Manganese Voted Britain's Favourite Word
The word manganese has been voted the U.K's favourite word, by readers of Word Monthly magazine, Britain's premier source for all word related information. The word, acclaimed for it's ease of slipping off the tongue, and almost happy pronunciat...Read full story
Downtown Abbey: Episode 1: The Creepy Crawleys
"Oy! Carson! Where's me fry up you lazy bastard!" Called the Earl of Grantham, from his bedroom. "Your going to the dogs!and I dont mean Battersea you mug!". Lady Grantham, put down her newspaper and looked at her husband. "Do you have to spek in such a minner to der stiff? Wee dunt you jiz rung der bill?" Lord Grantham giggled, "Put your teeth in Maude, you sound like a fukin Russian on cra...Read full story
Local Ploughing Match Ruined By Villager
Anger took hold within the local farming community this weekend, when a vandal ruined their annual ploughing match. The event, designed to reward the best ploughmen for their craft, was to be held in fields just outside a small village in Kent on...Read full story
Andy Coulson hires The A Team
Sacked News of the World editor Andy Coulson has today sacked his current legal counsel in the phone-hacking scandal, over the issue of legal fees and representation. Mr Coulson has been in negotiations with a new team of legal counsellors he is...Read full story
Harry Redknapp to be nationalised
Following the unsuccessful bid by the club to buy the Oympic Stadium, Tottenham Hotspur have announced today that manager Harry Redknapp will be floated on the stock market in a move that is expected to lead to changes in the contracts of several oth...Read full story
Lib Dems try to ban topless women
The Liberal Democrats' latest policy has been a boob with voters - they would like to ban topless women from all media. Among titters from the audience, a spokesman from the party announced at the Lib Dem conference that breasts in the media shou...Read full story
Organized crime steps in to 'organize' the US government
Howard Beach, Queens - Tired of seeing their criminal gains decline due to a shrinking economy and legislative indifference, the leading organized crime families in America have joined forces to take over the US government. "Youse won't be hearing...Read full story
Devil Worshippers Hit Out At Rangers FC's Sectarian Policy
Scottish Satanists have hit out at Rangers football and are said to be "livid" over their apparent sectarian policy over the signing of Satanists, Pagans and Occultists. Representatives of The Scottish Satanist and Luciferian Group are said to be...Read full story
The World's Largest Sperm Bank Says "No" To Redhead Deposits
COPENHAGEN, Denmark - France's national news agency Le News is reporting that the largest sperm bank system in the world Wigglies 'R' Us has issued an official directive stating that it will no longer accept any deposits from redheads. The Directo...Read full story
Ratings agencies downgrade speed of light
As the financial crisis continues to spread, it appears that not even the immutable laws of physics are immune from the effects. Credit rating agencies including Vibe Ratings have downgraded the speed of light from C to C-, after derivatives traders...Read full story
Major gas find under Blackpool 'is Zyklon-B' - reports
Lancashire - A right frickin' fracking mess has developed as energy industry midgets Wannabe Oil N Gas announced today the discovery of Europe's biggest subterranean gas field. Company's optimism that 200 trillion cubic feet of shale gas is just w...Read full story
Volunteering Survey Paints False Picture Says Media Boss
A survey suggesting levels of volunteering are at a ten-year low has been slammed by a local media magnate. According to the annual Citizenship Survey, just 39 per cent of people took part in some form of volunteering over the past year. This rep...Read full story
Top Dems Flee DC after Reports Predicting Space Junk Could Land on Their Ass!
In a somewhat disorderly evacuation from the Capital after Homeland Security maven Janet Napilatano declared Defcon 5 over falling Space 'Junk', the whereabouts of the President, his family, Joe Biden, and Harry Reid is currently listed by the White...Read full story
Southport beach to be used for advertising space
In order to raise additional cash for the beleaguered metropolitan borough of Sefton, vast tracts of sand in Southport are set to be used for advertising. "It's perfect," said Bill Bored, councillor for advertising in Sefton. "There's about three...Read full story
PIIGS?? Eurozone states face GIPSI evictions
Brussels - EU runt states of Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece and Spain have demanded an immediate makeover of their tarnished porcine image. Threatened with default sanctions by their First Brussels Gravy Train Bank masters the PIIGS group said t...Read full story
World Surplus of Bubble Wrap to be Used to Make Cars Safer
In a bold move, BMW and Volkswagen are set to start to work through the world's surplus bubble wrap mountain to coat the inside of their next generation cars. "It makes sense to us," said Brian McWilliams of Volkswagen. "We get paid to take this e...Read full story
UBS Trader 'Lost Four Words'
The man accused of unauthorised trading that lost Swiss bank UBS around £1.5bn ($2.3bn) has told a court that it is all a big mistake and that it happened because he "lost four words". A Solicitor representing Kweku Adoboli was initially misquoted...Read full story
Being Alive Can Raise The Risk of Cancer
Being alive can raise the risk of developing cancer, a German led research project announced today. A study of over 6 billion people worldwide carried out over the last 20 years, and costing $8bn found that being alive dramatically increases the...Read full story
Isle of Wight News - Satellite found in a garden in Ventnor
Roy McIlrath pulled back the curtains of his Ventnor home this morning to discover a satellite the size of a bus in his back garden. "I was quite upset," said McIlrath. "It landed on me lettuce. Worse than that, I was keeping me lettuce in me gree...Read full story
Angry Economics Gods Demand Sacrifices
People around the world are coming to terms with the fact that despite those arse numbingly dull election campaigns, toadying creepy men in bad suits doorstepping for votes and ludicrous expense claims for houses they aren't even living in, politicia...Read full story
Cern Boffins Baffled By Faster-Than-Light Particles
Cern scientists have been baffled by experiments which seem to turn a century of physics on its head. They claim to have witnessed neutrinos travelling at speeds faster than the speed of light. If they are shown to be correct, it could throw doubt...Read full story
Elton John's life to be filmed it promises to be a 'gay' old affair!
Reg Dwight is to have his life filmed and his 'Gay' followers just can't wait to see him, his husband, Freddy Mercury, Boy George, George Michael, Ricky Martin, etc, all in action at some of the "parties" he held at his mansion. Reg's life is "...Read full story
Simon Cowell's New Show "X-Factor" Gets Beaten In The Ratings By The #1 Sit-Com "Modern Family"
LOS ANGELES - The overnight ratings came in and Simon Cowell's much anticipated new singing reality show X-Factor got beaten by the top situation comedy in the country, Modern Family. A total of 14.3 million viewers watched the season's premier ep...Read full story
Kathy Griffin Hates Lady Gaga's New Song "Bluffin' With My Muffin"
VENICE BEACH - Kathy Griffin the star of the cable show My Life On The D-List was spotted down at Venice Beach, where the 50-year-old was sporting a brand new tiny pink string bikini swimsuit as she strutted her stuff on the shoreline. Griffin was...Read full story
George Clooney States That Stacy Keibler is Smart, Shapely, and Sexy!
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - George Clooney and his new girlfriend former professional wrestler Stacy Keibler recently spent three days down in the land that comedian George Lopez calls Sunny Old Mexico. Lopez was never too creatively original when it...Read full story
No more last-meal requests in Texas as executed white supremacist ruins it for the rest of death row's rat bastards
AUSTIN, Tx.--Lawrence Russell Brewer wasn't even cold and stiff from lethal injection late today before the Texas lawmakers started the ball rolling to end fancy last-meal requests. Brewer, 44, had requested quite a feed for his last meal includin...Read full story
The Dregs of History (1) - Joan of Aarrgghh!
There have been numerous people throughout history who have made significant contributions towards society's development. Many of these rightfully gained a place in the history books and are common household names. Leonardo da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Michaelangelo, and Sir Isaac Newton spring to mind. There are also, however, numerous individuals who through no fault of their own, failed to ge...Read full story
Sex Change Not All It's Cracked Up to Be Says former UK Man Now a Lap Dancer in Pattaya!
A former UK citizen who chose to change his gender in hopes of landing a better job, now says he has second thoughts about his new profession in Thailand where he toils nightly as an exotic dancer entertaining Germans. "I've always been a gay lad, but not in a gay way, I was just happy go lucky an that, but I got bored 'back 'ome', same old stuff night after night said "Ken," Out with the la...Read full story
The Science of Politics Revealed
Many people make the mistake of thinking that politics is all about people and that science plays no part in it. These people are clearly wrong. I will tell you why - and I'm not talking about getting a degree in political science either. I already discussed how dark matter influences parliament in my book You Can't Polish a Turd - the Civil Servant's Manual, so I will not repeat myself here.Read full story