"He tried to bite me" - Teenage girl's horror as date with vampire goes wrong

Written by Kate_UK

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Leesa, 16, of Alabama today told of her shock when a date with a vampire almost ended in disaster.

"I thought he would write poetry and say really deep things" she sobbed "but he wasn't like that at all. Then he got all fangy and tried to bite me in the neck. It wasn't romantic at all."

Friends and family had tried to warn Leesa off the sallow youth, saying that he seemed "a bit odd" and "often covered in human blood" but she paid no attention. "I'd seen Buffy and Twilight" she said "I know what vampires are like - sure, they're moody and mysterious but deep down they mean well."

Leading anti-vampire forces issued a statement to try and counter this kind of fantasy before someone gets seriously hurt. "Vampires do not mean well" said a spokesman, a Mr Evan Hellsing "They mean to try and snack on you. And they will, at every opportunity." He went on to describe vampires as "bitey" and "not overly concerned with any kind of written word. Not even haikus."

Other teenage girls have also fallen victim to the "broody but romantic" vampire myths. Just last month, 15-year old Chasey Stokoe had a narrow escape. When dining with a vampire in a darkened restaurant, she suddenly had the urge to fling back the curtains in order to "see him sparkle in the sunlight". Within seconds, her date was reduced to a pile of smouldering ash. If she hadn't been so taken with the idea of his sparkly skin, who knows what could have happened?

The International Brotherhood of the Vampirics today refused to comment on the situation, saying the whole thing was "beneath us" but we did manage to get one vampire's point of view.

"You think it's bad for you humans?" he said "What about us? We're hundreds of years old, yet we keep having to date teenage girls just to try and get a meal at the end of the day. Have you ever been on a date with a teenage girl? They're so boring! It's all angst and nail varnish."

But does this detract girls like Leesa? No.

"I'm still waiting for my very own Edward to show up" she said "And if that involves hanging out in overcast places, showing off a lot of neck, then that's what I'm going to do". Time will tell if this strategy ultimately ends in tragedy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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