Just in - Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, who recently with no small degree of hypocrisy, vowed not to enter his own peculiar brand of satirical nonsense on unwary internet surfers in protest at the amount of celebrity smut bollocks currently being peddled, last night revealed that he felt 'an inner compulsion' to pen an utterly misleading spoof news headline, which may - if he's lucky - lure in an immature nine year old for a sneak peek.
Shuttlecock explained that he felt he had to commit fingertip to keyboard once again, as stories about socks and related innocuous topics appear to be far less popular than stories about nipples, arses, penises and vaginas - most notably when such stories have even the most tenuous connection with some anaemic looking seventeen year old teen idol.
"Call it a revolution if you like," a defiant Shuttlecock told us from his home in the doghouse. "But at least my stories are true! They're not some contrived load of old bollocks designed solely to accumulate internet hits with a dodgy headline. Apart from this one."
Long suffering wife, Anne, was heard to groan from the kitchen:
"Oh God...the silly old sod's on the bloody spoof.com website again. I can hear him snorting from here. The pig!"
To whit, Shuttlecock related in a civilised manner, that at a point in the past, he was in possession of a cock which had problems with its balls. The cock in question was a budgerigar, which could never seem to quite figure out how to knock over the little plastic balls in its cage, probably because the balls were weighted.
"So, you see!" a delerious Shuttlecock exclaimed. "I did have a cock which had problems with its balls! Doesn't that make this a valid news story? - I also had a pair of gay pet gerbils named Lautner and Bieber, and Lautner kept trying to give Bieber one up the council gritter (shitter - ed) but that isn't really relevant in this context."
Indeed.
And probably a surfeit of information.
But ours is not to reason why.
More as we get it. !Up the arse!
