The Prince of Wales today asked people to end the slow, painful drift towards extinction of endangered species of animals, and to shoot them now to put them out of their misery.
'When one was in India', he said, 'bagging one's first tiger, well, one simply wanted to end the poor blighter's suffering. Growing up in a world with no future is so sad, just look at me. Wish a certain head of state would be hunted down, then maybe I'd have something to do apart from pontificating about things that my upbringing gives me no understanding of - like work, farming, who my sons are, rock music, fighting wars, and Wales'.
Some animal rights groups were understandably dismayed at Prince Charles's comments, and a spokesman for one, the World Cutesy Animal Fund, said: 'Seals, golden eagles, elephants, rain forest gorillas, yes. In fact all the cuddly, cutesy animals that make us all go 'awwww' should be protected. But seagulls, foxes, sharks, insects, in fact any animals that doesn't make us go 'awww' should be shot on sight.'
'So we are outraged that the Prince of Whales - I mean Wales - should want the animals that appear in all the children's stories to be killed. Far better to avoid changing our lifestyles that are polluting the planet, and are leading to their slow extinction, and wiping out 99% of the world's wildlife simply because they don't fit into Disney cartoon movies.'
'You never hear us calling for a 'save the battery-farmed pigs' campaign, or to 'adopt a badger or a crow.' Yet these are some of the most intelligent animals in the world - unlike rhinos and hippos, two of the dumbest and most dangerous creatures on the planet!'
'No wonder Africans shoot them. And as for tigers, imagine a few living a mile away from your home, it would be out with the rifles and off to wipe 'em out straight away, no questions asked.'
'You know, it's almost as if people living in the Western world haven't a clue what it's like living with these mad, dangerous animals nearby, and sit in Berkshire pontificating about things they know nothing about. My resignation's in the post, I'm off crocodile hunting. One of them killed my grannie.'
Prince Charles was busy handing his PRO a handful of readies for getting him in the news again, which went straight into the PRO's crocodile skin wallet.