Spoofer's Bedroom Source of New Species of Creature
[SSSI 7-B] BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - Spoofer Inhopeless founded a new lifeform in his bedroom today. The spoofer said that he had woken up to see the creature facing him. "For a bug-thing," he said, "it's big. It's... like... a cross between a beetle,...Read full story
Bert Trautmann: from Nazi paratrooper to hero of Manchester City
When Bert Trautmann arrived at Manchester City in 1949, 20,000 protested against his signing. By the time he left, he was lauded as the bravest man in British sport. Trautmann was replacing the recently retired Frank Swift, one of the greatest keepers in the club's history. Though privately expressing doubts about the signing, club captain Eric Westwood, a Normandy veteran, made a public dis...Read full story
Despite Super Injuction Speaker John Bercow Reveals Suri Homes Bought Princess Beatrice's Hat!
Cries of 'Shame', 'Scandal', 'Wanker' and even worse reverberated around Parliament today after Speaker John Bercow revealed to a shocked House that Suri Cruise had out bid his wife, Sally, for the coveted hat worn by Princess Beatrice at the Royal W...Read full story
Egypt Speaks Out About New Pyramids Found In Egypt. "Much Better than Civil War!"
Middle Eastern sh-tburgh Egypt stopped their government-influenced killing of their citizenry for a few moments while was rocked today with the incredible news that they've apparently misplaced 17 buried pyramids. "I thought we left them around he...Read full story
Capello Accused Of Showing Disrespect by Swiss Boss
Despite a disastrous World Cup 2010 campaign and an even worse league season with recently relegated West Ham, Robert "Oops" Green has been recalled to the England squad for the Euro qualifier against Switzerland. Swiss boss Ottmar Hitzfeld has ac...Read full story
Marmite Ban In Denmark Provokes Strong UK Response
Denmark's banning of Marmite, the UK's favourite savoury spread, has provoked a massive response from British authorities. All books written by Hans Christian Anderson, including The Ugly Duckling, are to be thrown on bonfires built outside librar...Read full story
Shakira To Attend Champions League Final - Gerard Piquet Warns Chicharito - "Hands Off!"
It appears that Colombian sex symbol, bon vivant, and sometime crooner, Shakira, is to attend the showcase Champions League Final at Wembley on May 28th, in support of her current beau, Barcelona defender, Gerard Piquet. So far, so good - nothing...Read full story
Michael Owen announces he has taken out a super injunction
Former England striker, Michael Owen, has announced that he has taken out a super injunction. The diminutive Scouser, who is still at Manchester United despite rumours to the contrary, has not said what the super injunction is over. "Yeah," he...Read full story
American Idol: Well It Looks Like It Turned Into American Country Idol As It Is Scotty "Cowboy" McCreery Vs. Lauren "Cowgirl" Alaina
HOLLYWOOD - Some last minute adjustments had to be made to the American Idol finale stage in the beautiful Nokia Theater but everything went on as planned. Ryan "Peaches" Seacrest said that 18 bales of hay, an old 1959 cotton pickin' cotton picker...Read full story
Kim Kardashian Chooses Childhood TV Idol to be Father of the Bride
Giving Bruce Jenner one final snub, Kim Kardashian has asked Barney the Dinosaur to act as the father of the bride and give her away at her upcoming wedding to NBA pro, Kris Humphries. Mother Kris didn't appear to object to Kim's request, mostly b...Read full story
Man Utd Told 'Forget Lionel Messi - Eric Abidal Is Barcelona's Inspiration'
Spanish football pundit Juan Lamportou today advised Manchester United to forget all about winning the Champions League Final at Wembley on Saturday, insisting that United have no chance in the contest, because they are directing all their focus in t...Read full story
SEAL Team Six Prepares To "Tap" British Officials Responsible For Ban Of Dr. Michael Savage
Developing Story....American talk show host, Dr. Michael Savage, who has been fighting the ban placed on him by former British Home Secretary wacko, Jacqui Smith, announced today that he has asked friends in the Pentagon to authorize SEAL Team Six to...Read full story
Marmite Demonstrations Hit Am-Dram Hamlets throughout UK
Amateur theatre groups throughout the UK are facing huge losses following Denmark's decision to ban Marmite. Community centres and civic theatres up and down the country are currently advertising performances of Shakespeare's Hamlet but authoritie...Read full story
Mourinho offers Sir Alex his secret tactics after beating Barcelona in the Spanish Cup final, "kick the shit out of them!"
The build up to Saturday's epic Champions League Final is hottening up and every famous or infamous commentator is giving Sir Alex advice in how to stop Barcelona and especially Argentinian super-dribbler, Messi (he still dribbles because his mummy g...Read full story
Sex with Arnie left lover 'in hospital'
It would seem that Arnold Schwarzenegger's problems go from bad to worse, hot on the heels of his affair and subsequent love child by one of his maids comes startling news regarding his sexual demands and parental heritage. Enter one Gigi Goyette,...Read full story
Kim Kardashian's NBA Boyfriend Kris Humphries Slam Dunks Her With A Marriage Proposal And She Says "Yes! Yes! Oh Hell Yes!"
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries have been described by Ellen DeGeneres as one of the happiest celebrity couples since Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston first got together. Kim, who is one-third of the infamous Kardashian sisters, and whose most distinctive feature is her humongous ass, has been in a relationship with Kris Humphries, who is a power forward with the New Jersey Ne...Read full story
Another Celebrity Applies For Super Injunction
Hot on the heels of the Ryan Giggs Twitter/Super Injunction controversy, it has been reported in some circles that another British celebrity has applied for a Gagging Order. Its alleged that a high profile soap actress has made a formal request to...Read full story
Barcelona Accused Of Planking - Derided As A Bunch Of Plankers
A misleading sports writer today accused the Barcelona football team of regularly 'planking.' Planking is the latest stupid internet craze, which involves a whole lot of stupid people lying face down in bizarre locations, then posting the pictures...Read full story
NFL Beefs Up Security As Player's Union Pledges They'll Be Forced to Turn to Crime if They Don't Get Paid Soon!
The NFL Security Office pledged today to 'take seriously' a threat by the Football Players Union that their former members, who allegedly "disbanded" , may be forced to return to a life of crime if they don't get back on the payroll! The threat of...Read full story
OMG! Michelle finds used condom in Belgian Suite's royal four-poster!
London - It's been likened to a scene from UK TV's Hotel Inspector show where dubious boarding houses are condemned on Pubic Health & Safety fears. Today's news that America's First Lady found a used rubber in between the royal shits - er...sh...Read full story
Mark Twain vindicated as satellite finds vast UFO pyramid complex under Dome of the Rock
Jerusalem - The US author and humorist first hinted at the extraterrestrial silo's existence during his 1867 travels around the Middle East. Today the publication of aerial shots showing a 'massive subterranean matrix' under the 7th century AD Isl...Read full story
Buckingham Palace Honeymoon Suite Needed Bed Replacement for Obama's Visit
Adding just a touch of embarrassment to President Obama's visit to Buckingham Palace, the visiting Presidential couple was made to wait before retiring for the evening, while the bed frame was replaced in what had been the Honeymoon Suite for William...Read full story
GOP Scours Homeless Shelters Rehab Centers for 2012 Congressional Candidates!
The wire services are reporting this morning that the RNC, on behalf of the GOP, is starting a nationwide search for candidates in the 2012 congressional elections. This comes in the aftermath of the Democratic victory in up-state NY where a Republic...Read full story
Obama and Cameron Launch International Brotherhood Campaign
In a further attempt to bridge the gap between U.S. and U.K. cultures and their respective citizenry, Prime Minister David Cameron has announced the "Have a Bloke and a Smile" campaign. President Barack Obama has also picked a director of goodwill c...Read full story
Dimmest Bulb in the Box: Obama Presents Queen with Case of Compact Fluorescent Lightbulbs!
Following his flawed toast to the Queen of England following his nostalgic revisiting of his roots in Ireland, President O'bama continued his clueless knowledge of International Protocol by presenting Her Majesty with a gift wrapped case of CFL's f...Read full story
Don't be a water waster
Deodorant sales soar and soap sales plummet as many people cut down on washing their body to combat rising fuel costs. Bathing is now a definite no-no and occasional showering is the in thing. Exfoliation is a completely natural process that needs no assistance from either soap or water. Millions of cash strapped brits are turning to metered water supplies in an effort to cut their consumption...Read full story
Al Queda claim responsibility for Icelandic ash cloud
According to leading Al Queda members, news about the Icelandic ash cloud is nothing but "Western propaganda aimed as discrediting volcanoes in Iceland sympathetic to the recent loss of Al Queda leader Oscar Bin Liner." Speaking from the Al Queda...Read full story
Marmite War Threat
Danish sales of Marmite have nosedived due to the Government forbidding the import of Marmite as a 'harmful food'. But a growing body of opinion is suggesting that the volcanic eruptions in Iceland and the resultant ash clouds are the result of the D...Read full story
Abramovich wants 'ladies man' as next Chelsea manager
Chelski owner Roman Abramovich is demanding his new manager only signs philanderers. Chelsea came second this season after coming first last campaign. Monogamous 'family man' Butch Wilkins was initially blamed for this failure. But now th...Read full story
The Tragedy of Little Johnny Lamart
This is the sad and tragic story of little Johnny Lamart Who was thrown into a murtle pit for being a tad too smart By the grand officialdom of a South Bumbledom Bloatus Who warranted his arrest with a thousand page notice. The notice was laid out in fine beadledom jargon And printed up special by a swindler named Marvin On strips of flypaper that stretched from the nose to the chin, with...Read full story
Dancing With The Stars: Hines Ward of The Pittsburgh Steelers Scores A Touchdown and Wins The Mirror Ball Trophy
HOLLYWOOD - Well Hines Ward, a wide receiver for The Pittsburgh Steelers, may not have won this year's Super Bowl, but he did win first place to take the coveted Dancing With The Stars Mirror Ball Trophy. Ward, who had never in his life danced bef...Read full story
Wenger issues warning to Premiership rivals with massive war chest
Word on the street from north London is that Arsenal are poised to spend big this summer after a poor finish in the title race. Rumours have escalated from within the club that due to the takeover by American sports tycoon Stan Kroneke Arsene Weng...Read full story
"Planking" for Peace
Seattle, Washington - In an effort to draw attention to their cause for peace "Plankers" have planned what they are calling "Planking Across America". In this event they hope to form one continuous human plank chain over mountains, buildings and wat...Read full story
Soldier Had Teddy Bear Key Fob Hanging From Knapsack
There was some stifled laughter from a passenger on a Bangkok bus this morning, when it was noted that a fellow passenger, a soldier who was laden down with a heavy knapsack, had attached a rather childish-looking furry Teddy Bear key fob to his bag.Read full story
Old Woman At Bus Stop Was Wearing England 1966 World Cup-winning Shirt
There was a surprise for a passenger on a bus in the Thai capital of Bangkok this morning when, as his bus came to a halt to pick up more passengers, he noticed an old woman sitting at the stop wearing a pink flowery long skirt and flip-flops complem...Read full story