British Change Spotted Dick To Speckled Trouser Trout To Avoid Embarrassing Customers
A council has taken Spotted Dick off the menu at its staff canteen because of comments from sniggering diners. Cockshare County Council's dining room now serves Speckled Trouser Trout instead. It reportedly banned 'Spotted Dick' because of the nam...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse: No, My Leg Won't Be Amputated!
Singer Amy Winehouse has displayed displeasure over a leading fan 'zine speculating that her left leg may have to be amputated after some photos were released earlier this summer which showed a lot of scaring to the leg. Winehouse allegedly told t...
Read full storyJack - It's Where You Wanna Be
Once again, Jack is the name that everybody wants, according to the Times of London. Jack is the most popular name, and has been for the last 13 years. For boys. Calling girls 'Jack' is likely to lead to ridicule, and not regarded as a good mov...
Read full storyAmerica's Got Talent's Barbara Padilla Knocks Everyone's Socks Off!
HOLLYWOOD - The entire America's Got Talent audience as well as all three AGT judges gave Houston opera singer Barbara Padilla a standing ovation. And that standing O from the judges is extremely rare especially considering the fact that British...
Read full storyEditorial: "I don't work 12 hours a day to come home and piss in the toilet"
Let me start by clearing the air. Unequivocally, I love my wife. I honestly do. I've never so much as looked at another woman, let alone lay my hands on one and break the sanctity of our wedding vows. Nor do my feelings on the present issue color any other feelings I have for her; we try to make every day a fresh opportunity to show our love and share the best and worst that life has to offer.
Read full storyDeLay Trying to Delay DWTS Debut
Former US House Majority Leader Tom DeLay apparently is having second thoughts about his participation as a contestant in the upcoming 9th season of ABC's hit ballroom dance reality show, "Dancing With The Stars." DeLay, whose professional partn...
Read full storyFeeding campaign for models underway for upcoming New York fashion week
New York, NY - Plans are underway to provide sustenance for models to combat the hectic demands of Fashion Week, slated for September 10 - 17. Designers will place inverted-style hummingbird feeders backstage of the runway shows, where models can gat...
Read full storyRatzinger whore to pay the price of 9/9/9 hoax
London - (Doomsday Mess): Police are pissing themselves with glee after discovering that a 'rogue meteorite' will smite the Queen on 9/11 this year, and are doing absolutely nothing to stop it. Orders received from the secret World Government have...
Read full storyBrainless Morons Divorce
The three-year marriage of Vacuous Tart Jordan and pointless twat Peter Andre was brought to an end in little more than a minute today when the insipid celebrity couple were granted a "quickie divorce". The divorce proceedings lasted considerably...
Read full storyNational Breast Appreciation Day - Merkel Peed Off As Germany Is Excluded
German Chancellor Angela Merkel was reportedly furious today at the exclusion of her native country from National Breast Appreciation day on September 28th. Merkel, by her own admission, no oil painting, stuck up for her fellow countrywomen, stati...
Read full storyThe Sun Has A Baby
Shockwaves crashed throughout the scientific world today after NASA reported the discovery of a baby sun hiding behind our own Sun. "We have long suspected something was behind the sun but never had the necessary equipment to locate it until now."...
Read full storyHusband of Woman with World's Largest Vagina 'Ready' for National Breast Appreciation Day
OSHKOSH, B'Gosh - This morning on Wake the Hell Up America, Johnson Octopops let loose about his bitter break-up with the woman with the world's largest vagina, who he said, "would only beat me off... and smelled like fish." The television "person...
Read full storyT-Bagers Birthers join forces... renamed Douche-Bagers
In a move to solidify the fringe elements of the conservative movement and the Republican Party, spokesmen for the T-Baggers and The Berther have announced a joint effort to combine their ranks and rants against the Obama administration. The annou...
Read full storyFather, Daughter Win Explosive Diarrhea Contests
Blackwater Mountain, Tennessee - When it come to having explosive diarrhea, John J. Johnson, JJ to his friends, and daughter Jean J. Johnson are quite a team. John set a new distance record and Jean won first place at the Corn Hole & Washer Pitch...
Read full storyMan with World's 2nd Largest Penis Recovering from "Joint Reduction Surgery."
Long Branch, NJ/ Hospital News - A man, far from a " normal" man, is resting comfortably today before commencing rehabilitation exercises after having the world's first "Penis Reduction" performed by noted plastic surgeon Alex "Tight Jaws" Johnson.
Read full storyVenus Williams Makes a Woman of Caster Semenya
In a surprise development, tennis star Venus Williams announced her engagement to embattled South African runner Caster Semenya. Caster, who has endured numerous questions about her gender, eagerly showed off the 5 carat engagement ring at a press co...
Read full storySchwarzenegger Challenges Mother Nature To A Fight
Sacramento, CA - California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has had enough. "Wildfires, earthquakes, drought, floods, swine flu, Michael Jackson - no more! Mother Nature must be terminated." Schwarzenegger's remarks come as the state recovers fro...
Read full storyCharles Gibson To Leave ABC News After Third Close Call By Lightning
News achorman Charles Gibson has decided to leave his post in the near future and pass the baton to Diane Sawyer. "I'm not sure about the exact date", stated Gibson. "I do know it's sometimes after National Breast Appreciation Day on the 28th as...
Read full storyVeep in kidnap drama
New York, Wednesday. In astounding news that nobody could fathom except Gordon Brown, Police announced that US Vice President, Joe Biden, has been kidnapped by a renegade group of Wall Street accountants. These corporate criminals have asked for...
Read full storyDolly Parton Celebrates Breast Appreciation Day
"It's about time we had a National Breast Appreciation Day" Dolly Parton reportedly stated at Dollywood this morning on PMSNBC. "If there's anybody any more thankful than I am, they're a complete Boob!" "These babies have carried me more tha...
Read full story09:09 09/09/09 coincidence
Today, numerologists will have noticed that the time and date at one point was 09:09 09/09/09. After an appeal for people affected by this, we received details from a Mr Neil McBride from Dunfermline near Edinburgh in Scotland. He told us he had be...
Read full storyBank Calls Obama's Home Loan Due to Real Estate Crisis: Frank and Fannie Friends Ride to Rescue..Again!
Chicago,Il/ Real Estate Hard Times - According to Representatives from the Icelandic national bank, the value of President Obama's personal residence in now officially 'underwater', and they are calling the loan. Obama purchased the Georgian Styl...
Read full storyNew Brown Bounce for Labour
The Labour Voters Association today praised the prime minister's initiative to offer incentives to shore up the faltering Labour vote with his proposed New Voter Deal. A statement issued from the Association read.. "Even with the extraordinary run of...
Read full storyAdam Lambert To Become Third BeeGee?
Are the Bee Gees getting back together? According to all the news reports in the headlines yesterday, they certainly are. What they didn't report was that American Idol singer Adam Lambert may become the third member. "With Adam wearing theis s...
Read full storyJanet Jackson To Honor Her Pussy At VMA's
New York, New York - From the loft of her 'on again, off again' lover, aging thespian Robert Deniro, Janet Jackson, the singer who caused such an uproar with her wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl on February 1, 2004, has announced that she will...
Read full storyBurying Michael Jackson, Other Boomers, Big Business
After being laid off from his previous three jobs over the past three years, Donald Phelps of Cloverport, Wisconsin says he has finally found a 'layoff proof' profession...the funeral sciences. "There are so many boomers out there in their 60's n...
Read full storySarah and Todd have Bed-in at Wasilla Hotel
Propped up on pillows in a sea of white linens on a California King in the Mud Flat Suite of the a Wasilla hotel, Todd and Sarah Palin spoke to reporters in a press conference this morning. "We're holding a 'bed-in'", Mrs. Palin said, elbowing T...
Read full storyChina Criticizes FED: US Now Printing More $100 Bills than North Korea!
Beijing, China/ International Fiduciary News - China's International Finance Minister, Hu Nhu, sounded a serious financial alarm today with the news that for the first time in 3 decades, the US Treasury Department was printing more $100 Bills than Ro...
Read full storyConservatives implement Nazi evil twin plan for votes
The conservatives today have unveiled plans which they hope will win them the next election. In a bid to run the next government, David Cameron has cloned himself an evil twin. The twins will live and also debate together jointly in Prime Minis...
Read full storyAndy Murray blames Andy Murray for defeat
Andy Murray was annihilated by Marin Cilic yesterday in the last 16 of the US Open. During the press conference Murray was very honest about who he blamed for the defeat. "I blame Andy Murray, he's a fuck*ng prick, he kept on putting me off, he di...
Read full storyRooney: Tom Daley is my footballing hero
Wayne Rooney, ugly, revealed in a one on one interview with lard-arse Martin Samuel, that sexy diver Tom Daley is his footballing hero, in the early hours of Monday Morning. "I just love the way he dives... it's an inspiration to any footballer"...
Read full storyDeclaration of Guilt
Time is 1978. A member of a clandestine organization, addressing a representative of a unique species of Homo sapiens, said, "O.K. Before we let you replace your archenemy, we need some assurance." The rep replied, "Your honor, what assurances? We have been your humble servant for the past 100 years. You know we can wrap the mob round our little finger. You know they absolutely bow to our orders."...
Read full storyGrandma Lee, 75, Agrees To Be Adam Lambert's Opening Act
SAN DIEGO - Adam Lambert has confirmed that America's Got Talent's comedian Grandma Lee has in fact been signed to be the opening act in his upcoming 'Lambert Loose on The Land of Music Tour.' The 75-year-old Jacksonville granny makes no secret ab...
Read full storyCaster Tired of The Damn Gender Questions
NEW YORK CITY - South Africa's Caster Semenya, the world's 800 meter champion held a press conference in Yankee Stadium and told the assembled reporters that she is sick and tired of all the questions questioning her gender. Semenya wearing skinti...
Read full storyTrans Via Venezuela Airlines Worried Like Hell About Swine Flu
CARACAS - The CEO of Trans Via Venezuela Airlines, one of the largest airlines in South America, Don Diego Corona-Cienfuegos has stated in an email to his sister, Chalupita Corona-Cienfuegos Schwartz that his director of ticket stamping has informed...
Read full storyChelsea Sack Fans in Shock Move
Celebrity fans such as Boris Johnson and Johnny Vaughan are amongst those left without a club following Chelsea FC's shock announcement that they are sacking their supporters. The move has surprised many, but pundit Alan Hansen sees the logic behind...
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