Charlie Sheen to Play Caligula in new movie deal

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Monday, 4 April 2011


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Charlie as Mars

Quick to seize on the actor's recent notoriety Hollywood moguls have selected Charlie Sheen to play the emperor Caligula (12-41AD) in an action packed blockbuster that is promised will rival Burton and Taylor's Anthony and Cleopatra of 1963.

Caligula was known for his sexual mania and the fact that he made himself a god to be worshipped throughout the empire and even in the Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem. He was brutally assassinated by officers of the Praetorian guard while giving acting lessons to a drama group rehearsing a play in honour of the Divine Disgustus.

Madonna has agreed to play Caligula's mother Agrippina who was banished by her son to the tiny island of Pandataria, where she starved herself to death.

Said the singer; "It is as if I have been in training for this role all my life. I am so glad Oprah turned it down. What I do welcome is this unique opportunity to give the kiss of death to America's long standing and indomitable prudishness once and for all. It will also be the biggest money spinner I have been involved in during my professional career."

What she is referring to is the fact that all sex scenes will be real, unedited and live. "From live television to live cinema, you might say," said a Warner Bros rep. "The internet is awash with the stuff, so it makes perfect business sense to go with the flow. That's where the money is."

Many religious groups are already planning to march on Washington in protest even before the film is made. Bernardo Bertolucci, director of the infamous Last Tango in Paris (1972) welcomed the news as a long overdue breakthrough for the film industry.

"When pornography is everywhere then there won't be any pornography anymore and the human race will at last be reconciled to its sexuality," said he from a clinic in Parma where he is being treated for prostate problems.

Sheen's current "goddesses" will get to play Drusilla and Livilla, the sisters Caligula is said to have sold into prostitution. Hugh Hefner will star in a cameo role as Incitatus, the emperor's horse. He will also act as consultant for the many orgy scenes planned for the movie. Caligula's wife Caesonia will be played by Britney Spears and the statue of Venus by Diana Rigg.

Many of the world's leading experts in the fields of Gonorrhea, Syphilis, testicular maladies including cancer, Hepatitis a, b, and c, Aids, hamstring injuries, anal infections, vaginal warts, Chlamydia, Herpes, back problems, low self-esteem, and the new form of suicidal depression linked to promiscuity called Flynnitis ( after Errol Flynn the late actor) will be on standby during the filming.

Prof. Wankin Rich, head of America's largest pharmaceutical company "No Sickee - No Drugee" issued a statement from his yacht in Malibu; "Besides standing up for liberal America and the constitutional values that have made this country great, this film is also relaying a very important message to the world concerning the presence of STDs and how effective modern drugs are in curing them, especially the more expensive brands. We wish it every success."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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