England win cricket match, fans check calendar
Michael Vaughan, the England cricket captain, was quoted as being delighted to have beaten the Pacific Island of Tuvalu in a thrilling match in the Super 8 (soon to be replaced by mini DVD camcorders) at the cricket world cup. But immediately many...Read full story
McCartney moves to Starbucks
Sir Paul McCartney is taking the possibility that he might get taken to the cleaners by his estranged wife Lady Heather very seriously, it has emerged. In a statement by his publicist, McCartney is quoted as having taken a Saturday job in the Chich...Read full story
EPA Denies Increase of Lead in Nation's Water Supply
The EPA denied claims this morning that it had found a positive link between increased lead levels in the nations' water supply and the many acute cases of memory lapse being reported across the country.Read full story
Virgie Arthur prime suspect in grandson's murder
Bahamas - (Disastrous Press): Virgie Arthur, the estranged mother of the late Anna Nicole Smith, is believed to be the prime suspect in the murder probe of her 20 year old grandson Daniel Smith.Read full story
New website to hilight bad web pages
Following on the success of websites like Del.icio.us, Digg, Reddit, and Stumbleupon; a Seattle-based company has purchased the UtterCrap portal and turned it into a webpage submission engine.Read full story
Eagle Eyed Security Guard Mohammed Jones was in attendence yesterday at the Jones Academy of the Vigilant Graduation Commencement.Read full story
Borat to negotiate release of British sailors
LONDON--Prime Minister Tony Blair said Friday that he has asked Kazakhstan's sixth most famous man to help negotiate the release of 15 British detainees in Iran.Read full story
Hoodies rocked by New Labour 'cutbacks'
Controversy was the word of the day as a labour majority pushed through tough new measures to stamp down on the blight of ASBO youths in hoodies.Read full story
New Parents Spend First Three Years of Child's Life Teaching Him to Talk, Walk - Will Spend Next Fifteen Trying to Get Him to Sit Down, Shut Up
Taos, New Mexico - New parents, Alisha and Shane Boyle, announced to their families today that their one-year-old son Alex took his first steps. "Three months ago he said his first word, 'mama'." said Alisha, "Now he's walking. I just can't wait...Read full story
Doctor Admits He Suffers From Attention Deficit . . . Um . . . Uh . . . I Like Pie
Frampton, Maine - A popular Doctor here admitted today that he Suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and that he likes pie, and "what the hell is behind that tree over there?"...Read full story
Obese boy eats grandparents
SPAIN--A 10-YEAR-OLD Spanish boy weighing 100 kg (220 lb) has admitted to eating his grandparents after he was told that there was no food left in the house.Read full story
Love-tug astronut Lisa Nowak set for space marathon
International Sapce Station - (Ass Press): Disgraced love-tug astronut Captain Lisa Nowak is set to redeem her tacky image and run this year's Boston Marathon on board the International Space Station.Read full story
Local Man Did Not Get the "Everyone's Going to Pull Out in Front of You in Their Big, Stupid SUVs" Memo
American Fork, Utah - A local resident claims he must not have gotten the memo that stated everyone would pull out in front him in their big, stupid SUVs.Read full story
Congress Considers New Bill to Curb Masturbation
The Bush administration's new Head of Reproductive Rights has been a vociferous critic of birth control and a staunch spokesman for abstinence. Now he is pressuring the administration to introduce a bill designed to curb masturbation.Read full story
Pope John Paul II cured French nun's Parkinson, Letterman and Leno addiction.
Paris-France; In scenes reminiscent of a Mother Teresa press conference, French nun Sister Marie Simon-Jolie faced the worlds media today and told proudly of how the former Pontiff Pope John Paul II had cured her of her terrible addiction to the Brit...Read full story
Dump for President?
According to "Inside Sources" Real Estate Tycoon and Y.U.P.I. Deity Donald Dump is considering a run for the White House in '08.Read full story
NBC Announce Friends Season 11 Comeback, Fall
In response to dwindling viewer levels, NBC is set to bring back the hit TV series Friends in its Fall lineup. NBC originally cut the show because of the unsustainable fees it was having the pay the original cast. 'Joey', fronted by sexy 'funn...Read full story
The Chicken Kid who wowed em on AMERI-CON-IDLE last year is cluckin in on that Sanjava Indian guy...Read full story
1400lbs Man Undergoes Drain Clearance
A man who used to weigh more than 1400lbs (100 stones) has won an award for 'slimming', after losing around 65% of his body weight in just three months. More amazing still, is that, this 3-month 'weightcrash' included...Read full story
Chocolate Jesus Offends Lactose Intolerant Catholics
A life-size milk chocolate Jesus on the cross is about to go on display in a New York Gallery offending...well, the people who are usually offended by this sort of thing.Read full story
Republicans woo Judge Larry Seidlin for White House
Washington - (Ass Press): The Republican Party is wooing a new contender for the 2008 presidential campaign after exhaustive market research proved positive in identifying Judge Larry Seidlin as the outsider most likely to get the compassion vote fro...Read full story
K-Fed gets $1 million and all Britney's soiled panties
California - (Ass Mess): A pre-nup agreeement between Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline has seen him accept the original terms under which he was hired in September 2004:...Read full story
Michael Jackson Is Dead
There was almost universal grief and despair this morning when it was announced by a family spokesman that Michael Jackson is dead.Read full story
My Sweet Lord rumpus
Manhattan, NY - (Ass Mess): "Maybe they shoulda used carob!Helluva lot cheaper. No lacto-allergens, calorie-friendly, rich in organic nutrients. And unlikely to deprave.Read full story
Wholesale murder at retail prices is just plain wrong.
AUSTIN TEXAS - Today the U.S. Office for Revaluation of Institutional Finance In Competitive Efficiency or ORIFICE, announced that although today's biggest rogue terrorist states have the power to kill, maim, and bring segments of populations int...Read full story
Tony Blair Sends Petulant Note To Iran Over Captured Spies
LONDON (Reuters) - Tony Blair sent a petulant personal note to Iran on Friday begging for the release of the 15 captured British spies seized in Iranian waters.Read full story
Robert Mugabe - The New Age Devil
From the inferno hot flames of Zimbabwe comes the latest in World Democracy: Robert Mugabe has been disguising himself as a sheep in Satan's clothing - but truth is that it was no disguise.Read full story
Boycott the 2008 Beijing Olympics!
The invested interests spend so much national wealth in preparing the Olympic Games to blandish the international, launch so much propaganda about the 2008 Olympics to gloss over official corruption and social inequality!...Read full story
Paris Hilton to work with blind retards
Society beauty and billionaire heiress, Paris Hilton announced today that she would be steppping down from the public eye in order to work with disadvantaged children.Read full story
Shaun Davy is a hitch-hiker, from the Ireland area and decided to travel to Wales in the united kingdom.Read full story
Love Scandal in St Not-OK Corral!
St Salvatorius Pointus, the Southwest Catholic school that made national news with its decision to test hair samples of every student to monitor for drug use in the last year is once again in the news. This time the SP Lancers have a female English t...Read full story
The JLA MOVIE CANCELLED!
A few weeks ago I said that a JLA movie was coming out with a few hot actresses (not Paris Hilton!). It was cancelled by the worried mothers because the movie was rated G.Read full story
The release of Sony's Playstation 3 in New Zealand have made people go mad. The NZ store Harvey Nomansland was shipped a dodgy batch of Playstations they claimed to get out of a lawsuit posted by Boonger, I mean islander Noteven Ow.Read full story
Brown lifts the "300" out of poverty, only 999,970 poor lads and lassies left
Richman Brown wants to redouble his efforts to end children living in poverty while his proposed budget abandons hundreds of thousands of them in hunger and homelessness.Read full story
Bush Withdraws Swifty Sam Fox as Belgian End Dive!
Swifty Sam Fox was on his way to the embassy in Belgium in an all expenses paid ambassadorial appointment by Not-so Swift George Bush as pay back for his bankrolling of the vicious "Swift boat" attack ads that helped to sink the Kerry camp...Read full story
Forty Percent of TV Ads Hawk Junk Food!
In an America that has declared war on childhood obesity, media experts have found that two out of five ads on child-targeted programming sells junk foods.Read full story
Revealing Jail Shower Puts Problems in Rape Case
In a strange twists, jailers discovered that a man in custody for the last ten days for rape is actually a woman. The mix-up, among other things, was revealed when the accused was requested to take a shower. Things fell into place when other things...Read full story
Two American Idol Contestants Hook Up Together In Television Romance
Alaina Alexander, the latest American Idol contestant with nude internet photos, and Chris Richardson have a thing going on. Alaina was one of the top 24 finalists while Chris is in the top 9. She was sitting with his family and friends at Tuesday&...Read full story
Alaina Alexander Second American Idol Contestant with Hot, Naked Internet Pictures
American Idol top 24 finalist Alaina Alexander became the second contestant to have nude photos of her posted on the internet (after Antonella Barba). These, however, were posted on her own My Space website by herself and her agent. She claimed on...Read full story
Google Reveals it has Actually Been Microsoft all Along, Begins Charging for Everything
Users of the popular search engine Google, today, were surprised and alarmed to find their familiar search page altered, almost beyond recognition.Read full story
Britney Spears to have all her teeth extracted in private clinic.
First it was her marriage, closely followed by her underwear, next to go was her hair but now Britney Spears really does appear to have lost the plot.Read full story
Olsen Twins Mary-Kate and Ashley to Get Nose Jobs
The Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley, have decided to get matching nose jobs from a Hollywood plastic surgeon. Saying that they were tired of their old look and thought their noses were to big, the twins headed to surgery today.Read full story