Iran hostage sends letter home
Tehran Hilton: Dear Ma and Pa, I'm here with some Navy pals enjoying traditional Iranian hospitality after the Sat-Nav went wonky in the Shitt El-Arab. Typical, hey!...
Read full storyYoung Expectant Mothers Looking for a Different Life for their Children, Chow Down on Red Meat
In the wake of scientific studies linking red meat consumption during pregnancy to low sperm count in male offspring, there has been a enormous spike in the red meat intake of unmarried, pregnant women, especially those in their teens.
Read full storyBetting on a loser: Tessa Jowl goes down the pan
Whitehall - (Rotters): It was always a dead cert and now Tessa Jowl's one way ticket to HMP Belmarsh has just come up trumps as the House of Lords threw out her gambling bill and consigned the feckless Mafia gangster's wife to the mercy of An...
Read full storyDisgruntled father found with holster in capitol
Washington, D.C.: Authorities detained a suspicious man Tuesday lurking around the White House and discovered a holster for a Mac-10 machine gun under his jacket.
Read full storyFDA Approves Treatment for March Madness
Asslete Pharmaceuticals announced today that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved Vitalecillin® (vitale baldinate) for the treatment of patients with March Madness Disorder...
Read full storyLocal Man Released From Chinese Finger Prison
MARYSTOWN, PA - A local man was released today after serving a one-year sentence in a Chinese finger prison. Reginald Grunger, 32 - a longtime petty theft criminal - was given the unusual sentence after his fifteenth conviction by County Judge Harold...
Read full storyIran TV shows female hostage begging for asylum
Tehran - (Ass Press): Iranian TV has shown smiling navy hostage Leading Seaman Faye Turney, 26, begging her captors to accept her as a bona fide asylum seeker who strayed into their territorial waters in a desperate bid to take advantage of their hum...
Read full storyBritish Navy surrenders, Lord Nelson spins
LONDON--Officials in London have confirmed that the corpse of Lord Horatio Nelson in a crypt at St. Paul's cathedral has spun in its grave. Its theorized that Admiral Nelson, the greatest seaman of a once great seafaring nation heard the news fro...
Read full storyMayor's ex-CIA spook transport guru Kiley's sobriety fears
London - (Assinine Press): The mastermind behind London Mayor Ken Livingstone's congestion charge, former CIA man Bob Kiley, has told a press conference he dreads sobriety and the inevitable day when he finally wakes up to face the monstrosity he...
Read full storyAnna Nicole's son 'also died of implant failure': coroner
Florida - (Ass Mess): Failure to implant enough of J Howard Marshall's legendary $$$$s into Daniel Smith's own bank accounts may have contributed to his early demise according to an inquest probe into Anna Nicole Smith's son's death.
Read full storyPope: Trust me, Hell is a real because that's where I'm heading
Vatican - (ReUterus): Pope Ratzinger has told his weekly audience that he is facing eternal damnation and will be joining the likes of his predecessor Pope JP2, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Ronald Reagan "and just about all the members of the Bu...
Read full storyBizarre pentagon spotted in Saturn's clouds
Solar system - (Rotters): The first overwheming proof that the Cosmos has registered its dismay at Earth's global crisis has appeared in a bizarre weather pattern photographed around the ringed planet Saturn, where the Hubble telescope has spotte...
Read full storySenate Approves Timetable to Withdraw Bush from White House
On March 27th, the Senate voted to impose a timetable on President Bush's remaining days in the White House.
Read full storyHow injured is Frank Lampard?
It was reported that Frank Lampard would play in the England qualifier despite his sore hand.
Read full storyWHO(?) agrees HIV circumcision plan
The World Health Organization and UNAIDS said circumcision should be added to current interventions to reduce the spread of HIV. However, the recommendations only apply to countries where rates of heterosexual transmission is high. Countries breeding...
Read full storyKangaroo Courtmartial
Gulag Guantánamo Bay - Today Australian David Hicks was forced to plead guilty to a charge, to be filled in later by American Military tribunal. General Ivan Stalinson said: "Them Aussies may have kangaroos, but we got the kangaroo courts and t...
Read full storyMcCain Initiates Pander Patrol
ATLANTA, GEORGIA - John McCain's campaign announced this morning that the presidential hopeful will park the Straight Talk Express bus and begin a special month-long campaign blitz to be called The Pander Patrol.
Read full storyIran Votes on Timetable to Release British Sailors
Mainstream conservative and Pragmatist factions in Iran have passed a joint bill today, requiring a timetable for the release of British sailors, in direct defiance of President Ahmadinejad.
Read full storyFrank Lampard Can't Kick a Ball Due to Sore Hand, "How Convenient" Says Gerrard.
Frank Lampard, who hasn't scored a goal for England since 2005, is out of the England squad... due to a sore hand.
Read full storyWindows Vista - May Explode, Cause of Most Evil on Earth
Ipods 'safely' ejected by Windows Vista may in fact be damaged by the program - take that Mac!...
Read full storyWindows Vista - Doesn't Tolerate Minority Groups.
Almost everyone has heard about problems with Windows Vista not allowing programs to run and rendering some peripherals completely useless. However, the new built-in security has a far more sinister side.
Read full storyChinese Table Tennis Latest
There was real excitement last night at the 2007 Chinese National Table Tennis Championships in Beijing, in front of a sell-out crowd.
Read full storyBritain/Iran Nitpicking Row Escalates To Serious Level
The 15 Royal Navy personnel captured by Iranian pirates last week look like being inducted into the crew of the ship that they are being held hostage on.
Read full storyPrince William and the Curvy Cutie
SEXY dancer Amy Priory told of the moment her friends told her that even though he was in a different room she might have been groped by the right and proper and not gay in any way unelected heir to the British throne, Prince William...
Read full storyChelsea Keeper Should Have Been Partying Six Book Pipe-Smoking Disgrace
Chelsea keeper Petr Cech was caught holding a book club meeting with six books in a hotel after losing to Germany in the Euro qualifiers. Cech, and four other players from the Czech national squad are guilty of smuggling
Read full storyThe Unofficial (but VERY informative) Guide to Using Commercial Airliners in India
*crackle* *hiss* *beep* "Good afternoon. This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight A-616.
Read full story411 Remembered In European Town
POTSDORF, BAVARIA-(EUROGHETTO TIEMPO) Deep in the mountains of Bavaria in the tiny town of Potsdorf, with a population 20,000, preparations for next months 411 Memorial Festival are underway.
Read full storyRepublicans will not cap troop deaths.
Washington DC - It appears that even though most Republicans in the United States Senate have tried to keep the troops dying in Iraq; there now is a risk that a timetable for withdrawal would limit the number of lower class soldiers dying in Iraq. B...
Read full storyBurger King Will Slaughter With Greater Humanity!
The Burger King of Humane Slaughter is the title sought after by multi-billion dollar international fast food giant Burger King!"No more choking or bashing of animals over the heads with clubs! When we murder, we will murder humanely! Anesthesia...
Read full storyMissing Gospel from New Testament Found
Archaeologists digging through the recently discovered Tomb of Jesus have uncovered the missing "Gospel According to Fred". The missing Gospel will be included in some versions of the New`Testament joining with the Gospels of John, Luke, M...
Read full storyInternational Sports Writers Guild Rejects British United League of Literature (BULL)
Sports writers and sports readers the world over have often been interested in British sports if only for the mystery of awfully unmanly men so deeply involved in athletics. The problem arises when these reader-writers try to decipher the sport artic...
Read full storyDonatella Versace's 20-Year-Old Daughter, Allegra, Is Battling Anorexia, Fashion Designer Says
NEW YORK (Emaciated Press) -- Donatella Versace's 20-year-old daughter, Allegra, is undergoing treatment for anorexia, the fashion designer said Tuesday.
Read full storyMini-Star Minivan Mini-Mejicanos!
Singer-actress (my ass!) Jessica Simpson, smiles(grimacing) as she arrives at (is dragged to) the Elim orphanage in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, just across the border from Laredo, Texas, Sunday March 25, 2007. Simpson arrived in a white 2007 Chrysler mini...
Read full storyStallWall.Scrawl: The March edition
Bathroom wall graffiti blown in sent from every corner of the globe during the blustery month of March:...
Read full storyNew Suspects In Woolmer Case
Jamaican Deputy Police Commissioner, Mark Shields, is understood to be viewing new videotape evidence that he hopes will establish the identity of the suspects in the Bob Woolmer case.
Read full storyEdwards Campaign to Involve Dying Wife
Senator John Edwards announced that his wife is dying of incurable bone cancer that was thought to be in remission. In an interview televised on Sixty Minutes, he told Katie Couric that he will stay on the campaign trail and not drop out of the race...
Read full storyAccidental Drug Overdose Killed Anna Nicole
Coroners have determined that the cause of death in the Anna Nicole Smith case was an accidental overdose of drugs. It appears, according to a statement released today, that Ms. Smith accidentally took the following in an attempt to treat an alleged...
Read full storyHarry Potter Stars Signed Thru Seventh Movie
Warner Brothers announced today that the stars of the Harry Potter movies have been signed to star thru the completion of the seventh film. The actors who play Harry, Hermione, and Ron are now contractually obligated to appear in the next three film...
Read full storyJagger livid at UK reports naming girlfriend L'Wren as transexual Al Gore shagger
Ronnie Snots Club, Soho - (Ass Mess): A humunguous fistfuck broke out at the Ronnie Snots jazz club last night after a couple of Brazilian sax players overdid the tequila slammers and crystal meth combo, accusing Mick Jagger's girlfriend L'Wr...
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