Health And Safety Brigade Criticise Carpets
Under new health and safety in the home, carpets will have to be replaced in houses up and down England and Wales. Scotland is exempt due to there being no health and safety north of the border. "Carpets are one of the most dangerous items in t...Read full story
Limericke: Sir Knight from Mata del Nance
A Limericke about the Silliness of Knight Errants when Honor and Glory overshadowed the Bleak, Miserable, Shallow Lives of the First Estate and laid waste to the Humble, Impoverished, and Lowly Lives of Peons, Serfs, and Beings that go Bump in the Night: Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Percival Blink, Esq. to His Most Excellen...Read full story
Riots break out again - in Devon seaside resort
Following the government's successful quelling of the riots which troubled some of the UK's major cities in August, it seems that acts of group vandalism and violence have made a reappearance, this time in a Devon seaside town. On Monday evening,...Read full story
A Sushi Bar In Burnley? - You're Having A Laugh Mister Yakomoto!
The few remaining residents of the declining mill town of Burnley, in Lancashire, were almost unanimous in their condemnation of a Japanese businessman's plans to launch two sushi bars - one on the site of a former pub on Accrington Road, in the town...Read full story
Desperate Man Meets Desperate Woman, Both Decide that they aren't Nearly that Desperate
Desperate for dates of any kind, Susan Fugly and Jerry Booger, both of Cleveland, Ohio, who met through the dating service I'll Take Anything, met for their inaugural and last date at a local restaurant called Grease Is Us. Sitting in a booth at the back of the restaurant next to a bay window that overlooked a landfill, both parties were a bit stunned by what they saw. So stunned in fact that...Read full story
SpongeBob SquarePants Responsible for Decay of US Education?
New research has verified what so many people have already known: SpongeBob SquarePants is Public Enemy Number One. The researchers from the Ivy League College of Whatsa Matta U. have found that kids who watch SpongeBob SquarePants end up with...Read full story
Spend, Spend, Spend is the advice of bankers and politicians to punters!
There has been a massive upturn in the world economy as Europe, Japan, China, India, the US, Russia and others who thought they were heading for a recession now are heading for a "BOOMING" time ahead. Greek, Spanish, French, Italian, UK and US fin...Read full story
Pope Picks Windows 8 as the 'Official Operating System of the Catholic Church'
Microsoft may have gotten the miracle it needs to get back on top of the personal computer heap. In a recently released encyclical, Pope Benedict XVI named the company's latest version of Windows as "The Official Operating System of the Catholic Chu...Read full story
Police Baffled By 'The Worthing Code' - Not Sure If It's All About Sex, Drugs, Or What!
Senior detectives based in the once sleepy seaside coastal town of Worthing, admitted today that they are "absolutely baffled" as to the purpose behind the so-called 'Worthing Code' - a system of communications devised by somebody in Worthing, which...Read full story
President Obama Makes Surprise Visit to Unemployed Family to Promote his "Jobs Plan"
An Akron, Ohio family of six whose both parents are unemployed, received a surprise visit from US President, Barack Obama just as they were sitting down to start their evening meal. No sooner had the Jones's family taken their seats about the dinner...Read full story
Obama organizes kegger for Medal of Honor recipient
WASHINGTON, D.C.--When Sgt. Dakota Meyer learned he would receive the Medal of Honor for his heroic actions in Afghanistan, Meyer requested a meeting with President Obama. Advisors to the President suggested that young soldiers enjoy beer much mor...Read full story
21 Future Memories for the UK & the USA!
We present for your delectation and perusal, 42 future memories, that we believe will come a reality! UK Memories UK Memory One: "Aye, I remember when we only had street riots once a day!" UK Memory Two: "I can remember what Petrol and Diesel were!" UK Memory Three: "I remember when you could buy a week's groceries for three people for under £1,400!" UK Memory Four: "I remember...Read full story
A Review of our MP's Characters
As sent in to us by Iam Skint, of Upper Denture Cemetery. The odd MP will be a Europhile, The odd MP will be antimissile, The odd MP will be a bibliophile, The odd MP will be like a crocodile, The odd MP will be a homophile, The odd MP will be erstwhile, The odd MP will be infantile, The odd MP will be infertile The odd MP will be very hostile, The odd MP will be a paedophile, The od...Read full story
Fuel prices fuel a lot of gas in India
In a move that is certain to raise a lot of temperatures across the country, the Cartel of Natural Gas and Resources (CoNGRes) has increased the price of petrol by 3 rupees per liter, or roughly 24 cents for a gallon. The hike goes into effect from...Read full story
Perry returns to Texas for execution, cocktails, & Kill Baby Kill rally!
Governor Rick Perry returned to Texas this morning to host a cocktail party in honor of the latest execution in the state prison. Hot off the campaign trail and beaming with pride, he spoke briefly on landing at the airport: "I am here to celebra...Read full story
One Day - The Director's Cut
Its some time back in the 80s at a university in Edinburgh and a young couple are in their final year about to go their separate ways. The bloke, played by Hugh Grant wakes up in the bedroom of the girl, played by 90s one hit wonder Haddaway the morning after one final bender in the student union. Hugh Grant - Um, so what am I doing here? Haddaway - What? Hugh Grant - You know? What am I...Read full story
New Iceland F1 Grand Prix To Be Sponsored By Mobility Scooter Manufacturer
It has just been announced that the new Iceland Formula One Grand Prix, scheduled for 2012, will be sponsored by mobility scooter manufacturer, Nippy Zippy Mobility Scooter Company. (NZMSC) F1 executives, including the capo di tutti capi, Eccles B...Read full story
Some Shocking Sarah Palin Secrets Revealed In New Tell-All Book
WASILLA, Alaska - Noted author Jebediah "Torpedo" McGillicuddy has just written an exposé on the former governor of Alaska Sarah Louise Palin that alleges a whole lot of allegations. The book is titled, Gosh Darnit It Looks Like Old "Snowflake" P...Read full story
UBS Trader 'steals over a billion pounds'
The City has been plunged into the deep end by trader Queer Adboil's alleged fraud resulting in a loss of well over a billion pounds for Swizz Bank UBS - Underhand Bank of Slime. Adboil has denied all the charges against him and has suggested he i...Read full story
Jessica Simpson and Her Fiance's Wedding May Be Cancelled Due To The Wedding Cake
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - In a situation that can only be listed under the heading of "So you thought you had seen and heard it all," comes word that the Jessica Simpson-Eric Johnson wedding scheduled for November 11, may not be taking place after all due to...Read full story
Johann Hari-kari: A Personal Aploogy
I've ritten so many articles over the years laying bare and polemicising against the errors and idiocies of other people. This time, I am writhing an article spreading myself bare [Eh? Ed.] and pomelicising against the errors and idiocies of myslef. If you give it, you have to take it. Like a man. Or not. If you demand high standards of others, you have to come down with a heavy hand, whip or pref...Read full story
'Rogue trader' Prince Harry notches up £1.3billion loss at City bank
London - Talked-up by Red Tops on Monday this week as executing Canary Wharf's historic 18 billion euro ($28.6 billion) currency trade today's headlines are, naturally, a bit of a disappointment. Harry's spurious involvement in the City's 'biggest...Read full story
Man Replaces Missing Thumb with Big Toe Graft: Now Forced to Put a Sock on it!
A local man who lost his thumb during a heated scrum with his local council Rugby Team, is smiling once again as after a 26 month wait a controversial operation performed under the auspices of the NHS grafted his big toe on his hand to replace the...Read full story
Nicola Blackwood's pert breasts eclipse David Cameron at PMQs
London - A hideously expensive plunging black top showcased Nicola Blackwood's rounded, bronzed pair, ever-so-slightly concealed by tousled peroxide locks. "Is she shagging him or Osborne?" was Members' most FAQ today after the surprise bosomy per...Read full story
Turner in Congress, expect more fighting
Washington--Bob Turner is going to Washington, and he promised change that American people can believe in and change Americans can use to buy things they don't need. "I already know what it is like to deal with dysfunctional people, infidelity, h...Read full story
Football Fans Call for All Out Strike
Arsenal Fan's Organisation BSM plastered their discontent towards the running of football on a billboard next to the Emirates Stadium at their last home game against Swansea City. Within hours other football fans gathered support. Everton fans pa...Read full story
ABBA To Get Back Together After Wife-Swap Stunt
ABBA, the Swedish supergroup who, in the 1970s took the music world by its knackers and gave them a damned good shake, are to get back together after a self-imposed break of more than 28 years in the pop wilderness - but with a couple of major change...Read full story
Landau Eugene Murphy Jr., Wins The One Million Dollar First Prize On America's Got Talent
HOLLYWOOD - The result of The America's Got Talent Final was truly a storybook ending as Landau Eugene Murphy Jr., a man who used to wash cars for a living in his hometown of Logan, West Virginia, was named the winner of this season's talent show.Read full story
Jada Pinkett-Smith Buys Marc Anthony A Special Present For His 43rd Birthday
SAVANNAH, Georgia - The Will & Jada and Marc & Jennifer Traveling Sideshow and Carnival continues to play out in various degrees and stages. Jada Pinkett-Smith was recently in Savannah as the grand marshal of The 99th Annual Georgia Peach...Read full story
Acupuncturist convicted of sexual assault
An acupuncturist who probed deeper than was necessary has been charged with sexual assault and sentenced to 20 months in jail, followed by three years on probation. The Supreme Court convicted Kang Van Lam, 59, of sexually assaulting the women at...Read full story
"I Smell Crude!" Sarkozy & Cameron Race to Libya To Suck Up Spoils of War!
It was announced today that British Prime Minister David Cameron and French President Nicholas Sarkozy were about to take off on the next "Great Race" as each prepared a 'diplomatic mission' to Libya to gather up the 'spoils' as both planned to lan...Read full story
Man After 40 Successful 'De-Uglifying' Surgeries: "F--k you ugly people"
Chad Ellington wished all his life he could be beautiful -- and forty cosmetic surgeries later his wish has come true. The new Ellington is not only beautiful, aesthetically-speaking, but he now wishes his ugly former compatriots would leave him alo...Read full story
The Think Tank
The Gappa Institute, a think tank bringing together top scholars of the world, has issued its preliminary report. The suggestions have been forwarded to the various governmental or international bodies that deal with the issues addressed in the report. 1: The think tank has advised that death should be declared illegal. Their reasoning is that, since death by suicide is illegal, and death by ho...Read full story
This is a sequel to the news presentation which was reported in the previous week's bulletin, titled: "Expert Warns of Risk of Death." For the information of readers who may have missed the previous column, the presentation was given by Lafra Dablawala, PhD (Bakwas Institute, Dodogoro, LOK) who authored the article published in the prestigious "Ghanta Journal of Medicine." After discussing t...Read full story