In a surprise development, tennis star Venus Williams announced her engagement to embattled South African runner Caster Semenya. Caster, who has endured numerous questions about her gender, eagerly showed off the 5 carat engagement ring at a press conference. "I'm so thrilled!" Caster beamed like a little school girl. A little, cross-dressing, sexually ambiguous schoolgirl. And while her status as a "female" has finally been resolved through exhaustive gender testing, sources indicate that Williams' status is now in doubt.
After losing to opponent Clijsters earlier this week, photographic examination of Venus' "private parts" exposed during the match indicate the presence of "alternate gender equipment". A source close to the investigation said that there was photographic evidence that appeared to substantiate claims that Venus had a wardrobe malfunction during one volley that left what appears to be a "right testicle" exposed. "Her junk was just hanging out of those frilly little panties," said the source.
After reviewing previous matches frame by frame, the tennis association now believes it has enough evidence to ban Venus from women's tennis competition for being a man. "Here we see Venus after a good set with what appears to be an erection," said Dr. Gordon Littleberries, heading the investigation. "We see the same, massive print in her panties here, here and here. Oh yeah, ESPECIALLY here after she won the match. Look at the size of that panty python! In my professional opinion, that's about 9 1/2 to 10 1/2 inches of pure manhood right there!"
Venus dismisses the rumors as a veiled attempt to end her tennis dominance. "I merely have a larger than average clitoris. Where's the crime in that?" she said. But, some who claim to have seen that clitoris up close and personal dispute that claim. One source, who prefers to remain anonymous, claims to have seen a partially clad Venus in a locker room. "She was just standing there, scratching her fuzzy balls. She saw me and put them away, muttering something about them being her lucky tennis balls. But who carries around their own tennis balls anyway?"
Another source recalls walking in on Venus in a weight room. "She was on the stool doing some shoulder presses. Her legs were open and I could see...it...just laying there. At first I thought she had accidentally sat on a radiator hose or something, but then she saw me and got aroused. Before I knew it, she was coming towards me with what looked like a police baton in her hand. It was long, black and hard. After she put the baton down, it was horrible...the things she did to me...over and over again, until I was weak from the non-stop waves of orgasmic release..." said Anne Heche, neurotic, sexually confused actress.
Venus has denied ever having even met Anne Heche, less known, "Banging that crazy bitch." Venus also expressed her love for Caster and said the two will wed in California sometime this fall. When asked about California's ban on same-sex marriage, Venus threw back her head and laughed like Samuel L. Jackson. "That's a moot point, don't you think? Besides, if push comes to shove, I've got an ace in the hole, and I'll whip it out if I have to!" As to who would be doing all the "pushing and shoving" in their relationship, at this point, it's anybody's guess.