Cowboys to Unveil World's Largest LCD Monitor

Funny story written by Chris Winn

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Dallas Cowboys GM, President, and Owner Jerry Jones announced today that he will unveil the world's largest LCD monitor on Saturday, January 3, 2009, in the soon-to-be- retired Texas Stadium. Spanning 130 yards long and 30 yards high, this dual-sided monitor will allow viewers on both sides of the stadium to join in the fun.

"I'm thrilled to take Texas Stadium into its next lifetime." Jones said, "We'll have the largest movie theatre and game screen ever, here, in Dallas."

Jones has planned the premiere of the new monitor to be Michael Vick's final prison yard game. Vick, the highly acclaimed rushing quarterback, has been playing QB on both sides of the ball. His jail yard stats are the best in history.

Michael Vick began an 18-month sentence in November 2007, after pleading guilty to felony animal abuse charges. Vick's sentence has been carried out at the United States Penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kansas.

The decision to use this controversial event to debut such an astounding piece of technological architecture has earned Jones the nickname Jerry "Jailbait" Jones. Should Mr. Jones manage to acquire Michael Vick, it will be the third player in the last three years whom the Cowboys have recruited directly from suspension, the second from jail.

Defensive Tackle Tank Johnson, formerly of the Chicago Bears, was picked up in 2007 after serving an eight game suspension. Adam Jones, formerly of the Tennessee Titans, was picked up during the 2008 pre-season after serving a year-long ban from the NFL after numerous run ins with the law.

Mr. Jones' response to the nickname struck a bitter internal note, he said, "Adam and Tank were both quality players on the free market. Am I not trying to win football games here?"

So far Mr. Jones' decision to pursue players that have served long-term suspensions has had mixed results. Adam Jones played only six games this season before earning another suspension for drunkingly punching his bodyguard in the face.

Division rival New York Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin commented on Jones' jail bate recruitment tactics, "Jerry's picked up two guys [from suspension] in the last two years, and one of them is back in trouble," Coughlin said. "I don't settle for .500, but maybe that's what the Cowboys are fine with."

Adversely, one of Jerry Jones' confidants, President George W. Bush, a former fellow Texas sports team owner, has come out in defense of his friend. "I know sports. I owned the Rangers. Succeeding half the time is damn good, I don't care how you look at it. It just is." President Bush continued, "I wish I could succeed half the time."

The addition of this new screen in the old stadium will serve as extra seating, to couple the 2009 opening of the $1.2billion 80,000 seat Dallas Cowboys Stadium's. Dallas Cowboys VP of Facilities Joanne Musings said, "We'll be feeding crowd noise into the stands of the old stadium from the new." She continued, "Since our new stadium is primarily deluxe suites, many of our "blue collar" fans will no longer be able to afford tickets. We hope to create a "coach" option for the diehard fans. They'll still be supporting the Cowboys in spirit by screaming at the world's largest screen."

Previously, the largest screen constructed was used in the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games Opening Ceremonies. That LED screen was 147 meters long and 22 meters wide. Chinese officials refused to comment as their government failed to recognize or allow publication of the announcement that they were surpassed.

When asked directly whether his decision to host Michael Vick's final jail yard football game was a publicity stunt to acquire Vick, Jones became curt. "I think it will be a great football game-like a reality-based Longest Yard. Down here in Texas we have a fine prison football league given the high population," said Jones. "It just happens to land exactly when we'll be ready to debut the screen. But if Vick appreciates the gesture, I would be more than willing to discuss his future here in Dallas."

The Dallas Cowboys are the most successful team in National Football League history. Located in the Dallas, TX suburb of Irving, the Cowboys will be relocating into their third stadium, in Arlington, TX for the 2009 season.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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