George Bush Americas Best President Ever!
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - India - In an article for IndiaDaily.com, Sudhir Chadda writes, "You may not realize today but ten years from today you will acknowledge George Bush is America's best President."In a push to improve his i...
Read full storyCDC Issues List of Phony American Diseases
Atlanta, Ga (IP) - The Center for Disease Control has issued a list of diseases which occur only in the United States and these only exist in the minds of wealthy Hollywood prima donna glitter queens and wanna be copy cat types.
Read full storyBush Revives Military Draft
Washingdung (IP) - President Bush announced today that due to the squandering of America's troops in Iraq that he has no choice but to revive the military draft as of this Monday. In a rare moment of candor he admitted that being raised in a bil...
Read full storyBong Hits 4 Al Gore's Son, Arrested for Cannabis Possession
California - (Ass Mess): Al Gore The Third has been busted by the LAPD on suspicion of cannabis and prescription drug possession.
Read full storyHUMMAH Kidnap Eron Duck
MIDDLE EAST (ABRAKADABRA) -- Today. Hummah (Huge Unpredictable Mozzie Mob Arse Holes) have kidnapped Eron Duck. Duck, on a goodwill visit to allied infidel forces from Wally Golly World (WGW) in the U.S., disappeared while talking to a local donkey.
Read full storyCruise biopic filming banned in hysteric Berlin district
Berlin - (Ass Mess): The German state authorities have banned Tom Cruise and his film crew from the Bendlerblock area of Berlin which is a site of "special national and hysterical interest" where an army colonel was executed in World War I...
Read full storyBill Gates comes in second, along with his baby-batter; stock market worried
Beijing, China - Adding insult to injury, Bill Gates got the news just before his tour of China that not only has he lost the coveted top spot of the world's riches man, to Mexican billionaire, Carlos Slim, now he discovers he came in second plac...
Read full storyRomney And Man's Best Friend
A man with bullet train goals, Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney solved an overcrowded station wagon problem by tying the family dog's carrying case to the car roof, and driving 12-hours to visit his parents in Ontario, Canada. Some mig...
Read full storyMcCain Offers Medical Plan for the Wealthy
Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain said this weekend that he is working on a health care reform proposal that will ensure quality medical care for the rich and powerful.
Read full storyObama & Clinton Armwrestle for Global Warming
Top presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will armwrestle each other in Las Vegas next week. The charity event will benefit global warming research.
Read full storyBritney Spears In Rain Storm: Gets Wet
Pop icon Britney Spears had a rather mortal moment today when she was caught in a rain storm outside Pittsburgh today. The singer got quite wet as she did not have an umbrella with her.
Read full storySchoolgirl panty war over!
July'07: Yesterday it was announced in the capitals of the U.S and Japan by the trade ministers of both countries that the crippling tarrif war over used schoolgirl panties is over.
Read full storyAishwarya Ranked Among The 10 Most Beautiful Women of All Time
London - (Ass Mess): Vague magazine has ranked Aishwarya Rai one of the Top Ten Living Goddesses of All Time.
Read full storyCatherine Tate Is New Doctor Who
According to news released in the last hour, comedienne Catherine Tate is to be the new Doctor Who. She will take up the role after the current Doctor, David Tennant, is killed-off in the Christmas episode that also stars Aussie soap star-turned-sing...
Read full storyKate Moss junks Doherty
London - (Ass Mess): Kate Moss called in a fleet of pantchnicons today to junk Pete Doherty's trash from her life as well as from her house in North London's uber-hip Primrose Hill.
Read full storyRon Paul Supporters Storm White House!
ABS News Agency. July 4, 2007 - ABS News has just learned that thousands of Ron Paul supporters have stormed the White House, briefly taken it over, and interrogated Vice President Dick Cheney. After the interrogation, Cheney, along with Karl Rove a...
Read full storyTerror cops focus on Madonna
London - (Ass Mess): Police investigating the NHS terrorist cell have reverted their attention to the international recruitment activities of ageing peroxide warbler Madonna and her Kabbalah network of Mossad operatives.
Read full storySharapova on-court grunting 'louder than orgasm'
Wimbledon - (Ass Mess): The Lawn Tennis Association has warned tennis ace Maria Sharapova that her unbridled on-court grunting, shrieking and panting is excessive after TV viewers complained that she is making more noise than porno movie actresses fe...
Read full storyRoyals Plan to Bring Back Diana
(Gay Press) Sacha Cucksoccer, Royal correspondent: In a media leak today it was revealed that the British Royal Family are planning to revive their flagging popularity by bringing Princess Diana back from the dead.
Read full storyChocolate lowers your blood pressure!
According to research conducted by chocolate experts, a mouthful of dark chocolate ever day lowers blood pressure!...
Read full storyAlan Johnston Freed From Gaza Strip Joint
BBC reporter Alan Johnston has this morning been released by Islamic militant forces who had been holding him hostage for 114 days.
Read full storyNew "Unibomber" Suspected Mastermind Behind Car Bombs in UK
APE Line-London, United Kingdom - Officials here in London today are circulating the the picture of a man they are calling the "Unibrow Unibomber". He is now suspected as a common link to several suspects currently in custody.
Read full storyMeth-head Abbas re-shuffles Farta Party
(Ass. Wipe) - Palestine: Following Gordon Brown's newly announced cabinet, Rabid Cameroon's re-shuffled Shadow cabinet and Sir Minging Cowgirl's re-shuffled Runners-Up cabinet, Palestine's Farta Party underwent a similar re-organisati...
Read full storyBarry Bonds Actually White; Sportswriters Cheer
Sportswriters over the past week have been announcing their support for Barry Bonds in his home run chase after it was announced last week that Bonds is actually white. Gaylord Perry, a teammate of Bobby Bonds on the 1960s San Franci...
Read full storyNew Security Threat System Unveiled
Security experts are meeting today to discuss the implementation of a new Terror Alert system. The current system, which has five levels ranging from 'Tickety-Boo' through to 'Critical' is claimed to be insufficient to meet the needs...
Read full storyElton John creates 'waves' at Diana's concert
All hell broke loose at the Lady Diana's concert when Sir Elton John decided to 'break the wind' while singing about a candle. The consequences of the sound and the pungent odor emanating from the grossly enlarged anus of the homosexual d...
Read full storyPakistan to NATO: "Please, come in!"
ISLAMABAD (Reuterus) - Pakistan's National Security Council and President Pervez Musharraf indicated today that they might accept foreign intervention against extremists operating in lawless tribal areas bordering Afghanistan.
Read full storyConfusion & Fatigue Blamed in 'Friendly Fire' Incident
Montpelier, Vermont (AP) - On March 29, 2006, Canadian Private Robert Costall (a gunner) and US Sergeant First Class Thomas Stone (a medic) were accidentally killed by 'friendly fire' in Helmand Province, Afghanistan. -- Note: There is hardl...
Read full storyBlackstone To Buy Paris Hilton
US private equity group Blackstone has agreed a $26billion all-cash deal to buy celebrity heiress and former jailbird Paris Hilton, in news announced yesterday.
Read full storyGerman Aristocrat Plunges To His Death One Month Too Early, Say Police
A German aristocrat, found dead after falling from his fourth-floor balcony in an exclusive area of West London, died one month too early, say police from Scotland Yard.
Read full storyGoddess No More!
Bhaktapur, Nepal (AP) - For the past eight years ten-year-old Sajani Shakya was recognized by her people as a living Goddess, or Kumari. But local religious leaders have now stripped her of that title because she recently traveled to the US to promo...
Read full storyThe New Declaration of Independence
Just to refresh your memory, since this first document hasn't been read in years, here is the Bill of Rights:...
Read full storyMovie Inspires New Technology
Fans of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" will be happy to learn that NASA has released plans to actually build The Heart of Gold spaceship as seen in the movie. NASA does not however plan to build the flying bricks that are the craft...
Read full storyPresident Bush Pardons Osama Bin Laden, Iran, Syria, Hezzbollah, Yassar Arafat, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Ill and Princess Diana
APE Line - President Bush today shocked the world with another unexpected Pardon, this time to arch enemy Osama Bin Laden, Iran, Syria, Hezzbollah, Yassar Arafat, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Ill and Princess Diana.
Read full storyStill a Long Time Til Christmas
Little Yorkie Dogs everywhere are disappointed to learn that there is still six months until Christmas. Yorkies are loved and adored (and spoiled) by their owners. Because of this, they are one of the breeds most likely to receive Christmas gifts, a...
Read full storyLotion Recalled after Found to Contain Steroids
Re-All Tan self-tanning lotion was recalled today after the FDA found that it contained an extreme amount of a genetically mutated steroid. The steroid drastically effected the muscle mass of the body and reacted negatively with the tanning formula t...
Read full storySurprise Candidate! Osama Bin Laden
In a surprising move, Osama Bin Laden has announced his candidacy for the 2008 United States presidential contest. After years of terrorist actions against the U.S. Bin Laden has decided to take over the country from within. "If you watch Amer...
Read full storyThe '70s psychedelic rock group, Pink Floyd, endorses Mitt Romney for President 2008; 'Seamus' the family flying dog the cause?
Washington, D.C. Mitt Romney won a surprising endorsement from the 1970s psychedelic rock group, Pink Floyd, when they announced today that they would be urging their fan base to support the Romney for President Election 2008 Campaign effort with vol...
Read full storyBush Celebrates 4th of July With Fireworks
President George W. Bush celebrated the 4th of July with fireworks and a bbq. Bush, at the Crawford Ranch for the Independence Day holiday, oohed and aahed with the rest at the "rockets red glare" overhead.
Read full storyPregnant Christina Aguilera and Husband Expecting First Baby
Christina Aguilera has announced that she and her husband (whose name is not important as no one remembers it anyway and she only married for his looks) are expecting their first baby. No due date has been announced, but it is guessed that the child...
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