Future News: Transnationals Rewrite Constitution
(Published 2030) - WASHINGTON, D.C. - The entire Senate voted in favour of reamending the constitution. The constitution, only altered a few times since its inception during the Pre-Buy times, will face an entire overhaul, with the First and Secon...
Read full storyOrange Alert: There's a Boehner in the House
Washington, D.C. - Capitol Hill correspondent Amethyst Ryder spoke with U.S. Representative John Boehner (R-OH) on Thursday as he settled into his new role as Speaker of the House. "There are going to be some changes around here," Boehner said as...
Read full storyBagpipe Farmers in Scotland feel the Squeeze
The present recession in the UK and bad weather have seriously affected the bagpipe farmers of Scotland. Angus MacStonedeef, head of the Scottish Bagpipe Farmers Association, with the help of a sign-language expert, explained to our reporter that...
Read full storySheila Vogel, octoganarian hooker grandma of Katie Waissel - seeking PR expert
Sheila Vogel (82), grandmother of some contestant named Katie Waissel, who appeared on the X factor, is complaining that her grandaughter's appearance and subsequent publicity has ruined her business. Sheila has, allegedly, appeared in numerous gi...
Read full storyCheating Prez candidate John Edwards proposes to mistress - tells kids they will all now be one, big happy family
And to think he could almost have become POTUS [President of the United States]. According to information gleaned from a 'highly-respectable' (sic) news source, former Presidential candidate and world's number one dirty rat fink John Edwards has app...
Read full storySuspect pies sold at East End Barber shop
Environmental food officers raided an East End Barber shop today after members of the public voiced concerns about the taste of meat pies being sold at the premises. The shop, "Gawd Blimey Todds" in the Bethnal Green road, has been selling hot mea...
Read full storyWTF**K: Mark Twain Should Have Used **tericks With N*gg*r And Inj*n
Galloping political correctness has deemed that Mark Twain's classic novel, Huckleberry Finn, contains inappropriate words describing African Americans and American Indians. Although this book has been read by millions of school children and is on the shelves of most libraries, today Mark Twain is being scorned for allowing his characters to use the dialects and words common in his day. Th...
Read full storyOut of Control!
Police warned today that the Liberal Democrats are 'out of control'. The main problem is that the Party have gone underground, searching for their grass roots supporters. Nick Clegg put a brave face on the embarrassing episode: 'We didn't win the...
Read full storyObama Offers Press Secretary Job to 'Man with Golden Voice'
Ted Williams, a homeless man in Columbus, Ohio was "found" by a videographer who paid Williams a dollar to speak into the camera so he could videotape him imitating sports announcers. The video went vital and Williams has now found himself the center...
Read full storyGlasgow Pantomime breaches Geneva Convention
Theatre audiences in Glasgow are infamous for giving performers a hard time. Glaswegians are hard to please and when not pleased, they will let you know all about it. Glaswegians, then, are stunned that even their extremely high standards have fal...
Read full storyTourettes Monthly
Hello! And welcome to our second great issue! News: Some of our larger members have begun a diet'A'thon for charity, lets hope the lazy fat bastards make some fukin money! greedy Cuuuunnnnntttssss!!!!! A new law, protecting Sufferers from arrest should they have a FUUUUUKKKIIINNNN!!! episode in the high street, has been passed by those Waaannkkeerrs!!! In parliment. This means, us bun...
Read full storyRooster With World's Biggest Pecker Given 72 Hens
Farmer Milo Plowshare of Loose Bowels, Kentucky has won an award for having a rooster, "Big Red" which has the biggest pecker in the world. "Big Red can't hardly walk around his pecker is so huge" Plowshare told our reporter, Rube Goldberg. "You w...
Read full storySewer Workers Gazette
Hello! And welcome to this months edition of our magazine. NEWS. Harry Footslip has finally revealed how he knows which shit belongs to his wife; "My sandwiches are tied to it" Malcom Menial from the Scottish sewer workers confederation has been awarded shit shoveller of the year. Parveet Singh from the Southall sewer section has won the "Name The Izal Toilet Paper" competition. Whe...
Read full storyLost world of underground toilets
In the lost world of underground toilets many have gone few remain. In one part of London one has been tuned into a Crepeiere where one can eat crepes to there hearts content. Another is a Pie Shop which sells original East End meat pies this is situated under a Aboitoire. Perhaps a more original use for a pissoire is a underground Brothel the stalls have been furnished out with bonkettes...
Read full storyAnd it's 'Goodbye & Good Riddance!' as Aishwarya Rai booted off L'Oreal ads to make way for Slumdog beauty Pinto
Mumbai - (Botox Biz): Stunning green-eyed Bollywood goddess Aishwarya Rai is no longer the face of the international cosmetics giant. She has been demoted by sultry Slumdog Millionaire star Freida Pinto following a furor about Rai's skin lightenin...
Read full storyThousands of turtle doves drop dead from the sky in Italy in latest bizarre mass animal deaths
Scientist looking into the recent bizarre phenomenon of deads birds and fishes being found in their thousands believe they may be close to solving the mystery. Some scientists do believe that religious zealots are gathering up live animals and fis...
Read full storyMary Poppins' Colonic Irrigation Clinic
Many people have wondered what happened to Mary Poppins at the end of her eponymous film. Well, wonder no longer, because TheSpoof has tracked her down and interviewed her exclusively. Ms Poppins, now aged 63, is living in India and runs a detox centre for whoever can afford the very steep fees. She offers everything from colonic irrigation to cups of tea to flush out the toxins, but always wit...
Read full storyMy English Lit Teacher And Other Literary Observations
When I sat English Lit at O Level, there were three books we had to study. There was a novel, a Shakespeare play, and a book of poetry. The novel was Far From The Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy. The Shakespeare play was Richard III The book of poetry was the biggest load of old bollocks ever committed to print. I was never an ideal pupil - too much of a tearaway, dismissive of things wh...
Read full storyJedwards to be rejoined in 12 hour operation
A spokesperson for the world famous Jedward twins has told us that they will be undergoing the first ever conjoint twin re-attachment operation early next week in London's Mint Imperial University Hospital. The twins were originally conjoint but...
Read full storyBird suicide packs on the rise!
Birds have been attempting suicide for years if not centuries, but have had difficulties due to their ability to fly. They jumped off the highest cliffs, only to end up flying. They followed humans off of buildings only to get a birds eye view of the human bouncing off the pavement. "I felt so depressed," stated Robin who was one ugly f-ing bird. "I would jump at the same time as the human but...
Read full storyPutin in secret conjugal visit to trollop
Turginovo, Russia - (Festive Ass Mess): Flanked at a traditional Russian Orthodox midnight mass in Turginovo by the usual entourage of wholesome-looking, corpulent ex-shot put champion babushkas Vladimir Putin looked humble and Pius (sic) XII. Spo...
Read full storyImprisoned organ donors in the US to get parole
Prisoners willing to donate their organs to others in need are being offered parole in many prisons across the US. Prison parole boards are being inundated with requests from prisoners willing to donate anything in an attempt to get released early...
Read full storyWhy Stop at Spaying and Neutering Only Mark Twain?
They're changing Mark Twain's words in order to be more politically correct. That makes complete sense. But we need to continue this literary purge. No reason, not to tackle Hemingway, Medville, and Dickens. They're all fair game if we want our progeny to develop in a Christian, God-fearing manner. So, let's fix the other classics that surely offend certain populations. Here are some example...
Read full storyTwo Fat Hideous Welsh Putas Caned By Courts For Abusing Oldies
Cardiff Magistrates Courts today heard how two clinically obese mingers 'with faces that would turn the milk sour' thought it might be a bit of a laugh to scare the living daylights out of their elderly female patients by waving a 'green goblin' glov...
Read full storySmart phone passes the Turing Test
A Nokia N97 has become the first computerised device to pass the Turing test. The Turing test pits a computer against a human in conversation with a human adjudicator, and the human adjudicator has to determine which the computer is, and which the...
Read full storyLiverpool fans claim Hodgson 'Best thing since the square wheel'
Thousands of Liverpool fans have spoken up for their beleaguered manager in the face of his likely sacking. One fan said; 'Roy has done his best over the short period he's been here and I think he deserves more time, after all it's not like were j...
Read full storyGerman Eggs Dioxin scandal vegan take-over planned
In an astonishing development after our initial breaking of the news yesterday concerning the toxic Dioxin laden eggs in Germany, a further 3000 farms are now closed and more implications for human health have been outlined. Herr Loss of the the S...
Read full storyFifa moving date of 2022 World Cup, 'Phew' says ginger people
Sepp Blatter has finally listened to the thousands of requests made by ginger freckled people the world over and changed the date of the 2022 World Cup. Qatar can be 50 degrees Celsius in the shade and that's far too hot for most of us let alone t...
Read full storyDelicious Wild Bacon Overrun Texas, Florida Towns
Living In Texas and the Florida Panhandle is difficult enough, what with all the heat and Mexicans, but people in these Deliverance-like rural towns have something else to bitch about: Feral hogs. Elisha Cuthbert? Yeah, she got totally fat! Nam...
Read full storyNew Drug Only Gives Side Effects!
Eli Willy, a major drug and pharmaceutical manufacturer has announced a revolutionary new drug that only causes side effects. Marketed under the slogan, "If you think yesterday was bad," the drug will be on the market in the near future and will only...
Read full storyBritain's fattest man eats his way out of house and home
Mark Paulson, 50, is officially the fastest man in Britain topping the scales at some 70 stone and now it appears he's putting on weight, again. Paulson, who recently appeared in a TV documentary, has apparently started to eat his own furniture an...
Read full storyWildlife suicide pandemic is nature's protest at royal wedding
London - (Fawning Fauna Furor): Illuminati mind control experiment technology may be to blame for the tide of animal kingdom protest suicides. This week's global pandemic of bird, fish and crab fatalities is being linked to an electronic sublimina...
Read full storySuBo fanatics get frozen!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies have today announced that they are launching a cryonics facility for their fanatics. The new 'Fanatical Loonies Ultimate Freezing Facility' (FLUFF) is now open for business, and is expected to be able t...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart to live on the island?
Hollywood megastars, Rob Pattinson and Kirsten Stewart are looking to set up home together on the Isle of Wight. Reports from Sandown Estate Agents owner Juliette Horby indicate that they are looking at Whitecliff Bay. "The couple were in our S...
Read full story63 Year Olds Redundancy Sufferers Ode
When the rumours first start, the idea of redundancy is an aggravation, Once confirmed, those chosen begin to suffer workplace social segregation, Slowly unavoidably affected by low esteem and cruel self-depreciation, A half hearted look at the job situation brings great perturbation, When you increase your efforts, and try to avoid reprobation, To the job searching you give your be...
Read full storyToms River Man Celebrates Passing Field Sobriety Test By Shooting Himself In the Head
A 53-year-old motorist who used a utility pole to stop his car celebrated passing his field sobriety test by shooting himself in the head, said Toms River, NJ police. "Our officer was patrolling his usual route, trolling for drunk a--holes driving...
Read full storyLondon 2012 Olympics sponsoring update
Details of some aspects of the sponsorship opportunities at the London 2012 Olympics main stadium were leaked yesterday. According to reports, all the 90,000 seats are now linked into an electrical grid and can be activated individually. Sponso...
Read full storyUK Politicians Ode
They just tell untruths, they cannot legally lie, To keep or get into power, with anyone they'll ally, They shop at Harrod's, not at the local 'Bring & Buy', They seem to set the rules, that they do not apply, Their expense claims are fiddled, and go awry, The laws of ethics and morality they manage to defy, Being honest and trustworthy, also passed them by, Their own salaries, they gra...
Read full storyHijacker "La Pelirroja" Found Resting On Footbridge In Mexico. With a Rope Around Her Neck. Not Breathing.
Gabriela Elizabeth Tamez Muniz, The Redhead Mas Fea, alleged leader of a Mexican hijackers ring was found resting, with very cold skin, on a pedestrian bridge at Gonzalitos Avenue, opposite Mithras Norte in Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, and was alive (a lit...
Read full storyAlice Roberts Nude TV Role Offer
Fans of top TV science totty, Alice Roberts, are holding their breath as their dream of seeing her au naturel appears to have a chance of being realised. As we reported, ooh, ages ago (it was August 26 - ed) the Coast presenter's admirers were dis...
Read full storyAlliance vs Labour Five-a-side Match
An indoor Five-a-side soccer match between the 'Lib-Dems Conservative Disunited' (LDCD) and the 'Dilapidated Opposition Pretend Electioneers Shambles' (Dopes). It is to take place in George Osborne's airing cupboard on a date to be announced follo...
Read full storyApple to release new Iris scanning app for iPhone4
In Brussels today Apple Inc (APPL:NYSE) announced the release of the new retinal and iris scanning application for the iPhone4. "Users had always wondered why the iPhone 4 came with 2 camera's and now we can reveal why" said Arthur Ramsbottom at...
Read full storyKathy Griffin Fires Back At Jennifer Aniston Calling Her An Unmarriageable Symbolic "Salt Shaker"
WEST HOLLYWOOD - The star of My Life On The D List was in West Hollywood visiting two of her biggest gay friends, Sylvester Vextrolley and Toby Tizzymeister. The two 'flamboyant's' together own Syl's & Tizzy's Hacienda of Hair and Hmmmm Salon.
Read full storyA Popular West Coast Publication Is Reporting That Oprah Winfrey Is Considering A Sex-Change So That She Can Marry Gayle King
LOS ANGELES - News filtering out of the Left Coast and more specifically the noted newspaper to the stars, The Tinsel Town Times Tribune has revealed that talk show queen and billionairess Oprah Winfrey is giving serious consideration to going in and...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan To Star In "The Wizard of Oz 5 - Dorothy Gets Her Corn Shuck Patted Down"
HOLLYWOOD - Lindsay Lohan hadn't been out of The Henry and Betty Ford Rehab Clinic for more than two hours when she was approached by a noted Hollywood producer to star in the Lions Face Motion Picture Company film The Wizard of Oz 5 - Dorothy Gets H...
Read full storyAsians May Not Be Intelligent After All
Asians are once again embarrassing Richard Lynn with their latest brain fart. In the late 1970s, Lynn wrote that Asians had the highest IQ in the human race, but just recently more than 200 Asian children were found with elevated levels of lead in th...
Read full storyLure of Missile Defence Contract Prompts Starbucks To Remove "Coffee" From Logo
Starbucks, the world's largest coffee maker has dropped its name and the word "coffee" from its ubiquitous cups. This seemingly suicidal move is allegedly only one in a long line of moves that are being made to enable the coffee maker to "move up the...
Read full storyJustin Bieber's hairdo is actually a wig made out of his own hair
Teen heart-throb - he of the full head of hair has been uncovered. Turns out that the great big pudding bowl of hair on his head is - horrors - actually a wig! And better yet, it's made out of his own hair! Seems Justin started losing his hair w...
Read full storyDirty Harry Potter Photo Disappoints Fans
Internet surfers looking for interesting photos of their favorite celebrities are crying foul today over a photo entitled "Dirty Harry Potter," saying that the title is deceiving. Potters fans were expecting to see dirty photos of Daniel Radcliff...
Read full storyHull City Reject Appointed Preston North End Boss
Preston North End have appointed a Hull City reject as their new manager on an 18-month contract. The 51-year-old former Derby and Hull reject succeeds Darren Ferguson, who was sacked along with his assistant Kevin Russell at the end of December.
Read full storyVeteran Sportscaster Loses Employment and Home to Unemployed Homeless Man
The career of Dick Larsden, voice of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, suffered an unexpected "rainout" Thursday afternoon when he arrived at the WTBD studios to record promos for the upcoming season. "I should have suspected something when I pulled int...
Read full storyArmy Replaces 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' with 'Don't Pray? Don't Tell'
After receiving the responses to a survey known as the Global Assessment Tool back from scores of soldiers who admit they are atheists, the Army has deemed them spiritually unfit, and is requiring the heathen soldiers to take remedial training to hel...
Read full storyPhil The Greek Restores Noble Right Of Prima Nocta
In what is likely to be seen as a highly controversial move, HRH Prince Philip has taken it upon himself to restore the ancient noble's right of Prima Nocta. This is the right which allows a senior royal to have sexual rights to the wife of a newly m...
Read full storyThe Artist Formerly Known as Prince To Decide Zsa Zsa Gabor's Fate
A decision has to be made for 93-year-old celebrity-for-celebrity's-sake Zsa Zsa Gabor that will determine if she lives or dies, and that responsibility falls upon her husband, 52-year-old singer Prince.CORRECTION(S). - Zsa Zsa is actually married...
Read full storyJohn Boehner Opens Up
Washington, D.C. - House Speaker John Boehner wants everyone to know he's a regular guy. The Ohio Congressman enjoys movies and football. He loves his wife and dabbles in stamps. "I love postage," said Boehner. "Is there any better pairing than...
Read full storySpoof Writers set to form Union
The majority of Spoof Writers are wanting to form a Union. The major issue concerning these Spoof Writers is the appalling conditions in which they work. A large number of writers work in dank, dark basements, tapping away at their keyboards by candlelight. They have no running water and feel isolated from the real world speaking online only to fellow spoofers. Others have to use their l...
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