic host...
Read full storyRussell Brand Concert Tickets May Have To Be Sprayed!
Sleazy Sex-Loser Brand, is so sullied from his lurid sex life, his concert tickets may have to be sprayed with some form of liquid penicillin, say concerned malcontents. While scientists have dispelled the myth, 'looking Russell Brand directly in...
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