World In Shock as Rooney Does Something Everybody Else Does
LONDON - At a recent football match, Rooney did something that everybody else does on a daily basis. After Manchester United lost again West Ham - a town not at all famous for pig-constructed food articles - Wayne Rooney, a striker, was caught say...
Read full storyMore From "Beyond The Hindu Kush" by Sir Mortimer Featherstonehaugh
The camel is often called the ship of the desert, and not without reason. Few craft are able to attain the speed of a camel in full sail, amid the harsh environs of the deserts of the Asian interior, and a camel at anchor - her shuddering flanks agleam beneath a brick-red sky - is a noble sight to rank with anything to be spied in the watercolours of J M W Turner, the famous coloured water artist...
Read full storyFukushima radiation found in strawberry sundae
Stockton, California - A family in Stockton has filed a 14.2 million dollar lawsuit against MC Dogles hamburgers of Stockton in California after a 4-year-old girl dies of radiation found in a strawberry sundae. The sundae was made of milk that ca...
Read full storyDon Trump Suggests Black And White Stork Delivered Obama From Kenya
In recent TV interviews, New York billionaire Don Trump revealed that he has had a change of heart regarding the birthplace of Barack Hussein Obama. Asked by Bill O'Reilly of FOX News if he has jumped in bed with the birthers, Trump responded by say...
Read full storySuBo fanatics demand airport name change!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies have today demanded that Edinburgh airport be renamed 'Susan Boyle Airport'. "We believe she's the most important Scottish person who ever lived, in the history of the world, so we demand that the ai...
Read full storyUniversity Challenge's Clemo to marry Katie Price
Andrew 'Clemo' Clemo, the captain of the defeated York team in the University Challenge final, emerged from the BBC studios with a cheeky grin on his face and his own personal trophy. Not the impressive glass ornament that was being clutched by Ma...
Read full storyLepers Monthly Gazette
Hello and welcome to this month's edition! Mr Arbudnot of Frampton would like to thank all those that searched for his nose at the gala weekend. It was found in the gents urinal tent by Mr Peasmould who handed it back with a new piece of sticky plaster. Edith Moore sends apologies if she was a bit flaky at the baking day last month in Morpeth. Kellogs corn flakes will not be served at t...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen has expressed a burning desire to have 'an audience with the Pope'
During one of his his more 'lucid' moments this week he is reported to have said, "That Pope guy, yeah I really wanna meet with him and get to know what makes him tick. Seems he could teach me a thing or two or even three. I know I act as if I know everything already but I do think, because he is much older than I am he will have a few new things to pass on to me in order to improve my 'act...
Read full storyDaily Revolutions in the life of a Spoofer
I read an interesting article by another writer today about Revolutions in history and it brought to mind a number of Daily Revolutions which I outline below: The only other revolutions I could add are the: Daily revolutions of wheels on vehicles Daily revolutions of Ferris Wheels Daily revolutions of my eyes when someone says something stupid (in my opinion). Daily revolutions of m...
Read full storyNobody Lives Forever - Especially those attending the Royal Wedding!
Police will throw an unprecedented ring of steel around the upcoming Royal Wedding Roadshow with all guests having to go through no fewer than nine separate security checks including five internal body checks. Amid fears the April 29th farce could...
Read full storyCameron Moves to Libyan Rebel Side, Feels Better Apreciated There
BENGHAZI & LONDON - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister, said he will move to Libya because he 'has a better rep there'. He will hand over power to Nick Clegg. "The Libyans were like 'Cameron, thank you for the aid, thanks for all the air stri...
Read full storyObama to Announce Re-Election, Populace Thinks He's Actually the Best Option
WASHINGTON - After announcing he would run for President in 2012, the media, think tanks, and laypersons then sat down, thought, and realised he's the best hope. "Even Newt is saddened at the prospect of himself running for Pres," said the leader...
Read full storyDrugged Up Person Wanders onto Stage at Charlie Sheen Show
LOS ANGELES - At a sold-out show in LA, a drugged up man, dishevelled, ranting and raving, turned up on the stage before Charlie Sheen did. "I know comedy touring is the new rock band," said one punter, "but having a shitty support act isn't going...
Read full storyObama Loses Nobel Peace Prize!
After so much vigorous debate over President Obama's worthiness to even receive the Nobel Peace Prize so early in his presidential career, then his surge in Afghanistan and now finally his latest actions in Libya, many national and world figures have been calling for President Obama to return his Nobel Peace Prize now. Previous responses from President Obama made it clear he was not going to r...
Read full storyFirst Marijuana Death Reported
The Coy W. Waller Laboratory Complex on the campus of the University of Mississippi has reported the first death from marijuana. The research center is the only legal marijuana farm and production facility in the United States. Mahmoud ElSohl...
Read full storyThe Lost Tribe Of Putney Common. Part 1
Hello, my name is David Atticbutter, and I am a nosey bastard that finds lost civilisations and tells the whole world where they live, and then fucking destroys them. During one of my treks I came across evidence that there is a lost tribe living on Putney Common. Which is in fact, in Putney, south west London. That is why it is named Putney Common. This is the story of my encounter. Monday...
Read full storyTop Gear's Jeremy Clarkson slips into "Top Gear" with several blond beauties!
Jeremy Clarkson, cheeky chappy, feels he's being "Tiger Wooded" by several people claiming to have seen him going "full throttle" in public with several "bimbo beauties" all over the world who just love laying across his bonnet? Obviously Jeremy i...
Read full storyJackson statue covered in bird shit
London - A flock of Siberian swallows from the red-breasted sapsucker family is suspected of dumping all over the Craven Cottage statue unveiled by Mohammed Fayed on Sunday. "They're emoting football fans' disgust at the effigy," Fulham Twitcher...
Read full storyRoyal Wedding Firework Ban
The UK government has today announced a total ban on all fireworks in advance of the Royal Wedding, which is finally, at last, just around the corner. It is also considering pushing forward a motion to completely outlaw all firework and lighthearted...
Read full storyCelebrity Apprentice: Meatloaf Blew A Fuse And Went 'Ballistic' When He Thought Gary Busey Had 'Stolen' His Yellow Highlighter
NEW YORK CITY - The latest edition of Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice came pretty close to turning into Celebrity Brawl, when the former singer known as Meat Loaf accused the former actor known as Gary Busey of stealing his yellow highlighting ma...
Read full storyChildren's Museum Beset by Problems
Sofa, Iowa - folks in this river city town were delighted when a consultant suggested a children's museum as a way to draw people away from more popular Iowa tourist destinations. An editorial in the local paper even suggested that the museum cou...
Read full storyCompany Patents New Urinal Design, Reports Increased Flow of Sales
The Porcelain Throne Company, announced a new commercial urinal for the bar/restaurant and hotel market last week, after winning a patent on the radical new design. Response to the new urinal named "The Kirby", has reportedly overwhelmed the factory...
Read full story'Charlie Sheen: Turn Off The Dark' Opens On Broadway
The producers of the Broadway show "Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark" have found an interesting way of 'fixing' the show before it's oft-delayed Broadway opening by combining it with Charlie Sheen's Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour. "For the first time...
Read full storySperm show Intelligent Design must be right
The Intelligent Design movement have finally found convincing evidence that all life on Earth was designed by an omnipotent being: Sperm. "We now not only know that humans were designed by intelligence," said Ray Comfort, author of many significan...
Read full storyRoger Hargreaves reveals his new Little Miss books
Roger Hargreaves, the author of the popular children's books, the Mr Men and Little Misses, has revealed his latest suite of books in the Little Miss section. Little Miss Place is the story of a forgetful character who can never remember where she...
Read full storyMancini surprise at goal yield of every over paid misfit behind the ball philosophy
Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has admitted his teams 'surprise' five goal yield against Sunderland had given him all the encouragement to continue implementing his 'every over-paid misfit behind the ball' footballing philosophy. City fan...
Read full storyAmazing Atlantic Discovery
The truth behind reported discoveries of 'aircraft parts' in the Atlantic Ocean can be revealed today in an Exclusive report from our Special Correspondent in the area , Azora Ribcage. The items found in the Ocean are not from any ordinary aircraf...
Read full storyIain Duncan Smith Says We Should Work Forever
Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith's incredible claim that we want to work beyond the age of 65 is merely a watered-down version of his beliefs, it can be revealed. A source claiming to be from inside the Smith circle showed EIF News &a...
Read full storyLocal Mechanic has Fukushima fix
Egg Harbor, N.J. - A Mr. Ronald Cole, of Egg Harbor, walked into our news room today and announced that he had the solution to stop the leak at Fukushima. "They'll never stop it with the diapers and bath salts they've been using. You can bet your bippy on that one," Ron laughed at me, sucking on his pipe. When I asked Ron what he would do he told me it was simple. "It's simple, chief.
Read full storyObama to intervene after Ouattara forces massacre civilians
WASHINGTON DC - In response to ill-considered reports by the UN and the Roman Catholic Church that squarely put the blame on Assassine Ouattara's IMF-backed New Army for approximately 800 civilian deaths in the town of Duekoue, President Obama has de...
Read full storyArkansas Man Arrested for Setting Up A Fake "Pat Down" Scam at The Mrs. Billy Clinton Airport In Hot Springs
HOT SPRINGS, Arkansas - Airport security guards apprehended an individual identified as Bucky "Buck" Fippyquack, 42, at The Mrs. Billy Clinton Airport in Hot Springs. One of the security guards Conway Earl Strayfoil said that he and his partner Ea...
Read full storyUS Planes Grounded After Hole Scare
Southwest Airlines have grounded 80 of their jets after problems with their in flight tannoy caused grunge rock band Hole's album " Ask For It" to be played on a continuous loop for the duration of all flights. The 1995 album is widely regarded by...
Read full storyDonald "The Hairdo" Trump Shaking In His $1,800 Pair of Berluti Shoes As President Obama Asks About His Tax Returns
NEW YORK CITY - Billionaire Donald "The Hairdo" Trump has just learned what could turn out to be a very expensive lesson. According to iGossip reporter Cutter Shiloh, The New York City mogul whose reality show Celebrity Apprentice has been going d...
Read full storySFA Announce New Website Application
The Scottish Football Association has announced that it is making available a "panic button" application on its website. As concerns mount at the increasing number of clubs who could slip into administration, the football authorities up North are...
Read full storyFulham Contoversy Over Jacko Statue
Fulham chairman Mohammed Al Fayed has caused a storm of protests after erecting a Michael Jackson statue outside Craven Cottage Stadium. The unorthodox multi millionaire owner of the South London club was a personal friend of the late entertainer...
Read full storyFilms That Didn't Make It
Following a major hacking of film studios' I.T systems, Wikileaks have released details have of films that never made it past the planning stage. Here's some of the ones that never saw the light of day : Harry Potter and The Hollowed Out Prince Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azerbaijan Harry Potter and The Order from the Takeaway Lethal Bedpan and Lethal Bedpan 2 Pilates Of...
Read full storyStandup Criminal Finally Gets Caught, And It's No Joke For Him
DALLAS, TX - A man was finally captured after a decade long search and a crime spree ranging in offenses from car theft to armed robbery to rape. Somewhere along the way, he also earned a nickname for his rather peculiar modus operandi. Last nigh...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen to Play Caligula in new movie deal
Quick to seize on the actor's recent notoriety Hollywood moguls have selected Charlie Sheen to play the emperor Caligula (12-41AD) in an action packed blockbuster that is promised will rival Burton and Taylor's Anthony and Cleopatra of 1963. Cali...
Read full storyRoyal Wedding Singer Revealed As Morrissey
The Royal Family announced surprising news today that cult icon and lead singer of The Smiths, Morrissey, will provide entertainment as the wedding singer for Kate and Wills big day - at the cost of re-writing The Smiths hit album, The Queen Is Dead.
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