The NHS plans to cut billions off its annual budget by bringing the administration aspect of the organisation into the clinical care area.
"We noticed that we had a surfeit of stationary supplies at the end of the last budget year," said Phil Hope, junior minister for health. "We have put this down to the sacking of Thomas Leaf, when it was discovered he was selling our stationary supplies on the market."
When asked what this had to do with slashing the NHS budget, Hope was expansive. "We have decided to replace sutures with bulldog clips, and medical clamps with paper clips. Treasury tags will be used to tie off internal haemorrhaging, retractable pencils will replace syringes, whilst the several tons of photocopying paper we seem to have accrued will be used as plaster of Paris to set breaks in fracture clinics up and down the country. We also have managed to obtain three hundred and fifty tonnes of toilet roll, which we will use in place of bandages.
"With the cost of medical supplies far exceeding that of stationary supplies, we believe we can cut £1.1billion off the total NHS budget by switching to this cheaper alternative."
Asked what other plans he had for the NHS, Hope said that he was looking into a way to reuse photocopier toner and elastic bands.
