Secret Service unveils new, secret, weapon

Funny story written by Daniel Wolf

Friday, 20 May 2011

In the days following the attempt on Congresswoman Gabby Giffords life, and threats made against other politicians, the U.S. Secret Service has decided on a new tact, in dealing with dangerous situations.

Although Secret Service director, Mr. Harry Sharpshooter wants to assure Americans that the Secret Service is comprised orf professional sharpshooters, he does add that there are situations, such as the Arizona, public, shooting, of the congress-woman, and several others, who gave the Obama administration pause for thought, and reflection.

It has, now, been decided to have DOMESTIC Secret Service agents trade on high-powered pistols, with armour-piercing rounds, in return for:

high-powered pistols, loaded with 20, to 50, rounds of tranquilizer darts.

According to Director Sharpshooter, this will make the Secret Service jobg easier, especially in crowded, public, places, such as the shopping center, where Congress-woman Giffords was shot down.

The goal, according to Director Sharpshooter, is to allow agents to be able to fire into panicked crowds, WITHOUT fatalities. The goal is to clear the "field of fire", with as little blood as possible.

According to dart manufacturer ACME Pharmaceuticals, the darts will have the following impact, on those who are shot.

Based upon body weight, thin, slender, and athletic, persons would be asleep, for about 3 hours.

Obese people would, probably, be "out", for about 1 hour, to 90 minutes, max.

Director Sharpshooter is, also, hopeful that, with these new weapons, agents will be able to subdue suspects, more easily, since a suspect, like the Tucson shooter, could be hit, multiple times, then taken into custody.

Of course, ACME Pharmaceuticals DOES caution the public that SOME persons MIGHT die, if shot, with the darts, however, this incidence should happen no more often than medications reactions.

Special note to those who think that a bullet-proof vest will protect from the darts. ACME is making the "penetrator" part, of each dart, capable of penetrating any armour.

Director Sharpshooter is optimistic that this new weapon will, significantly, REDUCE the number, of public "incidents", when suspects realize that they WILL survive, to face trial. The director is, also, hopeful that families, hospitals, and communities, will endorse this new weapon since victims will not need bandages, or stitches, after an incident.

Instead of drenched in blood, I.C.U.'s might find their beds full of sleeping persons, waiting to recover consciousness.

Even the White House is saying that this could be a win-win, for the nation.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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