"He tried to bite me" - Teenage girl's horror as date with vampire goes wrong
Leesa, 16, of Alabama today told of her shock when a date with a vampire almost ended in disaster. "I thought he would write poetry and say really deep things" she sobbed "but he wasn't like that at all. Then he got all fangy and tried to bite me...
Read full storyDodge-Chrysler lands $1.6 billion contract to build military SUV's - for China!
Chicago, IL---Chrysler announced today that it's award winning manufacturer of sport utility vehicles, Dodge, is going to be building heavy duty, military versions of the Durango for the Chinese military. In a move to bolster the fledgling Dodge l...
Read full storyTwo World Trade Center to be world's biggest Windows logo?
Suggestions that the design of the new building at Two World Trade Center in New York looks like a giant Microsoft advert have been strenuously denied by the designers. London-based Foster + Partners have said that the sloping roof of the building i...
Read full storyDale Farm pikeys play Ecuador trump card
Essex - Urgent questions have appeared tonight about the Amazon Defence Coalition's possible role in the latest Dale Farm eviction scam Six million quid has been demanded by feckless illegals to move from their occupation of the precious Green Be...
Read full storyTop TV show "The Hour" to return in half hour episodes
BBC ratings winner 'The Hour' which starred her from Atonement, him from the Wire, her from Four Wedding and a Funeral, and John Keats will return in half hour episodes in the Autumn. Mr Repeats on me as well, from the august institution explaine...
Read full storyHit TV game show "Is this your paperclip?" to be replaced
Following the demise of 'Is this your Sheep?' the BBC has revealed that a similar game show is also on its last legs. 'Is this your Paperclip?' which is currently hosted by Dermot O'Leary will not have its contract renewed. The programme has been...
Read full storySue Pollard cast as Lady Macbeth
80's favourite Su Pollard is to be cast as Lady Macbeth in a fringe production of the Scottish play. The actress best known for her work in 'Hi De Hi', 'Oh, my Artichokes, Oh, My Giddy Aunt', 'Whoops there goes another one', 'Penny Crayon' and 'Oh...
Read full storyMan is surprised that he cannot trust politicans, the media, or anything he reads
Mr Numpty, from the Roger Hargreaves collection of Mr Men books has revealed, in a rare face to face interview that he is surprised that we as a society can no longer trust our politicians, or our media. The amorphous blob of yellow, wearing a sma...
Read full storyRound 1: Harry Ramsden's defeated by American gluttons
ORLANDO - Harry Ramsden's, the famous British fish and chip restaurant, "bit off more than it could chew" with their recent venture into the United States market. The landmark entry of Ramsden's into Walt Disney World at Orlando, Florida was accompan...
Read full storyPhilippine captured giant croc is related to Godzilla!
The largest saltwater croc known to living man has been captured in the Philippines and after taking his genes off, it has now been established that he wears the same one's as Godzilla the T Rex did millions of years ago. The local people believe...
Read full storyUK Politician's Suitable Anagrams - 2011
We present to you, anagrams of some of the crooks... I mean MP's of this wonderfully riot torn, nepotistic, and crumbling Nation. You will find some members of the Conservative Party (Anag: Vast carnivore type), New Labour Party (Anag: An we bar poultry), and the Liberal-Democrat Party (Anag: Cry bedlam Proletariat) David Cameron: Prime Minister (Tory-Coalition) 'Odd, I crave man' Nicola...
Read full storyJohn Kerry not sure what he will do with all his money
Washington--John Kerry is really rich and not sure what he should do with all his wealth. Should he give it to the poor, find ways to get the economy going by investing it, or find creative ways to shelter his income from the evil IRS? "I joined t...
Read full storyWales manager vows to bring forward Englands Euro embarrassment by 9 months
Wales manager Gary Speed has outlined his determination to bring forward the inevitable embarrassment that awaits the England team at Euro 2012 by 9 months in defeating the Three Lions in this evenings qualifier at Wembley. The former Leeds midfie...
Read full storyMasturbation provides links to blindness cure
Paris, France: A 22 year old blind man has had his eyesight miraculously restored after an eight hour masturbatory session. Initially baffled, scientists think they may have now identified a health benefit stemming from the world's oldest handshake.
Read full storyLords' oral questions about 'Men Who Have Sex With Men-And-African-Communities'
London - Today In Parliament's question time special has focused on a demographic hybrid previously omitted in pesky Local Authority gender preference-assignment questions. 'Men Who Have Sex With Men-And-African-Communities' has been identified as...
Read full storyRampant Pharmaceuticals sue state governors
Rampant Pharmaceuticals are taking legal action against the Governors of Texas and Alaska afer these states banned their popular stiffening drug RIGID that outlasts Viagra and Cialis. The two Governors, Perry and Palin, are known affectionately...
Read full storyCameron Wants Gaddafi: Dead or Alive
David Cameron is keen to see the end of Mummar Gaddafi so that he can face his Tory Conference with the Colonel's head on a platter. Insiders at Tory HQ have for days been encouraging MI6 to take the second chance the PM is giving them to establis...
Read full storyBrownian Motion Disproved
Every schoolchild will have, at some time, been shown Brownian Motion. Those little specks or motes dancing around on the surface of a liquid or even floating in the air. The original explanation was that jostling atoms are knocking these motes, c...
Read full storyCelebrity chefs set to do new "Zoo dinners"
Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Oliver and Anthony Worrall-Thompson are set to hit the TV screens this Autumn with a new show that follows them as they attempt to re-invent a fledgling Zoo's food. The three chefs began their quest in May 2011 after Splot Zoo...
Read full storyMoron faces 21 charges in Parliamentary expenses fiddle
Luton - A former Luton South Labour MP is to be indicted for £60,000 of dry rot fiddles at a Southampton home. Margaret Moran (sic) faces 15 false accounting and six forgery charges in what the CPS has described as a stellar career of milking the...
Read full storyHopes fade for Tasty Droitwich Harvest Festival 2011
Worcestershire - Autumn gales have battered the ancient Spa town famous for its Dead Sea-comparable salinity and carnal - er..canal! - marina developments. This morning 75mp gusts decimated the local allotment society's show gardens sending severa...
Read full storyParis Hilton's Vagina Is Pissed Off
Paris Hilton has once again proved what a shallow, calloused, self centered person she really is. Rumors have always abounded that Paris is a creature of popularity, only hanging out with the coolest of the cool. Once someone is, "not", instead of, "...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Will Be Watching Ex-Boyfriend Derek Hough When Dancing With The Stars Premiers
HOLLYWOOD - Season 13 of Dancing With The Stars will have it's season premier on September 19. The show which is one of the top ranked in the nation will return with Co-Hosts Tom "Jumpy" Bergeron and Brooke "Skinny Legs" Burke who says she wants t...
Read full storyVanessa Hudgens Addresses The Rumors About Her Brand New Tattoo
VENICE BEACH - One of the most widely known tattoo artist on the Left Coast is a tattooist known as Bong Bong. He has reportedly inked the bodies of some popular celebrities including Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, Eva Longoria, and Kat Von D. He...
Read full storyGreen Food Color in Gas Doubles Exxon Market Share
Capitalizing on the huge amount of publicity given to "green energy", oil giant Exxon has doubled its market share by using food dye to physically color its gasoline green. The move has been accompanied by a fanfare of publicity around Exxon's "Cl...
Read full storyRepublican Office Worker Hits Horse Racing Trifecta Jackpot
Monmouth Park NJ: There is a new multi-millionaire in the Garden State today, as a New Jersey man hits it big on the sport of king's playing the trifecta. (A trifecta is a bet where the bettor must predict which horses in a race will finish first, se...
Read full storyLibyan Townsmen Not Fooled by Giant Wooden Rabbit
Bani-Walid, Libya - Citizens defending this stronghold of Muammar Ghadaffi thwarted a recent plot by members of the National Transitional Council (NTC) to infiltrate their city with a giant wooden rabbit. The rabbit, owned by the BBC, had been in...
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