Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

image for Woolworths Shares Soar As Clearance Sale Announced
Red markers - 70% off!

Shares in Britain's oldest retail department store, Woolworths, soared today as it was announced that the company would hold a massive 90% off sale starting Thursday in all its 815 outlets nationwide.

Woolies, as it is known by your mum, went into administration on 26 November with £385m of debt. Its shares fell to an all-time low of 3 lira, and Receivers were called in to receive goods that had been stolen.

Today though, as shoppers began to unroll sleeping bags outside the famous red facades, confusion reigned at the London Stock Exchange as shares in the company rose to 28 Dolly Mixtures, an all-time high!

The situation is so confusing, because finance is involved. Finance is very confusing; so confusing, that only the BBC's Robert Peston understands it, and he is very cagey when asked about the subject.

Peston said:

"It's tricky. Woolies sell many things you can easily get elsewhere. Sweets are sold in newsagents, kitchen cutlery, buckets and mops, tea towels and so on, can be bought in Wilko, spades at B&Q, books at WH Smiths and kids clothes in Poundland. See?

"Woolworth has been the victim of a very confusing financial meltdown thingy."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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