Tiny troglodytes put a halt to $10bn Australian mine
Western Australia - (Assinine ress): Global mining giant Rio Tinto has unearthed a massive problem at its latest $10 billion Western Australian project site with the discovery of what its website has hailed as "extremely rare tiny, cave-dwelling...
Read full storyCondom testers required by Lurex
London - (Ass Mess): The London Rubber Company is recruiting market testers for its new glittery range of Lurex brand condoms and is advertising for a panel of 5,000 people "who are single, married, and in couples" to report their experienc...
Read full storyMiddleton makes press complaint
London - (Ass Press): Kate Middleton, the hired fag-hag paid to impersonate heterosexual bliss with the Pretender to the Throne's elder son William, has sent a complaint to the Press Complaints Commission bemoaning that she has been steadfastly i...
Read full storyEU President admits "UKIP are right"
The President of the EU Commission, Colonel von Klinkerhoffen, has admitted what members of UKIP have suspected for years, but that no-one else had taken seriously. Today, he made the shock announcement that the EU has for many years been a cover for...
Read full storyMr. Bubble Recall: Over Six Million Sold
(AP) New York, NY - Platex Infant Care Products made a shocking announcement early Friday morning. It had discovered that over 6 million bottles of the popular bubble-bath product Mr. Bubble contained deadly amounts of hydrochloric, sulfuric and or...
Read full storyTony Snow's wife announces 2008 White House presidential bid
Washington DC - (Rotters): Buoyed by the public's rapturous response to John Edwards' presidential campaigning despite his wife's ominous cancer relapse and staggered by the enthusiasm of his increased financial backing, Tony Snow's w...
Read full storyAnna Nicole Smith Buried On Freeport Beach
(AP) Freeport, Bahamas - Anna Nicole Smith was finally laid to rest today on a secluded beach in Freeport. Her remains will remain where she apparently wanted them to…stay.
Read full storyeBay To Auction Michael Jackson's Old Nose
(AP) San Jose, CA - In an unprecedented announcement, eBay will, "auction off the 1975 version of Michael Jackson's nose," president and CEO Meg Whitman told reporters at a Thursday morning press conference. The nose, which made its final appearance...
Read full storyBush to Negotiate
Following the abduction of the British Sailors by the Iranians--President Bush has offered to help negotiate their release with Iran's President Mahamuhd Ahmajinedad...
Read full storyAmerican Idol : Sanjaya Malakar Voting Fraud Exposed
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA--(BREAKING NEWS) Sanjaya Malakar, the latest American hopeful destine to be this seasons "American Idol" winner has been exposed as a fraud. Audiences had to endure total degradation o...
Read full storyChimps used to create spam
Los Angeles, California: If you've noticed email spam containing horrendous typos and other grammatical errors, it may be the work of Chimpanzees.
Read full storyEmboldened Terrorist Swims Atlantic to Attack America
A prophetic President Bush proved prescient when he said, "If we don't fight the terrorists in Iraq, the enemy will attack us here."...
Read full storyShould serial killers and rapists die at the hands of a vigilante?
There was man named Gill Bates. His son, Gill Jr. was adoptive late bloomer used to getting his way even at the expense of others' human rights. This fool was also addicted to sex and violent pronographhy and refused to obey multiple court orders to seek psychiatric help. To make matters worse, this sick bastard was so good at being a hardened that even his family, friends, and colleagues knew...
Read full storyIran says sailor will not be fed if Britain creates a 'fuss'
Iran dramatically raised the stakes today in its stand-off with the UK over the seizure of 15 Royal Navy personnel in the Gulf, saying that it had no intention of feeding a female sailor if Britain created a "fuss".
Read full storySouth Park writes Hellfire Club matriarch's grand finale
Hollywood - (Press Mess): Millions of Americans saw the seminal South Park episode last night predicting the suicide of Hellfire Club grande dame the Duchess of Edinburgh as the cash-for-peerages scam is busted and her mobster family bankrupted into...
Read full storyDon't be Cruel
Former Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi (a huge Elvis Fan) made an impromptu phone call yesterday to North Korean Beloved Leader Kim Jong Il.
Read full storyNot so "Swift"
SAM FOX who donated 50,000 Dollars to John O'Neill and his Swift Boat Veterans for Truth during the 2004 Presidential Campaign was about to collect his reward when -- oooops...
Read full storySpooky premonition? Black Tie. No Blacks
Washington DC - (Disaster Press): Prescient AC/DC sources had been predicting it weeks ago. And yesterday Senator Barack Obama proved them right, blackballing the annual broadcasters' wankfest that indulges the world's top warmongering psych...
Read full storyPrince Philip Speaks Out On Bullying
As the Government outlined new proposals to combat bullying in schools, one headmaster of a prestigious Grammar School in Scotland stood alone in defending, what he called, "the noble art".
Read full storySchool Bullies Are Good For Business Says Sir Alan Sugar
Do-gooders have been trying to increase awareness of bullying in schools, and while it appears that bullying has gone mad, there has been no change. What has changed is that society has recognised that some forms of...
Read full storySalvation is ere
Many pickney have trod tru the doors of disya foundation and look up to see the Breddahs and Sistren an say "Farder are we deyah? Inna Mount Ziiion?" ...the answer is of corse "YES my sweet jildren, Welcome to the Sons of JAh!!"...
Read full storyCar Giant linked to Bob's Death
Daewoo Ibraham the Pakistani arm of the car Giant Daewoo has been allegedly involved with the mysterious death of Bob Woolmer, recent findings in CCTV footage of Bobs room has uncovered shocking scenes.
Read full storySick House of Lords Humiliate Tessa Jowell
TED NEWKUM-NOW Offence Editor - Why-oh-why has the evil mad-eyed Horse of Lords forced shaken Tessa Jowell to hang her head in shame on a video nasty? For doing the heinous crime of trying to get a Las Vegas-style supercasino built in Bernard Manning...
Read full storyGordon Brown - Who Is He?
Gordon Brown may be Britain's next PM, but it's unlikely that he would be the People's Choice. Indeed, so anonymous is he, that many people still do not even know who he is.
Read full storyIt's Official: London Property Market Is a Bubble
Property speculators have been saying it for years but at last City financiers can reveal that the London property market is officially just a bubble waiting to burst.
Read full storyHarry Potter New Spin-off Book Covers
ENCHANTED, ENGLAND--(HOGWART TIMES) The three book covers for the new spin-off story Dirty Hairy Potbelly & the Deadly Belch were previewed for the press by Loonsbury publishers. Dirty Hairy Potbelly & the Deadly Bel...
Read full storyDavid Nugent No Gent In Nou Camp Netting Nuisance
There was more trouble for beleaguered manager Malcolm McClaren in Spain last night, even after his under-pressure England team had trounced Andorra 3-0 in the Nou Camp.
Read full storySpongebob Characters - Are they really crazy as heck?!
Who would have thought? Spongebob and his undersea friends even more looney than the classic WB looney tunes (Bugs Bunny and Friends). Well maybe just every viewer form the age of one to one hundred and beyond.
Read full storyInscription on Statue of Liberty to change
NY (SN) - President Bush announced today that the inscription on the Staue of Liberty will be changed in order to combat illegal immigration and terrorism. The inscription currently reads:...
Read full storyJ.K. Rowling to release eighth book in Harry Potter series
LONDON - British author J.K. Rowling today announced she is currently at work writing an eighth book for her wildly popular Harry Potter series.
Read full storyCause of Anna Nicole Smith's Prolonged Death Revealed.
The cause of Anna Nicole Smith's prolonged death has finally been revealed. Apparently the reason her death is still going is due to the fact that the public love drama.
Read full storyAllegra, Donatella Versace's Anorexic Daughter Becomes Top Model!
In an unexpected development Donatella Versace's Anorexic Daughter has received more modeling offers since her near death hospitalization."The more they starve the more we love them!" explained fashion photographer "Bones" Sna...
Read full storyDemoc-Rats Attack McCain Disability!
When Democratic National Committee members heard that Republican Presidential Hopeful John McCain had hired some of the most vicious political adsmen in the attackbiz, they got their own adhitmen.
Read full storyGazooks! Gazans Float in Waste!
The Gaza Strip's Sewerage system built by the Israelis whose religious culture emphasizes cleanliness to the extreme exploded this week to send torrents of excrement into the villages of Gaza.
Read full storyPope JPII Up For Sainthood: "It's Hard Out There For A Pope!"
Even in the Roman Catholic Church, it can be "hard out their for a Pope" to be a Saint. A parade of Papas with syphilis, sons and silicone implants have failed the test for canonization. Even widely venerated Papa John-Paul Segundo (They ch...
Read full storyPulling-Out Is Not A Republican Thing To Do!
The American people are mystified by the Republican refusal to cooperate with a US troop withdrawal from the Massacre in Iraq. The midterm elections demonstrated to most political observers that the people of the US want to rescue their boys and girl...
Read full storyBald Like Britney
In case you have been in a remote cave picking at a pimple on your butt for the last six months, then you missed out on the most important media alert since Al Franken announced his senatorial run: Britney Spears is bald (oh and tattooed)! It is the end of the pop princess, as we know her. Clearly, she is sticking it to "the man's" woman and saying, "Hair, I've had enough!&q...
Read full storyNew Star Wars Postage Stamps To Be Released
Announcement of a series of Star Wars stamps to commemorate the film's 30th anniversary sent collectors and sci-fi fans running to their local post offices. Most jumped for joy to see the tiny pictures of Luke, Chewey, and Han Solo.
Read full storyAdam Pacman Jones to Receive NFL Discipline
Adam "Pacman" Jones of the Tennessee Titans had received discipline from the NFL for his recent actions off of the football field. In "conduct detrimental to the game," Jones was arrested ten times in the past two years, includin...
Read full storyMia Hamm and Nomar Garciaparra Parents of Twin Girls
Mia Hamm, famous woman's soccer player, and husband Nomar Garciaparra, famous major league baseball player, are the parents of twin girls. The all-star first baseman left spring training for the Los Angeles Dodgers to be with his wife for the de...
Read full story