Short Story: I Know It All

Funny story written by Inhopeless

Friday, 20 May 2011

John Smith was your average person. He had a job, a life, friends. Just like you and me.

Except one thing. He had all the world's information in a sophisticated device - which was only the size of a credit card.

His device was shiny, black, and it was his. Whenever the device allowed him to - which was most of the time - he could access trillions of pieces of data with a few taps and clicks of his device.

We now join John at a bar. He is talking to an attractive woman.

"Hello there," he said, sauvely, "I'm John. John Smith." He took a quick look at his device to work out what he could say next.

"Well handsome," she said. "My name's Sarah. Sarah Strevens." Quickly, John tapped her name into a database of hundreds of millions of people.

He quickly found out her likes, dislikes, age, hometown, and other crucial information about her.

"You look like the kinda person, who'd..." He stole a look at his device. "... like Scrubs. That sitcom. I think it's like ER mixes with Friends and added slapstick humour." The last phrase was taken from a comment Sarah had made about the show according to his database.

"I feel exactly the same way."

You can guess what happened from there on in.

We then turn to John again, but this time, he's in the park with his friends.

"You know what..." said Mickey, one of his friends. "I wonder what's the difference between a patriot and a nationalist."

John, and the other friend, Sam, went silent.

John quickly searched a huge library from his device, and found the answer.

"A patriot loves their country," he said. "A nationalist loves their country too, but like a crazy-ass stalker loves someone, effectively thinking that their country is the only one in the world."

His friends revelled in his innate knowledge.

"How do you know that?" asked Sam, suspicious.

"How...?" stuttered John. "I...uhh... remember learning it in... school. Politics or something."

His friends were okay with that.

"What date is it?" asked Sam.

"13th June 2011."

"Thanks John," Sam smiled. He then looked concerned. I think your phone's ringing."

"Oh yeah," said John. He took out his device from his pocket, and answered a call from his mother. "Hey ma! You got a new phone? It's amazing isn't it? It feels like you're living in the future, ma? Don't be silly."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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