Ken Clarke clarifies his position on Oilseed Rape
Justice Secretary and Lord chancellor Kenneth (Ken) Clarke has issued a full and frank apology in attempt to clarify his position on Oilseed Rape. Mr Clarke was forced into the embarrassing climb-down because of comments he made on Radio 4's 'Far...
Read full storyUK investigative reporter discovers that male television couch potatoes have been replaced by a group of males known as 'humour site crosswriters.'
Recent studies conducted by England's highly respected Jane Johnson Institute of Journalistic Gender Disorders located in Wolverhampton, West Midlands has discovered a new male dysfunction. This new affliction is unique for several reasons. First...
Read full storyRyan Giggs Yoga Guru Reveals All About the Sheep Scandal Lies
Ryan Giggs Yoga guru has agreed to reveal all about a National scandal that has shocked the whole of Wales. The scandal revolves around a claim made by the Yoga Guru last year that the sheep he uses to maintain the grass height in the Gardens of h...
Read full storyAmazon tribe has no word for "cock"
Scientists have discovered a remote tribe in the Brazilian rainforest who have no word to describe the male genitalia. The Dingaling tribe were only discovered in the 1970s and Brazilian linguists have been living amongst them for the last few years...
Read full storyEU Plans Assault on Autoerotic Asphyxia, Plans Ban on Plastic Bags in UK; Practitioners Flee to Thailand to Hang Around!
In a sweeping plan to ban plastic bags which have left Brits Breathless, the European Union is taking the first step to shut down deviate sex practices which they say affect the Health & Safety of the British Public. Plastic bags , since inven...
Read full storyTime Not Right For Brown, Say Millions of Financial Experts
Financial commentators from all corners of the globe have united in expressing that the time is not right for former Prime Minister Gordon Brown to be considered for the IMF job vacated by Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Some have stated that Brown is sti...
Read full storyEgypt Style Rally Grows In Spain
Over 2,000 Spanish youths staged an overnight protest in Madrid against high unemployment. A number of political commentators have compared the nature of the protest to that of the pro-democracy rallies that galvanised Egypt. Certainly, many o...
Read full storyNetanyahu Rejects Obama 1967 View
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has rejected comments from US President Barack Obama that 1967 was the most significant year in popular music. In what was seen by many as a groundbreaking speech in Washington yesterday, Obama disassociat...
Read full storyHomeless in NYC: DSK Reduced to Taking Room in YMCA , Harlem Residents 'can't wait!'
Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the IMF Pariah suffering from Priapism, was forced to take a room at the YMCA after several exclusive rental apartments and Manhattan Co-ops refused to put the French Dandy up, no matter what the price. DSK was faced wit...
Read full storyBeckham to launch own 'ladies underwear' range
David Beckham is to launch his own 'ladies underwear' range following the launching of his undies for men. Advertising for the men's range features David on huge billboards showing off his six pack, dressed in undies bearing his name. The tightie...
Read full storySecret Service unveils new, secret, weapon
In the days following the attempt on Congresswoman Gabby Giffords life, and threats made against other politicians, the U.S. Secret Service has decided on a new tact, in dealing with dangerous situations. Although Secret Service director, Mr. Harr...
Read full storyShort Story: I Know It All
John Smith was your average person. He had a job, a life, friends. Just like you and me. Except one thing. He had all the world's information in a sophisticated device - which was only the size of a credit card. His device was shiny, black, and it was his. Whenever the device allowed him to - which was most of the time - he could access trillions of pieces of data with a few taps and clicks...
Read full storyObama proposes Israel-Palestine solution
Today, President Obama met with the Israeli Prime Minister and declared that he had found a solution to the long-running problems in the area. He said, "We propose the creation of a Palestinian state. The Palestinians have wandered in the wilderne...
Read full storyBible Sued By Deity
An unnamed deity has sued the Bible after a number of the writers purported to reveal the name of the deity who allegedly impregnated the Virgin Mary. The deity's legal team begun the legal action in the High Court in London yesterday in what is t...
Read full storyManchester United players being asked to 'moonlight' in order to bring in more revenue for the club. Rooney throws a wobbler.
Manchester United is shouldering big debts, as are a number of clubs in the league. The players received the news today that they will be expected to moonlight in order to bring in more revenue for the club. They reacted with mixed emotions but no...
Read full storyUn-expected turn of events, at Republican fundraiser
It is being reported, nation-wide, that the Muppet, ANIMAL, has "attacked" Republican House Speaker John Boehner, and is, now, in custody of Department of Homeland Security. Details seem to be scarce, as to what caused the alleged attack. The Rep...
Read full storyExplaining The Coolidge Effect -or- Why Arnold F--ked That Ugly Chick.
Story #1: One afternoon, President and Mrs. Coolidge were touring a government-owned farm. the couple split up to tour different sections. While walking past the chicken coops, Mrs. Coolidge noticed one particular rooster mating over and over and over. "How often does that rooster mate?" she asked, ostensibly while trying to ignore her dampening bloomers. "Many times a day, to be hone...
Read full storyShock for Spoof!
A survey has found that sad people live longer. The people who were rated at school as being cheerful tended to die younger as they took more risks in life and enjoyed themselves 'too much'. Prof Glum of Hell University declared that those who told jokes and funny stories were causing premature death. One consolation was that those with jokes that always raised a groan were helping longevity, w...
Read full storyScientists are closer to inventing a "mind reading machine" after decoding the brain signals that make mental images in Glasgow
Scientists are celebrating their new invention, but only in Glasgow. So far they have only been able to decode brain signals of people who 'think' in a Glasgow accent. Often there were NO brain signals to work with but scientists do believe they...
Read full storyNetanyahu furious as Obama refuses to endorse 1100 BC borders
Discord over the future of the Middle East Peace Process continued this morning after President Obama confirmed he would not endorse a proposal which would see Israel return to the borders marked in 1100 BC by the first Jewish settlers. According...
Read full storySenior Judge Shocks Commons: "MP's will now have to follow the law"
In a shocking announcement today, it was confirmed that the Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales would be asking all Members of Parliament to now follow the laws of the Nation. MP's have famously been exempt from being answerable to the law sin...
Read full storyNew protocols announced following Irish Royal visit
Following on from the Royal visit to Ireland, Buckingham Palace has announced a number of protocols in relation to future visits by H M The Queen. The chief lady in waiting, Lady Huriup-Imlate, said, that from now on, people who meet Her Majesty: 1. Must not touch Her Majesty, even for "some small change for a cup of tea" and should certainly never try to sell her a copy of 'The Big Issue'...
Read full storyIMF Head Strauss-Kahn Engaged to Rikers Inmate
Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who heads the International Monetary Fund and, until a few days ago, was likely to be the Socialist Party candidate for president of France, has announced his engagement to Heebie Longfellow, an inmate at New York's Rikers Isl...
Read full storyTrump Aide Arrested: Caught with Obama Birth Certificate
Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi's former nurse, Ukrainian-born Oksana Balinskaya and now Donald Trump's personal assistant, was seized at Honolulu Airport after a high-speed chase through the city. In her possession was President Obama's original bi...
Read full storyGOP Congress: "Legalize Marijuana!"
When John Boehner stood up to introduce the legislation, it took the nations Capitol, by surprise. The press corps was stunned, the nation shocked, and the Europeans amused. The Majority Leader of the US House of Representatives was introducing l...
Read full storyGingrich's "Brilliance" Outshines Einstein
In a nationally televised news conference, potential Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich revealed that his I.Q. is 20 points higher than renowned physicist Albert Einstein. "The American people know that I am basically a modest individual...
Read full storyRep. King Begins Crusade Against Extremists
As reported, Representative Peter King (R-NY) has begun hearings on the radicalization of the Muslim community in the U.S. His congressional committee has decided to extend its mandate to cover certain business groups in the U.S., including the 7-11...
Read full storyGovernment Chips Away at Privacy
The Department of Homeland Security has contracted with the Digital Angel company to have its ID chips implanted in all Americans and illegal aliens. At $12 per chip and injector, the cost will total $4.8 billion, unless the government is able to neg...
Read full storyGlenn Beck is Certified a "Looney"
Special to INS - The American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced that it has created a new category of mental illness, "Looney," to describe the unique mental state of Glenn Beck. An abstract from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Ment...
Read full storyScientists closer to inventing mind-reading machine after brain wave breakthrough in Glasgow
Scientists in Scotland have announced they are close to unveiling their mind-reading machine in Glasgow. Apparently, at present the mind-reading machine is only able to read minds of people who 'think' and speak with a Glasgow accent. Unfortunate...
Read full storyGoogle In Hot Water Over Secret Application Hidden In Its Popular Street View Programme
Multinational giant, Google, is once more coming under fire today and stands accused of making it easy for burglars to rob peoples' homes, after reports of a rogue widget running amok in its already controversial 'Street View' programme. In a leak...
Read full storyIrish demand visit by Pippa Middleton
Following on from the visit of HM The Queen to Ireland, the men of Ireland are now demanding a second visit, this time by Royal sister-in-law Pippa Middleton. The AIAI (Association of Irish Arse Inspectors) are up in arms that their membership, re...
Read full storySchwarzenegger Chooses the Tiger Woods Gambit
Following heated and continuous press coverage over his "love child" news and Maria Shriver's adamant statements opposed to any reconciliation, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be disappearing from the public eye for a while in a clear, Tiger Woods - post...
Read full storyIrish National Stud-U-Like gift of whorse sperm delights the Queen
Shergar, County Louse - A 500-gallon drum of the strong stuff has seen the Queen vow to inseminate flagging House of Windsor genomes. The Irish national equine center gift will hopefully inject some much-needed spunk into the current mutant bloodl...
Read full storyWall Street Caught Napping as Barnes & Noble Merges with Baby Gap Stores
Rejecting Liberty Media's latest bid for the struggling book store chain, Barnes & Noble has announced the acceptance of a deal from The Gap that will merge current bookstore locations with clothing and accessories from Baby Gap specialty stores.
Read full storyParanoid Fergie Convinced Liverpool Behind Bin Laden News
Sir Alex Ferguson admitted in a press conference today that he had suspicions over the timing and motives of the U.S raid that killed Osama Bin Laden earlier this month. "For almost a decade this man has been on the run, yet for some reason he cou...
Read full storyArnold Schwarzenegger Has Been Scratched From Appearing On Next Year's Edition of Dancing With The Stars
WEST HOLLYWOOD - The producers of the hit reality show Dancing With The Stars Bernadette Penderlicki and Curtis Verflippet were having drinks in The Fountain of Youth Lounge at the exquisite Mrs. Ponce De Leon Hotel in Beverly Hills. They were asked by Vodka Vermicelli of iRumors about the intimate love child developments involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Penderlicki who has been very close t...
Read full storyAmerican Idol Down To The Final Two As Haley Reinhart Is Sent Back To Illinois
HOLLYWOOD - The former lead singer with the Pussycat Dolls, Nicole Scherzinger stole the show as she danced and pranced on the American Idol stage throwing down some dance moves that even had judge Jennifer Lopez oohing and ahhing. Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson was so embarrassed he turned two shades of purple and Steven "Lips" Tyler was so engrossed he even put down his copy of Rolling Stone...
Read full storyPakistan Not Aware Of K2
Having been accused of incompetence in not being aware that Osama Bin Laden had been hiding in a large walled compound just yards from a military college in Abbottabad, the Pakistani Government was put under even more pressure today by the news that...
Read full storyDiouf Keen To Stay At Ibrox
El Hadji Diouf, who spent half of last season on loan at Rangers, would be delighted to sign for the Glasgow club on a permanent basis. Its understood that his parent club Blackburn Rovers would be willing to let the controversial winger go for a...
Read full storyQueen's Sympathy For Irish People
The Queen expressed deep sympathy for the Irish people in her state banquet speech at Dublin Castle last night. The monarch was full of emotion as she spoke of her sorrow : I deeply sympathise with the Irish people in having to wear green everything - green ties, green jackets, even green underpants - it really is one of the most tiresome shades for one to have as one's national colour. A...
Read full storyFA Abstains In Vote On Capello
The Football Association's executive board has agreed to abstain in the vote to decide whether or not to continue with Fabio Capello as England manager. FA Chairman David Bernstein explained : "All members of the executive board were unanimous...
Read full storyA Giggling President Obama Announces: "We just Nuked a Whole Bunch of Places"
At a press conference that was held outside of the Pentagon war room, a tipsy and giggling US President Barack Obama announced to the gathered press that the US had just "nuked a whole mess of places" When asked why he decided to "nuke a whole mess of places" an inebriated Obama replied: "Well, me and Senator John McCain and Senator Harry Reid were out partying it up in Old Towne Alexandri...
Read full storyAvram Grant rules himself out of running for vacant West Ham job
Ex West Ham manager Avram Grant has ruled himself out of the running for the vacant manager's position at West Ham. The popular Israeli was the first name on the short list according to the Hammers' sex industry owners. Dildo magnet Karen Brady...
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