The Meanest Teacher In America "Mr. Sniffles" Needs To Have His Butt Kicked!
VACAVILLE, California - Simon Cowell and his fellow Englishman Piers Morgan can make room for another mean person to join them in their exclusive Meanest Individuals In America Club. William C. Wood High School girls Home Economics teacher Stevie...Read full story
NASA Claims Anwar al-Aulaqi Killed By Falling Satellite, Not By CIA Drone
SANAA YEMEN - Anwar al-Aulaqi, born in the U.S. and one of the most influential al-Qaeda leaders, was first reported to have been killed yesterday by a CIA drone strike in northern Yemen. In Washington, senior Obama officials first confirmed, and...Read full story
Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan To Star In A New Reality Series Called - 'Extreme Makeover: Bitches Edition'
HOLLYWOOD - The Epitome Network has just announced a new reality show named Extreme Makeover: Bitches Edition. The show is currently still in the early planning stages and will star celebrity socialite Paris Hilton and celebrity dysfunctionalite...Read full story
Local Man Admits To Having Wooden Teeth, Plastic Kneecaps, A Concrete Skull, And Being Utterly Witless
Local man, Arsene Hipsway, of Titchyfields, Hants, reputedly a neighbour of talentless local fuckwit, Martin Shuttlecock, today admitted that his teeth are made of wood, his kneecaps constructed of window grade uPVC, and his cranium made of reinforce...Read full story
Pickles Finds Kitten in Dustbin
Government Minister Eric Pickles has found his wife's boy friend's Kitten in a dustbin in Leeds. This has led him to decide to introduce weekly bin collections in an effort the transform the Tory Image and to find more stranded kittens. 'At one bl...Read full story
Letters To The Editor About Flower Arranging, Dead Bees and Hillman Hunters.
Dear Sir, Now that the nights are drawing-in, may I bring to your reader's attention the joys of Flower Arranging. The bright cheerful colours and hues of late-summer blooms can brighten up even the most dreary of rooms. I myself have just placed a vase of yellow tea-roses upon the kitchen table, where their subtle scent and delicate petals have a most pleasing effect. My boyfriend, David...Read full story
Tottenham plans Harry Redknapp theme park at Olympic site.
The ongoing dispute between Tottenham Hotspur and West Ham over the future of the Olympic Stadium took a new turn today. West Ham have asked for an enquiry to be established into their rival club's plans for the site after it was revealed in the...Read full story
God's Answers For Depression
BOOK REVIEW God's Answers For Depression by Mindy Morganstern, Div.B. Yorma Linda Bible Press Some observers say that depression is an overdiagnosed epidemic run rampant. 9% of Americans suffer some form of depression (this figure includes manic, major, and disthymic-low-grade-depression.) More prescriptions are written for mood disorders than for any other condition, including high bloo...Read full story
Osbourne: "Optimus Prime can save Euro"
The Euro crisis deepened further today as markets still uncertain about the Greek bailout plan dropped another two points at the close of trading. The situation was then thrown into further confusion by a bizarre suggestion about how the situation ma...Read full story
Amanda Knox Framed on Police Lies says Pope Benedict
Pope Benedict XVI has weighed in on the Amanda Knox case. Today in an address to a million people in Freiburg, Germany Pope Benedict XVI said: "I cannot believe that Demi Moore has left Ashton Kutcher for Justin Bieber. Wasn't he dating Selena Gomez?...Read full story
Dawkins too busy to defeat opponent!
Outspoken self opinionated atheist fundamentalist and evolution crackpot children's author Richard Dawkins, has yet again refused to debate. His usual bully boy tactics of sparring against TV presenters, ordinary laypersons and hecklers at his own...Read full story
Rupert Murdoch to star in Eastenders
Billionaire tycoon Rupert Murdoch is to join the cast of Eastenders, soap bosses have revealed. The mega rich Aussie will play Pat Butcher's twin sister, Vera and join the cast in November. Writer Lawrence Smythe-Williamson confirmed the news '...Read full story
Environment activists warn of extinction of the Toilet Duck
Following the shocking revelation ithis week about the expedition to find the source of the Ganges, environmental group Greenpeas has called upon the government to take action to protect the critically endangered Toilet Duck. This rare species is...Read full story
Report on expedition to find source of Ganges
The dawn sun beat down on the party as they struggled onwards toward their goal, almost in sight at the final day of their expedition. They had been walking for over an hour and were beginning to feel that their journey would never end. A cat meowed. A dog woofed. A pigeon made a sort of pigeon noise and a mouse farted, followed through then died of syphilis. And at last, the party who set out fro...Read full story
Jo Brand to be refloated this afternoon
Comedienne Jo Brand, stranded on a sandbar in the mouth of the River Humber since Wednesday night, will be refloated today. Ms Brand, while filming for her new series Big Splash, is thought to have been chased into shallow water by a short-sighte...Read full story
Satellite spots massive swarm of vampire bees 'heading for Balmoral'
Edinburgh - Hatched during freakish Indian Summer conditions the airborne colony was spotted by NASA amid reports of a low-flying 'swastika formation' from somewhere near the defunct Chernobyl nuclear reactor. Enhanced imagery shows the swarm quee...Read full story
Incontinent on the continent
Travelling abroad can be a nightmare, especially when the land contains lots of people who pretend not to understand the English for "Where is the toilet" and you're bursting. For this reason, we provide this handy guide for locating lavatories anywhere in continental Europe. English: Excuse me good sir, where are the lavatories? Italian: Mi scusi spirito di cazzo, dove i gabinetti? Fren...Read full story
Size and Shape of Halloween Gourd Display Causes Uproar
Capitalizing on the Halloween consumer market but causing a community uprising in the process, one local store's lawn display featured a large inflatable holiday decoration comprised of two pumpkins and an extremely large, questionably shaped gourd.Read full story
QPR stars face FA charges for using c*** word on Twitter
QPR stars may be on the end of a G Spot fine from the FA for tweeting the word c***. "The word c*** is naughty and we forbid footballers to use it in tweets" said FA Chairman Sir Roger Clunge . 29 year old Sean Wright-Phillips and Shaun Derry,...Read full story
South by Southwest airlines ban made up African names
Rumours that South-by-Southwest airlines have introduced a ban on all non-anglo-Saxon, Germanic, Greek or Roman origin names can be confirmed today. Their CEO, Gerald Ratner announced today that the ban would not affect true Africans and West Ind...Read full story
Rick Perry to debate Democrat Rick Perry
Washington--Governor Rick Perry plans on debating Democrat Rick Perry next week. "I think it is time I debate against a strong candidate, not like those goof balls in the Republican party." Governor Rick Perry told reporters. "I feel that Dem...Read full story
Chris Christie not running for president
Washington--Chris Christie isn't running for president, not until he can find his cock. "I want to make sure my cock matches the size of my ego. I really haven't seen it in years, so I get a little defensive when people asking me questions that a...Read full story
Usain Bolt is beaten in the 100 metres by a woman
The World's Fastest Man Usain Bolt still holds the title of the World's Fastest Man, but he can longer claim to be the world's fastest human. Naima Bilal from Nairobi has shaved three quarters of a second off his time. "We were amazed," said Afric...Read full story
Ashton Kutcher Denies He's Leaving Demi Moore Because He Allegedly Caught Her Playing 'Touchy-Touchy' With Jada Pinkett-Smith
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Ashton Kutcher the new star of Two and A Half Men was asked about the rumor that his older wife (Demi Moore) and Will Smith's wife (Jada Pinkett-Smith) may have engaged in an innocent game of touchy-touchy or as it is more commonly...Read full story
Trial begins for liar-liar-pants-on-fire
A 24-year-old Nigerian man who claimed to have ties to al-Qaida and to hold a Lagos Public Library Card goes on trial this week for destroying his underwear on a Detroit-bound airliner on Christmas Day 2009. Authorities later learned the man's fat...Read full story
Jennifer Lopez Squashes The Rumors That She and Will Smith Were 'Teapotting' Down In Ensenada, Mexico
ENSENADA, Mexico - The entertainment publication Hollywood Hors D'oeuvres reported that a highly reliable, inside, unnamed, source had informed them that Jennifer Lopez had been spotted down in Ensenada, Mexico with Will Smith. The source told Tah...Read full story