Written by ESB

Friday, 7 January 2011

image for John Boehner Opens Up
Boehner Plans to Crush Health Care Reform between His Rock Hard Abs

Washington, D.C. - House Speaker John Boehner wants everyone to know he's a regular guy. The Ohio Congressman enjoys movies and football. He loves his wife and dabbles in stamps.

"I love postage," said Boehner. "Is there any better pairing than a wet stamp and a dry envelope?"

Boehner has faced scrutiny over his tendency to cry. He chalks it up to the onions he carries around in his pockets.

"Onions are tasty. I like to keep about a dozen in each pocket - just in case I get hungry while I'm working tirelessly for the American people."

Boehner also has an easy explanation for his unnatural skin color.

"What I like do is dump a bunch of Cheetos on my face. Then I pulverize them into a fine paste, which I rub into my skin. I find it opens the pores."

Boehner says he has to be careful about how many times he applies the Cheeto treatment. He says potheads follow him around and try to eat his face.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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