Washington - (Wet Dream Mess): The President has unveiled dramatic new standards for US nocturnal emissions in a bold bid to wean Americans off cheap imported foreign smut.
"It's time my fellow Americans took themselves in hand and tossed aside illusory hopes for delayed gratification," Obama told Congress today.
"I aim to set a personal example for the country with a minimum of five daily and five nightly emissions.
"For a man of my age and circumstances I think this is achievable.
"Hopefully it will also establish a national benchmark by which we can measure just hot we really are!"
But the motion was opposed by Senators from rust-belt and coal-mining states who said a continuous 24 hour hard-on was nothing more than a pain in the ass.
