Written by matwil

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

image for Hamlet makes maiden speech In Commons
Hamlet's second home, cleaned by his brother

Hamlet was today elected MP in the Elsinore South by-election, and here is his maiden speech:

'To claim or not to claim, that is the question;
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous newspapers,
Or to take meals in a sea of top-class restaurants,
And by overeating, end their entire kitchen supplies.
To swill, to drink,
Plenty more, and by a sleep we hope to end
The heartburn and the natural indigestion
To sleep, perchance to snore
When we have shuffled off on another holiday to the Med
We must pause at the Duty Free. We have no self-respect,
The insolence of defrauding the taxpayer, and snaffling up all the perks
To grunt and sweat like a prescott under an easy life,
But that the dread of being found out that we fiddled our expenses
The unemployed brother we paid thousands for cleaning our golden bars
But makes us rather fat and wealthy
Then fly to the bahamas and hope they know not we filch so heartily
And thus the native resolution to steal
Is sicklied o'er with the pale sheet of newsprint,
And enterprises of great snitch and thievery
With this regard their voters go awry
And lose the seat to any old guy

Interpretation: Hamlet, Prince of Thieves, has clearly shown dissatisfaction with the Parliamentary expenses system, where you can claim for everything from your dog's toenails being clipped to luxury holidays, and even a mortgage on a castle.

But he advises caution, in case the 'resolution to steal is sicklied o'er with the pale sheet of newsprint', but nevertheless is openly admitting that he'll take everything he can, and will indeed become as fat and wealthy as a grunting Prescott.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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