Pee-Wee League Player Suspended For Illegal Substance Use

Funny story written by Ed E. Druckman

Friday, 8 May 2009

(Great Neck-NY) In the shadow of Manny Ramirez's 50 game suspension for the use of a controlled substance, Pee-Wee league rookie sensation Josh "Long Ball" Brenner of the Massapequa Whirlwindz was suspended for three games by the Police Athletic League of Great Neck, the league's ruling commission.

The manager of the Whirlwindz, John Matos, took time out from a dry wall project he was overseeing for a "high profile client in Glenn Cove" to comment on the matter. "They say it's only three games. Our season is eight. They've ruined us. Why? Rumors. Just because a kid first started hitting the ball six feet and then gets a hot bat and starts driving it four hundred doesn't mean the juice he's on is anything more than Snapple."

Rival manager of the Hempstead Gibbons, Max Breslow, has a different take. "Look, just because I manage a team called the Gibbons, doesn't mean you can make a monkey out of me. I saw Brenner in tryouts for our team. Back then, his nickname should have been "Long Bawl" because the only thing he could do is cry every time he came up to the Tee."

However, Matos believes Breslow's view, along with the league's other managers who pushed for the investigation, is a case of regret and envy. "What you have here is a classic case of regret. It's like when one of my clients forgets to ask for waterproofing because they think it's included when we're dry walling a shower. First shower, the entire wall falls down. And they blame me. I say, "Well, you didn't ask." And Breslow had the chance to pick "Long Ball", but he didn't. I did." Matos was then quick to add: "And the shower dry wall example I used, it happens to involve a lawsuit I'm currently involved in. So, no comment."

At a press conference, a spokesman for the Police Athletic League of Great Neck, John Liscowicz, assured reporters of local give-away papers that the "investigation would be fair. We're not going into this with any agenda or preconceived ideas. But we do have some questions. For example, how can a five-year old grow from three feet to six feet four inches in the space of a month and a half? Why is a twenty-three year old kindergarten teacher filing chargers against "Long Ball", a five-year old, that claim he excessively groped her?"

Matos maintains that all of PAL's questions have logical answers. "Hey, kids grow like weeds at that age. And the groping thing, he's an early developer. Or it might be because he's Italian on his mother's side."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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