Obama reveals dramatic new nocturnal emissions standards for US
Washington - (Wet Dream Mess): The President has unveiled dramatic new standards for US nocturnal emissions in a bold bid to wean Americans off cheap imported foreign smut. "It's time my fellow Americans took themselves in hand and tossed aside il...
Read full storyCoronation Street To Become Embroiled In Terror Plot
It was revealed today that soap opera Coronation Street will become embroiled in it's very own terror plot this coming September. A spokesman said that it will add much needed vigour to a very tedious show. Local fuddy duddies Ken Barlow and No...
Read full storyITV Launch 'Speaker Idol'
Never let it be said that the canny executives at ITV are slow off the mark when seizing a new broadcasting opportunity, and the crisis at Westminster over the MPs expenses claims has afforded them a chance to catch public attention yet again with a...
Read full storyMP Bought Manure For "Perfectly Good Reason"
As the MPs Expenses Claim Crisis rolled relentlessly on today, news emerged about the circumstances surrounding the purchase made by the Conservative MP for Wells, David Heathcoat-Amory, who spent more than £380 on horse manure. Mr Heathcoat-Amory...
Read full story'The Great Escape', starring Benjamin Netanyahu, opens
At cinemas across the world today, 'The Great Escape' opened to rave reviews and huge box office receipts. The movie stars Benjamin Netanyahu, and is about a massive and daring escape from a huge prisoner of war camp in the Middle East, 'Gaza 17'. The camp is controlled by fanatical Nazionists, who have surrounded it with miles of barbed wire and land mines, and occasionally use it as target pr...
Read full storyDoncaster Man Baffles Doctors
Doncaster man Isaac Hunt has lived with an extraordinary medical condition all his life, but until now has never felt the need to consult the medical profession. And now he has, doctors admit that they're baffled and completely at a loss as to how to...
Read full storyDocumentary proves Damian Hirst is a complete and utter very rich wanker!
A very cutting documentary has been released about Damian Hirst, his gallerists, the auctioneers, the contemporary art world generally and how the fuck they all manipulate the astronomical prices of their so called works of very crappy, contemporary...
Read full storyAdam Lambert and Simon Cowell Spotted In Passionate Embrace
LOS ANGELES - A bystander clicked a cell phone snapshot of American Idol frontrunner Adam Lambert and feisty Simon Cowell passionately embracing in an alley behind the Fox studios. The two were said to be so engulfed with each other that they never...
Read full storyHeterosexuals set for War
The five states in America which have sanctioned gay marriages are in a quandary over demands by heterosexuals to be allowed two marriages by law at the same time. Heterosexuals do not understand why they should be limited to only one partner when...
Read full storyTwilite's New Moon's "Extra" Werewolf Troubling Some, Scaring Others
An odd thing has happened as Alex Meraz was reviewing all the different film angles he shot during the "Werewolf" scenes, there's an extra werewolf. "I filmed this whole segment and the fans will not be disappointed at the transformation of the ma...
Read full storyOvrebo bids for UEFA Final between Man U and Barca
Controversial referee Tom Ovrebo has appealed to UEFA Referee's committee for the officiating of the UEFA Champion's League Final between FC Barcelona and Manchester United FC. He says this is the only way to punish Didier Drogba, John Terry and M...
Read full storyNottingham Robber Gets Ten Years
Nottingham man, Robin Locksley Hood, 29, of Sherwood Road Nottingham was jailed for ten years today after having been found guilty at Nottingham Crown Court of 76 charges of robbery. Hood, who pleaded not guilty, claimed that he was on a mission t...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Does Not Press Charges Against Teen For Fake Pics
A spokesman for Miley and her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, has issued a statement to the press this morning that the teen who placed some faked racy photographs of Miley on the internet a couple of weeks ago has apologized and that Miley has accepted his ap...
Read full storyIce Cream Van Owners Threatened By Beyonce's Mafia Hoodlums
In the UK it has been revealed that the owners/operators of ice cream vans have reported an eighty percent increase in intimidation and racketeering by mafia hoodlums allegedly on the payroll of American megastar Beyonce Knowles. It would appear t...
Read full storySpeaker quits for the sake of Unity Mitford's bastard grandsons Tony Blair, George W Bush and Vladimir Putin
London - (Mein Kampf Ass Mess): In what has been described as the ultimate act of altruism necessary to protect the ID of Nazi-fellater Unity Mitford's sicko Trifecta grandsons Blair, Bush and Putin House of Commons Speaker Michael Martin stood down...
Read full storyVanderlei de Lima may disrupt Neil Horan's 'Puddledance' jig on Britains Got Talent!
Brazilian Vanderlei de Lima who was disrupted by international loon and head-case, during the Olympics costing him a marathon GOLD MEDAL, is considering running onto the BGT stage and kicking Neil Horan up the arse - as he performs his lame excuse o...
Read full storyAdrian 'Nathan Petrelli' Pasdar auditions for role of Rahm Emanuel in Obama 2008 victory biopic
Los Angeles - (ReUterus & 9/11 Ass Mess): Heroes actor Adrian Pasdar is a central casting shoo-in to play the role of Rahm Emanuel in new Tarantino-directed movie about the Obama 2008 presidential victory. A near doppelganger for the president...
Read full storyKatie Holmes' SUPER DIET revealed!
Katie Holmes has finally come clean and revealed the secret behind her super scientology diet, which was reportedly hubby Cruise's idea. "The main ingredient in the diet is fresh air, and you can throw in some water and common sense into the equation as well!" She was speaking to our LA correspondent this morning, when she gave out the secret to her success: "The only thing you have to ge...
Read full storyBritains Got Talent - Neil Horan looks like any ordinary 'priest-bloke' says Piers
The crazy high profile lunatic protester Neil Horan 'looked like any other dancing priest' said ex- tabloid editor Pearce Organ. "Yes I have seen footage of him in the past disrupting the Olympics and running on to formula one tracks risking hi...
Read full story'The Torn Forms', by Hazel Bleats (published by Miles of Boak)
As Hazel gazed deeply into the print of the forms, lying bedraggled on her kitchen table, she wondered where everything had gone wrong. Once she had loved the forms, her eyes had moistened at their every visit to her hand, her pen had been so pleased to see the snortlingly proud expenses forms, ready to be filled with lots of her ink. But now, no more. Taking a bite out of a passing cooking oni...
Read full storyIsraeli PM reminds Barack Obama to obey Israeli and British orders without question
Israeli PM Benjamin Warcriminal met US President Barack Obama today, and the two are expected to discuss many Middle-Eastern issues. Such as the Israeli air force using jets to massacre civilians quite deliberately, and tanks and snipers joining i...
Read full storyPM admits sending convicts to Australia was an error
England has admitted it made a grave mistake in sending all its convicts to the new found land of Australia in 1788. PM Gordon Brown made a speech at the House of Commons yesterday in regard to the error. He claims newly uncovered documents outline...
Read full storyAssisted Suicide Bill Passed
With all the furore over MPs expenses, many will have not noticed that the Assisted Suicide Bill was passed in the House of Commons today. The Catholic church noticed, and they are up in arms about the new bill that will allow terminally ill patie...
Read full storyNorway win the Eurovision national anthem contest
After a gruelling evening of listening to no fewer than 41 new national anthems, judges today announced that the Norwegian one had won the contest. 'Raping and Pillaging, Ho Ho Ho', by The Bloodthirsty Vikings narrowly received the most votes, with D...
Read full storyBurlesque Queen Dita Von Teese Has Shower At Cannes
It wasn't quite the shower scene from Hitchcock's Psycho and it didn't feature Janet Leigh, mother of Jamie Lee Curtis, getting stabbed up in the nude. But Dita Von Teese, the burlesque queen caused quite a storm in a Cannes nightspot by performing a...
Read full storyCIA's Panetta briefs Obama on Pakistan's missing nukes
Langley, Va - (AssoCIAted Mess): "Mr President only last week we learned that Mossad's Lahore desk chief has stolen and buried up to a dozen Pakistani nuclear warheads under his residency garage," CIA Director Leon Pancetta told President Obama today...
Read full storyScientists discover new forms of human parasite
Scientists in Oxford today announced the discovery of new forms of human parasites, the Primi Ministeriae, and began reseaching effective pesticides to get rid of them. 'The parasites were spotted in West London', parasitologist Dr Jeckyll Wormta...
Read full storyGeorge W. Bush bushed
It was a very sad and withdrawn George W. Bush that faced reporters here on Monday. Speaking from his family's ranch in Texas, the ex-United States President admitted that the constant mockery of his supposed lack of intelligence is very hard on him...
Read full storyWacko Jacko Skin Cancer Con
Michael Jackson does not have skin cancer after all. Newspaper reports which claimed he did were a tissue of lies gleaned from numerous dubious sources such as satirical websites and Jackson himself. Jackson's personal surgeon, Victor Frankenstein...
Read full storyMass Influenza Pandemic Doesn't Happen
After months of government scaremongering, and using the outbreak of a distant relation of the common cold to blank out bad news about failing banks and Labour MPs being thieves, it was finally admitted that the pandemic they'd tried to make people g...
Read full storyDouglas Hogg Pulls Up Drawbridge To Avoid Being 'Demoated'
More chaos at the Commons this lunchtime, after it was announced that Douglas Hogg, the man who claimed more than £2,200 on his MPs expenses for 'moat clearance', had 'pulled up his drawbridge', and is to resign from politics. Hogg, who denied hav...
Read full storyNHS Budget cuts
The NHS plans to cut billions off its annual budget by bringing the administration aspect of the organisation into the clinical care area. "We noticed that we had a surfeit of stationary supplies at the end of the last budget year," said Phil Hope...
Read full storyPregnancy Confusion Ends Happily
There was a happy ending today, to the story of one 12-year-old boy known only as 'X', when medical tests to ascertain whether or not he had fathered a child, showed that the young lad was NOT the father. Instead, the results proved, beyond doubt,...
Read full storyHamlet makes maiden speech In Commons
Hamlet was today elected MP in the Elsinore South by-election, and here is his maiden speech: 'To claim or not to claim, that is the question; Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous newspapers, Or to take meals in a sea of top-class restaurants, And by overeating, end their entire kitchen supplies. To swill, to drink, Plenty more, and by a sleep we h...
Read full storyMajor Antonius Julius Argus Xerxes Part-4
When the boar became fatally weak, Antonius shouted, "Captain, let go." Captain reluctantly let go of the boar's testicles. Major patted him on the head. Antonius, to avoid attracting wolves and hyenas near his flock, did not want to leave the carcass in the open. He knew there was a deep shaft nearby; but who could drag the 90-kilogram heavy carcass on the rugged terrain? While he was thinking, t...
Read full storyWelcome to the Jeremy Clarkson regime!
In a thrilling contest at the polls, Jeremy Clarkson's Petrolhead Party, slammed Gordon Brown's ruling Labour Party at the polls yesterday, meaning that Clarkson now officially takes over as Prime Minister of Great Britain. In his first act as Pri...
Read full storyEngland Bids for 2018 World Cup: Parliamentarians Offer to Foot the Bill
England is bidding for the 2018 World Football Cup and the resources for such an expensive undertaking seem to be on the ready. MPs from far and near are offering to provide lodging for the world's teams as they converge upon John Bull's Island.
Read full storyNY Archdiocese Sells All Its Unprofitable Churches to Walmart
Generations of New York City Roman Catholic families have celebrated their baptisms, marriages and funerals under the towering spires of their local parish churches. That was at least, until the Archdiocese under Cardinal Eddie "Efficiency Expert" Eg...
Read full storyMedeved and Putin Arrested at Gay Rights Rally in Moscow
Moscovian undercover police dressed in drag attacked gay rights demonstrators in newly dubbed Pink Square near the Kremlin. Forty demonstrators were arrested and charged with independence of spirit, one of the crimes that once sent millions to th...
Read full storyOsama Bin Laden Captured In Rhode Island
PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island - After years of evading capture Osama Bin Laden's flight has ended. He was captured by the Pawtucket Police Department as he sat in room 19 at a downtown Pawtucket Motel 6. Captain Payton Basilicatta of the PPD said tha...
Read full storyObama Sends Mormon Missionary as Ambassador to Mainland China
After studying carefully the one child policy of the Peoople's Republic of china, the Obama administration has decided to conquer the growing chinese world power by introducing a baby-making "virus" called LDS or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter...
Read full storyObama Supports Cap and Trade on Nocturnal Emissions
After eight years of the most sexsually prurient president, followed by two terms of the abstinence only crowd, president Obama has had to tread lightly in the area of sexsual matters. This prudence seems to be changing as the Obama administratio...
Read full storyCarrie Prejean Kicked Out of Vista, CA Church
SAN DIEGO, CA - While attending services at the West Coast Evangelical Church in Vista, CA this Sunday, reigning Miss California Carrie Prejean was unceremoniously removed from the premises after refusing to shut her mouth despite repeated requests b...
Read full storyBoy Spends Year in K-9 School
Sheboygan, Wi. - A boy, whose parents enrolled him in canine obedience school by mistake, went unnoticed by the staff for nearly a year. Jurgi Rudmin, aged ten, isn't particularly bright or verbal, but he does look good with long hair. His parent...
Read full storyBiden Forced to Admit Stool Sample He Submitted for Exam Belonged to Someone Else!
Dover, Delaware/ Forensenic Cold Case Files - "When it rains it pours...and then it rains some more and you feel like you're being water boarded as the Truth continues to catch up with you," those were the words uttered by VP Joe Biden as the shit s...
Read full storyLady Gaga - The Truth Behind The Costumes
She's renowned for wearing the most outrageous costumes in the business, but nobody ever really knew why. Until I had the bottle to reveal the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. She's got a face like a slapped arse! Lady Gaga, c...
Read full storySpoof Writer Served With Divorce Papers On Anniversary
A rude awakening today for a spoof writer, who can't be named here for legal reasons, as he tapped venomous spoof stories on his keyboard, taking the piss out of real life tragedies like the disintegration of Jordan and Peter's marriage and the gradu...
Read full storySpoof Star Trek Saga Has Far Reaching Consequences
It seemed like a straight forward enough assignment, take a bunch of spoof writing nut jobs and get them to cobble together an amusing team effort Star Trek spoof for the enjoyment of spoof readers everywhere. Just make it like a proper Star Trek sto...
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