FDA Approves Treatment for March Madness

Funny story written by Melange

Wednesday, 28 March 2007

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Asslete Pharmaceuticals announced today that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved Vitalecillin® (vitale baldinate) for the treatment of patients with March Madness Disorder

The FDA approval was based primarily on results of a pivotal clinical trial, where patients taking Vitalecillin® showed statistically significant disinterest in NCAA Basketball Tournaments starting as early as tip-off of the play-in game compared to those taking placebo This apathy continued throughout the Final Four and Championship game. Additional benefits included increased productivity at work, minimal arousal at Cinderella stories, and a reduction in suicidal ideation amongst Duke alumni.

More than twenty-seven million American adults are affected by March Madness, a serious psychiatric condition also known as Pervasive Tournament Sleep Disorder (PTSD). Patients with March Madness are symptomatic almost one-twelfth of their lives. Characterized by gambling, mood swings, and unusual interest in Butler University. March Madness endsin depression for 95% of all afflicted, and virtually 100% of mid-major attendees.

Vitalecillin® is not without its detractors. In a heated interview on this morning's Today Show, actor Tom Cruise repeatedly jumped up and down on his chair cackling, "Bracketology is a pseudoscience…There is no such thing as March Madness."

Asslete Pharmaceuticals, however, is dismissive of such criticisms. "The approval of Vitalecillin® provides bracketologists and their patients with a single medication to treat both the depressive and manic episodes associated with March Madness," said Brent Musburger, Asslete's Executive Director of Drug Development. "It's awesome baby!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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