Hogroast to celebrate Jenna Bush's first wedding anniversary
Crawford, Texas - (Booze-Sodden Ass Mess): A Mexican-style Predator Chapel Ranch hogwash on this Sunday's Mother's Day promises a lively family celebration for newlyweds Jenna Bush and husband Henry Hager who are celebrating one year of wedded bliss.
Read full storyNew Robin Hood film opens
Now that Americans own the British film industry, their latest version of 'Robin Hood' opened today with a slightly different perspective from previous movies about the legendary outlaw, and here is a clip from the new version: [Scene:suburb of Nottingham] [In England] [Go to France, then turn left] Robin Hood (played by Hugh Grant): 'What ho, Marian, more bloomin' bills again! I've had en...
Read full storyA High Flying President, a Low Flying Jet
William Shakespeare had it all wrong! The evil that men do, does not live after them, it haunts the victims of the evil for the rest of their lives. And so when a Boeing 747 flew frighteningly close to the lower Manhattan skyline, residents haunted by the September 11 attacks scrambled for safety. The lesson: the right of any plane to fly as low as it likes, stops where buildings and human heads b...
Read full storyPrince Charles pleads for endangered animals to be shot
The Prince of Wales today asked people to end the slow, painful drift towards extinction of endangered species of animals, and to shoot them now to put them out of their misery. 'When one was in India', he said, 'bagging one's first tiger, well, o...
Read full storyChevron Judge Juan Nunez a sitting duck for Putin hired gun
Lago Agrio, Ecuador - (Poison Chalice Ass Mess): Juan Nunez, presiding judge in Ecuador's KGB-bankrolled $27 billion lawsuit against Chevron Corp, is not a happy bunny if the Big Oil grapevine is to be believed. Holed up in squalid, windowless, u...
Read full storyDaydreamers 5x More Likely To Be Run Over
After 11 long years of research, scientists finally announced today that people who didn't pay attention to what they were doing, such as daydreamers, neurotics, drunkards, those high ON DRUGS, and people using iPods were 5 times more likely to be pl...
Read full storyMurder Charge Against 'White Elite' Kenyan Heir Reduced To Manslaughter
The Hon Tom Cholmondeley (pronounced Chumley) was found guilty of manslaughter by a Kenyan court judge, who had reduced the charges from an initial accusation of murder. Cholmondeley, an Old Rottingfestarian and heir to a 49,000 acre estate lived...
Read full storyEuthanasia bus launches in London
A free bus promoting euthanasia has begun regular trips between London and Switzerland. The bus is run by human abattoir DignityMyAss, and has a large logo on its side saying "There's probably no point in life - Now stop worrying and kill yourself in...
Read full storyDrog's Ballacks
Drogba is Ballack. Ballack is Drogba. One is a white German. The other is a black African. Both can play football a bit when they set their minds to it. Both are sore losers. Both are possessed of temperaments of fire. And that's not all they have...
Read full storyBrown stew over expenses
Gordon Brown is said to be troubled by the allegations that he has claimed illegal expenses. Today, full details were released of the Labour Party's expenses over the past year, including some unnecessary costs that were allegedly made by the Prime M...
Read full storySid Vicious to appear in advert
Sid Vicious is to appear in an advert for French sponges. He follows fellow punk legends Johnny Rotten and Iggy Pop in selling out his punk anarchist credentials in order to make a quick profit. In Sid's case however, it is his family who have made t...
Read full storyThe mother of all e-mail disclaimers!
Please note: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or i...
Read full storyNew UFO Papers Released By Brit Government
Britain's defence ministry has just released over 10,000 more declassified UFO files to the general public. The files, released by Britain's National Archives, pertain to incidents from January 1, 1985 to Dec 31st 1995. The time period covers about 2...
Read full storyPee-Wee League Player Suspended For Illegal Substance Use
(Great Neck-NY) In the shadow of Manny Ramirez's 50 game suspension for the use of a controlled substance, Pee-Wee league rookie sensation Josh "Long Ball" Brenner of the Massapequa Whirlwindz was suspended for three games by the Police Athletic Leag...
Read full storyObama Names Lou Dobbs Ambassador To Mexico
WASHINGTON - In a very surprising move President Barack Obama has named CNN TV host Lou Dobbs to be the new American ambassador to Mexico. Dobbs who the highly reputable Mexican newspaper, The Cabo San Lucas Morning Tamale recently named "The Most...
Read full storyCameron Diaz new love scandal
New Jersey, NY - Hollywood's third highest paid female actress, Cameron Diaz has a new lover - a bus driver who shares almost the same name as her: Cameron Dee Ass. Diaz and Dee Ass met on the set of her new movie Rebecca Gets Her Heavy Vehicles...
Read full storySuperman confesses "I'm gay" - Romance with Lois Lane was just a cover-up
Metropolitas - Man of Steel, saviour of the world, Superman has finally admitted he's gay. Superman first graced our TV screens in black and white in 1954 and followed up with a series of successful movies two decades later. In the second movie h...
Read full storyKate Winslet claims she rarely exercises her right to sue
Oscar-winning actress Kate Winslet is suing a British daily newspaper over an article which claimed she had lied about her fitness regime by playing down the amount of exercise she needed. It is the second time in the last few years she has taken...
Read full storyMarilyn Manson's ex-wife claims he reads War & Peace and adopts abandoned Chihuahuas
Salem, SA - "Satanic" rocker Marilyn Manson's ex-wife Dita Von Teese has claimed he is not what he seems. Many people think Manson is a Satan-worshiping, lamb sacrificing freak. Not so, says Von Teese, who was married to the man for several yea...
Read full storyMichael 'Savage' Actually A Weinie
The fans of right wing talk show host Michael Savage are leaving him in droves upon learning that he is not really 'Savage' but actually a wienie. It was revealed today that his real name is Michael Alan Weiner. Sponsors at the San Francisco r...
Read full storyRonny "Ducky" replaces Becks "Ducky" as gay icon Numero uno!
The latest Gay Icon, Ronaldo (replaced the ageing Beckham as Homos rejected Beck's move to Milan after being so near to Mekka!) admits he is quite flattered and titilated to add a new title to his many successes. Ronny "Ducky" regards this particu...
Read full storyGwyneth Paltrow admits: "I don't like vegetables"
Gloucestershire, England - Fading actress Gwyneth Paltrow has admitted, after six years of marriage and the same amount of years as a vegetarian, that she does not, in fact, like vegetables. Paltrow married Cold Play frontman Chris Martin six year...
Read full storyDial-A-Goat
Dial-A-Goat I must apologiise for the rather unusual approach but I have an idea for what I feel would be a very viable business but I am short of funds and wondered if there was any astute entrepreneurs out there willing to risk an investment? About Dial-A-Goat.. As the name suggests Dial-A-Goat is a service whereby one telephones a premium rate line and a goat is delivered direct to th...
Read full storyNo 10 publishes Gorgon Brown's moneylaundering contract
London - (Wipe-Ass Mess): Six grand a week to hose down the Prime Monster's sex dungeon and launder his smalls. That's the going rate apparently, according to newly released expenses data published by Downing Street this afternoon following a pres...
Read full storyPersonal Responsibility
My new year's resolution is to take more personal responsibility, as this is the traditional American way. I will no longer blame my issues on society; I will only blame them on my incompetence. This major change in my thinking was the result of an epiphany I had while watching The O'Reilly Factor. Bill O'Reilly's infinite wisdom opened my eyes to the source of my incompetence: the liberal media.
Read full storyRussell Crowe in bar brawl with Shetland Pony
Sydney, Aus - Russell Crowe has landed himself in hot water once again after being dragged from a local bar after a fight with a local pony. Crowe was reportedly having a quiet drink with friends when the cream coloured Shetland Pony wandered in a...
Read full storyGod save the "Queen"
Shock, utter amazement and some understanding has spread through the nation like wild-fire as Prince Charles, the next-in-line to the throne, has revealed that he has same-sex tendencies, and has had for quite a while. The Prince admitted to repor...
Read full storyBritish Newspapers Distraught After M&S Change Bra Price Policy
Marks and Spencer announced today that they have withdrawn the £2 surcharge they had applied to larger bra sizes. Although this gave rise to a new round of boob, bust and chest joke headlines in the British press, there was great concern that the st...
Read full storyJoey Barton to Fight Manny Pacquiao
Joey Barton, banned from the Newcastle team for the rest of the season, is to fight Manny Pacquiao. He told reporters he "just wants to smack the little shit for giving his mate Ricky Hatton a good shoeing". "Anyone who punches a mate of mine is...
Read full storyOvrebo was right...psychologically speaking
If Karl Marx was not given to Satanic ideas, he would have stated that "football (not religion) is the opium of the masses." Which other event would cause grown-up, able-bodied men to weep and fight? And like it has been pointed out, the game has no ennobling characteristics - like Basketball which teaches its adherents to throw banana peels into waste buckets without hitting the tired, sweaty tra...
Read full storyDidier Drogba Banned For Fifteen Matches!
Didier Drogba, the Chelsea striker who so shamefully remonstrated with Norwegian referee, Tom Henning Ovrebo, after Wednesday night's Champions League semi-final clash with Barcelona at Stamford Bridge, has received a massive 15-match Abuse Ban from...
Read full storyManny Ramirez Suspended For 50 Games
LOS ANGELES - Former Los Angeles Dodgers manager and hall of famer Tommy Lasorda has called Manny Ramirez the most popular Dodger player since they moved from Brooklyn in 1958. And now the Dodger left fielder will serve a 50 game suspension becaus...
Read full storyPanda Porn Perks Up British Web Watchers
British tabloid, the Gordy Brown Knot, has a regular feature that has kept careful track of the sexsual predelictions of British pornography purchasers. The United Kingdom Great Britain recession has cut sharply into porn profits from erotic websites...
Read full storyPope Brings Flowers to Six Million Dead Jews Whom Happen to be in Hell
Pope Benedict who has dicked-over Muslims, Jews, Gypsies and Gays much as the Nazis had, at least brought a bouquet. Vatican archivists are reporting that the desicated flowers were the very floral arrangement that Pope Pius the XII meant to send...
Read full storyBristol Palin vs Levi Johnston XVII, Prelim to Hatton vs Pacquiano II
Fight promoter Don King has managed to sign the 17th boxing match between the Nome New Mom, Bristol Palin and Dead Beat Daddy, Levi Johnston as the prelim to the rematch of the Manchester Maulee Ricky Hatton and the Manila Mauler, Manny Pacquiano.
Read full storyBristol Palin Encourages Teenage Girls to Become Pregnant
Bristol Palin, the 18 year old daughter of Alaska governor Sara Palin, said during an interview this morning that she hopes all teenage girls get to become pregnant because "being a mommy is just so awesome!" Bristol was the talk of the campaign c...
Read full storyIn Defence of Ovrebo
Referee Tom Henning Ovrebo, the official who officiated in the Chelsea vs Barcelona match did his best, psychologically speaking. It was curious for anyone to expect more from a man trained to look at the inner turmoils of men, and not the outward movements of the body. For God's sake he is a psychologist! He did not award the disputed penalties to Chelsea not because of any conspiracy, but b...
Read full storyManny-ACK Peed PED'S
Former Red Sux maniac, Manny Ramirez could only Dodge the piss testing MLB drug dawgs for so long. Manny has now been suspended from the great American pastime by miserably failing his surprise pisstime. For fifty games the LA Dodgers will have to fo...
Read full storyHomeowner unhappy with Finnish basement
Sitting in a leather recliner below ground level can heighten one's senses to the sound of billiard balls colliding, that hollow ping pong ball nipping the end of the table or a relative repeatedly twisting the cue stick into the cube of chalk. These...
Read full storyHomosexual Gangs Terrorize Inner City
Washington, D.C. - In the shadows of the U.S. Capitol, residents in the southeast section of Washington D.C. have seen an increase in homosexual gang activity in recent weeks. Already accustomed to high rates of crime, the citizens of this neighborh...
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