Local Man's Cock Had Problems With His Balls
Just in - Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, who recently with no small degree of hypocrisy, vowed not to enter his own peculiar brand of satirical nonsense on unwary internet surfers in protest at the amount of celebrity smut bollocks currently being pe...
Read full storyMancini Warns Of Kiev Threat
Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has issued a severe warning to all his players on the dangers of eating chicken kiev before a big match. The former Inter Milan boss is concerned that some players might not be able to properly digest the po...
Read full storyLabour Issue New Guidelines
The Labour party has issued harsh new guidelines to shadow ministers in an attempt to ramp up pressure on the Coalition Government. Any minister with a policy idea will have to complete a form and wait for leader Ed Milliband and Shadow Chancellor...
Read full storyShylock Humes And The Case Of The Purloined Budgerigar, Part Six
My friend Mr Shylock Humes was in determined mood, now that he could see his way forward. He was always more determined when he could see his way forward than when he could only see backwards. "There is no time to be lost", he cried. "The game's afoot. To the Drawling Room once more!" "Why did you repeat yourself Humes?" I asked, somewhat perplexed. "You said that at the end of Part Five."...
Read full storyMan Utd's Nani To Star In Remake Of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' Video
It isn't all that often that the worlds of football and show business collide (with the possible exception of Dwight Yorke and Jordan, or David and Victoria Beckham) but it would seem that the two opposing ends of the entertainment spectrum are all s...
Read full storyJohn Galliano - fashion designer for Dior - designed for Lady Diana - now considered to be 'an equal' by his many fans.
John Galliano, a 50 year old fashion designer from Dior, has been suspended. He allegedly made anti-Sematic remarks towards a couple at a Paris cafe, in front of numerous witnesses. John was born in Gibraltar, he grew up in London and launched his own label ... He is the favourite designer of dozens of top starlets, because they love his 'feminine' side (he's gay). He also designed clothing...
Read full storySomali Pirates Holding Wisconsin Democrats for Ransom
It has been revealed that the Democrats in the Wisconsin Senate who have ostensibly been in hiding to stall the collective bargaining vote are actually captives of Somali pirates. According to anonymous sources, the fourteen pro-union Senators were...
Read full storyLast Man On The Moon Reveals Why No One Has Returned There!
A strange new homemade film has surfaced made by former astronaut, Eugene Cernan, that reveals the real reason we did not go back to the moon and why the Russians have never really tried to send a man there. The film, said to have been made by Cer...
Read full storySliced Bread Best Thing Since Unsliced Bread
It isn't often scientists come out with a statement that astounds the World but today in Luxembourg at the 'Annual Astounding Things We Have In Life Awards' it was acknowledged that sliced bread is the best invention since unsliced. Food specialis...
Read full storyJustin Bieber: Mom Caught Me in the Bathroom, You-Know
Justin Bieber was hoping to tweet a message to a few friends but somehow the embarrassing episode has gotten out and now he's afraid that the late night jokes will be all over the television during the next week...or month. Bieber stated on the tw...
Read full storyJordan goes bonkers
Glamour model Katie Price, aka Jordan has opened her big mouth once again. The deluded one has revealed that she believes ex-husband Peter Andre is still in love with her or in chav speak he's still "f****g in love with me". Not only this the c...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Is New Eliza Doolittle
Chezza is going to have special elocution lessons before her debut on the American X-Factor. Worried TV executives are unsure about Cheryl's suitability for the job and are worried that the Americans won't understand what the Geordie Lass is saying.
Read full storyHorny African elephant attempts to have sex with a VW, but his penis didn't fit in the exhaust!
Safari tourists experienced a terrifying incident in Pilanesberg game reserve, South Africa as a horny bull elephant full of balls attempted to copulate with a VW passat. The passengers realised there was something wrong when Amarula, the bull ele...
Read full storyGlenn Beck Converting to Judaism to Atone for Offhanded Muslim Comment
Glenn Beck has long been known to treat any issue he tackles with much drama and even more disregard for the facts. However, this week, when he compared Reform Judaism to radicalized Islam, he claims he knew he was wrong before he laid one piece of c...
Read full storyBanker Returns £2 Million Bonus
Top Banker Arnold Ponsonby has returned his £2 million pound bonus because he is sure it must be a mistake. 'I do not deserve this payment' he told reporters outside his terraced house in Mayfair 'with the economy shrinking by 0.6% I feel I must p...
Read full storyGovernor Scott Walker Of Wisconsin To Step Down
Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin has announced that for the good of the state, he is stepping down to spend more time with his family. The nation's attorney general (there's one?) may also be about to make an announcement. He is investigating whether to pursue criminal charges against the Governor on conspiracy with other Republican governors to destroy the rights of public employee. Evid...
Read full storyIndonesia Mud Volcano Is Nature's Answer To Global Warming
A scientist in Asia has said that the world's largest mud volcano, which is likely to continue erupting for another 26 years, is Nature's own answer to the problem of loss of lands eroded by the effects of Global Warming. The volcano first erupted...
Read full storyRumsfeld Memoir: "We Planned to Invade the UK!"
It came as a shock to the media and the rest of the world. Shortly after George W. Bush was elected president in 2000 there were plans made to invade and occupy the UK! Rumsfeld, the newly appointed Secretary of Defense recounts his meeting with Bush a day after the inauguration. "He called me into the Oval Office and said, "Rummy, we gotta go to war!" "OK Mr. President," said Rumsfeld, "Who...
Read full storyTwo more cards to be carried by refs next year
Soccer's President Sepp Blatter has announced that starting from next year referees will be issued with additional cards to the current yellows and reds. Two additional cards, a green and a white, will be needed because of the new 'sin-bin' rule...
Read full storyBeware Of Armed Men Wearing Boiler Suits And Balaclavas - Police Warn
The police today warned members of the public to be a bit wary should they encounter armed men wearing boiler suits and balaclavas. A police statement alleged that armed men thus attired were highly unlikely to be popping up the shops for a daily pap...
Read full storyNancy Pelosi Adds More Praise to Dems Resolution Passed for Her Accomplishments
Former Speaker of the House and now Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, has added several more praises to the Honor Resolution proposed to honor her by the Democrat Party. "It just needed a bit of sprucing up", she told MSNBC's swooning lady doing her...
Read full storyColonel Gaddafi declares war on Dire Straits rock group
In an unexpected move by Colonel Gaddafi, his office today declared war on the popular, if slightly disbanded popular rock group Dire Straits. Wearing a fetching tent and matching Gatling gun, the Colonel spent over an hour on the phone with the F...
Read full storySkipping (Not In A Gay Way) Is Good For You!
A leading sports physiotherapist has announced that skipping is good for you. Skipping can take two forms, jumping about whilst twirling a rope, or skipping along at a fast clip somewhere between a fast walk and a run. The physio, John Major-Gener...
Read full storySir Alex's Pen Is Missing
There was consternation at Manchester United's Carrington training facility this morning as Sir Alex Ferguson reportedly reported that his favourite pen is missing. An insider told us that Sir Alex is deeply upset that the custom made solid gold W...
Read full storySun/Mercury conjunction, Stuxnet and Gaddafis all blamed for London Stock Exchange glitch
London - Billions of dollars' trade were lost this morning as a crippling Sun/Mercury conjunction at six degrees Pisces brought chaos to the LSE floor. The water sign conjunction has always been a bit of a Bermuda Triangle - especially when accomp...
Read full storyGay Men Detest Pink Socks
A gay man almost lost his temper this morning on Channel Six breakfast TV show 'Bacon And Eggs With Pauline McGlynn' when the Irish star of Father Ted asked him if he ever wears pink socks. Algernon Farquarse almost exploded as the former Mrs Doyl...
Read full storyRoyal wedding dress designer John Galliano arrested in French frock horror
Left Bank - The Streatham rag trader says it's a stitch-up as fashionistas reacted with dismay at John Galliano's arrest. Years of peddling hideously overpriced tat modelled by anorexic heroin junkies have taken their toll on the style police.
Read full storyWhy Has Gaddafi Requested Seventy-Six Skips?
More sinister developments reported from Libya. A source in Tripoli has revealed that under-siege dictator Muammar Gaddafi has ordered seventy six supersized skips from Elephant's Trunk Skip Hire of Enfield, Middlesex. Further investigations pr...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson, Lautner Taylor, Adam Lambert Selling Jockey Shorts for Charity on E-Bay
Twilight star Robert Pattinson has joined several currently popular actors in selling his old jockey shorts on eBay to raise funds for charity. "Why not?", asked Pattinson. "It's for a good cause and I need new ones anyway." Lautner Taylor was...
Read full storyDonald Rumsfeld Admits Shatting On Floors In New Book
Former Secretary of State, Donald Rumsfeld has confessed to shatting on the floors of certain places all over the United States in his new book, "Known and Unknown: A Memoir". "I've been doing it for the past 20-25 years", stated the "tough" man o...
Read full storyTony Romo to Leave the Dallas Cowboys?
Tony Romo, whom the Dallas Cowboys thought would lead them into two or three Super Bowls, may be leaving as Dallas may look for a top draft choice or trade for that position. "I know he's popular here", stated our source, "but Romo has never deliv...
Read full storyOld Trafford Skip Mystery Deepens
The city of Manchester rumour mill clicked into overdrive today after it was revealed that an empty skip has been discovered behind the Stretford End of Manchester United's famous Old Trafford stadium. Curious journalists bombarded the club's swit...
Read full storyCurry Night At Lord's Turns Into Ordeal Of Terror
What began as a congenial night out with her husband and friends turned into a night of terror for a West London woman yesterday. Mrs Pandora Longleg, of Notting Hill, was attending a curry evening in the Members' Pavilion at Lord's, the cricket H...
Read full storyMan on the Street: Col Gaddafi Not Stepping Down
As the crisis in Libya gets worse, the few media outlets in the western part and Loyalist-controlled part of Libya have reported that Gaddafi will not step down, admist riots, extreme violence and hundreds dead in both sides of the country. Inhopeless Media Group went onto the streets. What do you think? Samir Khan, 32, CAIRO (Government worker) - "They can move here! We have enough freedom...
Read full storyShuttle Discovery Sets Off On Last Voyage - Just
NASA's Space Shuttle Discovery has taken off on its last voyage from the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. As usual, huge crowds had gathered on all the approach roads leading to the Nasa facility and on the beaches along Florida's Space Coast.
Read full storyRod Stewart compared to old woman in shoe
As a pensioner, Rod Stewart has recently become increasingly confused over both the number of ex-wives and the number of children he has, more so now that another Stewart is on the way. His eldest daughter, who might not necessarily be his eldest,...
Read full storyKristen Stewart's Panties On eBay
Panties purporting to be Kristen Stewart's are fetching prices of more $3,000 on eBay. But insiders say the unwary buyers are being conned. Just last week, an unknown buyer coughed up $3,250 for a pair of "Slightly soiled, worn once, open-crotc...
Read full storyCuban Missile Crisis: It Was About Socks, Papers Reveal
Paperes released this week reveal that one of the most dramatic moments of the Cold War was about socks. Since 1962, when US President John F Kennedy faced down Soviet chief Nikiti Kruschev, the world has believed that the issue was about the cons...
Read full storyUS House covets dental gold
Washington DC - A confidential source, code-named Praline, on a key committee of the US House has revealed that not only will Social Security be cut to the quick, but Baby Boomers will be targeted in a new way. As gold is expected to reach $2,000...
Read full storyPrince William denies Anglesy stronghold rumours
Rumours are circulating out of the North Wales Island of Anglesy (Yr Mon) that Prince William is gathering a band of loyal subjects to march on London to take the throne. An unnamed person close to the Prince said "What looked like an innocent nam...
Read full storyJennifer Lopez Apologizes For Her American Idol Meltdown - Says She Was Just PMSing
HOLLYWOOD - American Idol Judge Jennifer Lopez has apologized to the producers of American Idol, it's sponsors, her AI fellow judges, host Ryan Seacrest, and the 30 million viewers who saw her 'meltdown' on the number one reality show in America.
Read full storyRicky Martin, Lance Bass, Clay Aiken, and Adam Lambert To Star In A Movie About Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young
LOS ANGELES - The legendary music icons of the late 60s and 70s, Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young have all agreed to serve as consultants on a movie about them entitled The True Story of Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young - Four Macho Dudes In An Eff...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Will Take Justin Bieber Out On A Date For His 17th Birthday On March 1, 2011
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Kim Kardashian star of Growing Up Kardashian has reportedly called up Justin Bieber and told him that she will be taking him out on a date for his 17th birthday this coming Tuesday. Kardashian who has dated some pretty high profi...
Read full storyAdam Lambert's Hit Single, "Kristen Stewart's Left Nipple" Busts Into The #1 Spot On The Top 40 Music Chart
HOLLYWOOD - The runner up on the eighth season of American Idol Adam Lambert has had a fairly successful singing career. The singer known as Glambert has had big selling hits with his songs "For Your Undivided Entertainment," "Whataya Effen Want F...
Read full storyOne Show Shuts Down National Grid
The BBC's One Show has been blamed for the complete breakdown of the National Grid last Thursday. The flagship programme, which airs between 7pm and 7.30 pm every Monday to Friday inclusive, is hosted by Matt Baker and Alex Jones. It has been on a...
Read full storyBorn to Spoof: The Prequel Sequel: Chapter 1 Ghadaffi's Place
It was dark and stormy night. I shuffled into the Spoof Bar and Grill, depressed beyond belief. I was scheduled by Mark for a junket to Libya, Tunisia, Egypt, Bahrain, Yemen and then Iran, in that order. Each of course depended upon successfully getting a story without being killed before moving on. Skoob filled my mug without waiting for me to sit on a bar stool. I sat, picked up the frothy mu...
Read full storyNASA Astronaut: "Hey Obama: Call Me When You Want Your Shuttle Back!"
Protests have sprung up all over the world to voice opposition to everything from human rights violations to public union's ability to collectively bargain. The protests for all intents and purposes have been a success: Power grabs by dictators in Eg...
Read full storyLarry King: John Ver Klempt's Latest Novel of Islamo-Mormon Intrigue "Ripped from the Headlines; Promises to be a Blockbuster"
In the February 24th episode of Larry King Live, program, King interviewed John Ver Klempt, best selling crime novelist, about his latest book, Glenda's Way. It tells the story of Jack Freddy, leader of a shadowy, polygamous splinter sect, who has a secret plan to back the mainstream Mormon church into a battle against radical Islamists. As part of this plan, Freddy recruits one of his w...
Read full storyLady Gaga cross-breeds chicken with peacock to form human-life sized egg
Backstage at Lady Gaga's interview with Jay Leno on Valentine's Day there was some undiscovered footage of their conversation behind the scenes. Although he had questioned her publicly about her outfits and get-up at the Grammy's one day prior to the...
Read full storyJustin Beiber, sheer poetry
Justin Beiber went to Barber In a shower of pain Said to Barber "I can't see So cut my fringe again." Barber did what he was told Then watched while Justin cried. "You took too much off my great locks Now I will have to hide." So Justin hid for about a month Until his locks grew long. His fans had all forgotten him And had all moved along. He couldn't handle this new 'state' And...
Read full storyGadhafi is on the White House Naughty List
Washington - Amid accusations that President Obama is not doing enough to support the democratic revolution in Libya, the President announced that Moammar Gadhafi's name is to be taken off the official White House Christmas card list. "I wish to send...
Read full storyDimitar Berbatov To Stop Wearing White Chav Socks
Manchester United's Bulgarian £30 million signing from Tottenham, Dimitar Berbatov, has reportedly told friends that his white sock wearing days are over. According to sources, certain malevolent elements at White Hart Lane had told Berbatov that...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News: Newby villagers are boycotting News programmes on TV and radio
Villagers of Newby, Isle of Wight, have decided, en masse, to boycott all t.v. and radio news broadcasts. When asked why, Mayor Arthur Askme (yes - he's is STILL mayor) said, "We residents of Newby, Isle of Wight, are so depressed over everythi...
Read full storyCobblers To Socks! Shoemaker Outraged!
A Kendal based cobbler has expressed his extreme dissatisfaction at the way the internet - and particularly satirical websites - appear to be focusing disproportionately on socks. Siegfried Bassoon, of BassoonShoesIncLtd PLC.com.co.UK/nigeria.con...
Read full storyOrange Computer Introduces the O-Phone
Las Vegas NV: Multi Tasking, Orange Computer's CEO, made an announcement today at the Western Electronics Show about his start-up company's first product called the O-Phone. The hand held O-Phone was developed using some of President Obama's stimulus...
Read full storyThere are worse despots than me, says Gaddafi - like Queen Elizabeth, Simon Cowell...
Ben Kazi - Muammar Gaddafi blamed his mother Queen Elizabeth tonight for fomenting terror in Libya all week. Ranting incoherently on Have I Got Libyan News For U! the old war whorse blamed HM for terror attacks - under the flagship IRA, Al Qaeda a...
Read full storyMrs Gaddafi blames husband's voluptuous blond Ukranian wet nurse Galyna Kolotnytska
Bab al-Azizia, Libya - Mrs Fatima Cheryl Cole Gaddafi has vented her fury at the decrepit old bastard who's fired rockets at the Libyan people. "He's not the Leader of the Revolution, he's a very naughty senile old fart!" Mrs Gaddafi said today.
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