The Star Wars Robots' feud continues - CP30 refuses to invite R2D2 to gay wedding
CP30 has married his long term partner Robo-cop in a civil ceremony and snubbed his co-star of over thirty years.... R2-D2. The two robots have starred in all the 'Star Wars' films since 1978, but are barely on speaking terms. CP30 has been desc...
Read full storyThe ECB Put The 'Jolly' Back Into County Cricket
In an effort to make the "gentleman's game" a bit more manly, the England and Wales Cricket Board have voted in favour of major alterations to the way the game is played. Following consultation with players and officials alike, the most radical o...
Read full story"Obamas Are Porno Crackers!"
White House Interracial Porn Update - The latest movie release on the official Obama web site states "Watch white girls go crazy over Obama's big black cock!" Michelle's posts also state the truth to the old saying "Once you go with a white bi, yo...
Read full storyObama - "I Know Where You Live!"
There has been a flurry of posts on the official Obama web site recently about his exponential skills in the use of IT. Using the new OOble feature called OOble Map Track, which allows OoBama to perform reverse lookup searches on any global human...
Read full storySusan Boyle responsible for recent ice breakup, say scientists
Anarchic Shelf - Stunned with the accelerated manner in which the giant icebergs are falling into the ocean, scientists have been forced to consider another cause of the breakup of the Wilkins Ice Shelf in the anarchic. "For those of us that ar...
Read full storyJoanna Lumley Arrested On Knife Charges
The actress turned political agitator, Joanna Lumley, who appeared as Purdey in the New Avengers and Bolly swigging chain-smoking Patsy in Ab Fab, was arrested today by some policemen on charges of waving a knife about in a public place. Lumley, w...
Read full storyObama Comes Clean At Last
Addressing a crowd in St Louis , Missouri, President Obama today indicated that there was a long hard slog ahead for the United States in the months and years to come. The President promised the crowd that he would right the things that are wrong...
Read full storyTin Foil Hat nutter Madsen 'is innocent, ok?' as Alan Stanford supergrass gunned down outside London jail
London - (Magnum Ass Mess): Conspiracy theory nutter Wayne Madsen is as smug as a bugger in a rugger scrum today despite his March 19 arrest by Federal agents on perversion of justice charges in the continuing saga of Mexican drug cartel innocent Sir...
Read full storyBritish troops withdraw from Iraq
In 2003, British and American troops penetrated Iraq from the bottom and controlled it throughout a violent and bloody struggle over the last six years. But today, in a pleasing climax to the lengthy affair, British troops withdrew, leaving a hole to...
Read full storyPolice Recruitment Not Fair
The UK's disability watchdog, Disabled Action, have attacked UK police forces for not doing enough to recruit disabled people. A spokesman said, "It's terrible. We have discovered that less than 0.5% of the UK police force are disabled, but among...
Read full storyLOST: The Lost Episode
Scene: green, lush jungle, with huge weird rocks dotted about that look a bit like faces. A chap with three-day stubble is bent over another chap who's stretched out in the mud. He's improvising a tracheotomy by piercing the prone dude's neck with a fountain pen Jack: My father's pen. It'll have to do. Kate! Swabs, I need swabs! Kate: But Jack ... Jack: NOW Kate! Kate runs through the jung...
Read full storyTeen queens, Brenda Song and Miley Cyrus plot revenge on the Jonas Brothers
Teen queens, Brenda Song and Miley Cyus recently talked to me about revenge, the Jonas Brothers and their love lives. Brenda, 20, and Miley, 16, both claim that they dated a member of the Jonas Brothers. Miley and Nick Jonas, the youngest Jonas Brother, dated in the past. Miley claims they were "in love". Brenda and Joe Jonas were also once an item in 2008, they reportedly kept their relation...
Read full storyMan catches cold!
A Dudley man has today been diagnosed with a cold. He was reported to be sneezing, coughing, and felt a bit sweaty and tired. He claims that he caught the cold from a friend of his, who had recently returned from holiday in Mexico. It is thought t...
Read full storyAssassination attempt on Dutch royal family shocks nobody apart from The Smurfs
A desperate, pathetic attempt to assassinate the Dutch royal family flopped with impunity on oranjes Koninginnedag (Queens Day, no, no, not that other species "camped" out in gay ol Amsterdam!) in the middle of Appeldorn, Holland (where the fuck is t...
Read full storyPiglet Banned From Disneyland Due to Swine Flu
(Anaheim-CA) Disneyland continues having a difficult time living up to its "Happiest Place on Earth" promise. Only two weeks after employees took over the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride, the character of Piglet has officially been banned due to swin...
Read full storyThe Arkansas Razorbacks To Change Their Name
LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas - Coach Biffy "Pigskin" McBiddle of the Arkansas Razorbacks called an emergency meeting of his players to give them some bad news. McBiddle told the players that the university's Dean of Academic Associate Academics Wellingto...
Read full storyGraham Norton Dies
UK funnyman Graham Norton, 59, and a devoted father of 8, died on stage on Tuesday night during his one man tour of Brighton. Norton, real name Norman Gratho, took his self titled show "Norton" to Brighton's Little Theatre, a former church in the...
Read full storyLee Iacocca Courted by Chryslur, Nearly Dies Laughing
DETROIT, MI - Lido Anthony "Lee" Iacocca, 84, nearly died in his home this morning while on the phone with Chryslur executives. When Iacocca took the helm of Chryslur in 1978, it was a struggling company, bailed out by the federal government in 19...
Read full storySaudi Girl, 8, Divorces Her 50-Year-Old Husband
ABBA, Saudi Arabia - Eight-year-old Meccaluna Sakafusha-Jizanni has filed for a divorce from her 50-year-old husband Taif Jizanni. Meccaluna was asked why she was divorcing her husband of six months and she replied that all he wants to do is just...
Read full storyPrince Harry 'has not washed his privates in two years'
London - (Squalid Ass Mess): Booze & Royals platoon leader Colonel Barking-Bonkers expressed surprise at Revelations (Chapter 666, verse 9/11) today that young House of Ratzinger royal wannabe Prince Harry 'has not washed his privates for two yea...
Read full storyDid Hillary Inhale?
Evidence is mounting that the tentacles of the Mexican drug cartels have infiltrated the highest echelons of the American political establishment. On May 1st, the American State Department, fresh from sponsoring a massacre of 600 odd women and ch...
Read full storyThe U.S. Will Close The Border
WASHINGTON D.C. - The United States government has decided that after thousands of complaints from concerned citizens it will be closing the border. White House Spokesperson LaVanna Leigh Lomax, 38, has informed the media that effective immediatel...
Read full storyNew Yorkers Accuse Obama Of Torture!
Whatever the deal was with the airplane buzzing New York City earlier this week, New Yorkers say that what it amounted to was torture. "If the Obama administration is going to put people for mistreating those poor little mass killers down at Gitmo...
Read full storyPaula Abdul gets fooled by Bruno
Is Paula Abdul a "Bruno" victim? Yep, Paula Abdul was fooled by her dog Bruno, who plays Bruno in the upcoming film of the same name. After Bruno does Dallas, you'd think that her dog would have a harder time convincing people that his Bruno chara...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh Attacks Obama
In his daily rant, Talk Radio's #1 Mouthpiece, Rush Limbaugh has launched into President Barack Obama once again this Friday morning. Saying, "Obama has the backbone of a squid", Limbaugh especially attacked Obama's plans to withdraw early from Ir...
Read full storyAdvanced Predictive Text for Mobile Phones
From this summer, top-of-the-range mobile phones will include a new advanced predictive text system. Not only does the system attempt to determine what you are typing and automatically complete words, it also thinks ahead to predict the rest of the...
Read full storyJ. Lo jealous of Jennifer Garner's babies
In an exclusive interview J. Lo's friend and confidant spilled the beans to me about Jennifer Garner's babies. J. Lo's friend said that J. Lo made the comment that she was jealous because Jennifer Garner was having too many pretty babies with Ben.
Read full storyBritish bloke threatens Miss California LIVE on the BBC; Scotland Yard investigates
London, England - Scotland Yard, London's finest metropolitan police since 1864, was called to the set of a BBC studio when a bloke made a threat against Miss California's life, upsetting viewers at home. "The presence of Scotland Yard investigat...
Read full storyMessi 'dreams' of United move
Barcelona have been shocked by a sensational statement released by their star player, Lional Messi, stating that he 'dreams' of playing for Manchester United. The Argentine, nicknamed 'The Flea', is believed to be ready to hand in a transfer requ...
Read full storyJacqui Smith due to accept 'complete responsibility' before her shock resignation
Beleaguered Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has been set a new task by her cabinet colleagues, according to a secret report. Her new role is to attempt to collect the blame for all the Labour Party's problem issues over the next few weeks. So far s...
Read full storyNew Zealand to become part of EU
Wellington, NZ - New Zealanders are celebrating after the announcement yesterday that they have been accepted into the European Union. New Zealand is the actual furtherest from Europe that a country can possibly be, but officials overlooked this sma...
Read full storyHow Adam Lambert Landed In American Idol's 'Bottom Three'
HOLLYWOOD - The American Idol surprise of the season has occurred. Adam Lambert, the odds-on favorite to win the whole enchilada found himself in the 'Bottom Three' along with Kris Allen and Matt Giraud. Randy Jackson looked at Adam and said, "Hey bro, now listen up dawg, there must be a misprint, or a miscount, or something cause dawg, you got it. I mean dude listen up, I know Whitney Houston...
Read full storyPresenting The Fartblaster
Craptastic Industries is introducing yet another wonderful product, the Fartblaster. Whether you have gas everyday or just seem to develop it while out on a date or at Thanksgiving and Christmas time with the family, this is just what you need. Made of soft pliable flibber, the pointy end is easily placed slightly up your rectum and fluffs out so that it will stay poot. The Fartblaster al...
Read full storyBarack Obama Announces New Cost-effective Sport
Tabloids were shocked today when the President of the United States, Barack Obama, announced that in light of the recent economic crisis, the American government plans to downplay baseball and football in order to make more cost effective sports.
Read full storyNew eco friendly cars made of used milk bottles and run on recycled sewerage
Tokyo, Japan - the world's leading city in innovation has just released its latest and brightest invention - a car made of used milk bottles which runs on recycled sewerage. The invention is being hailed one of the greatest of all time, perhaps even...
Read full storyManchester United Boss Gives Thumbs-Up To Llewelyn-Bowen Appointment
Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, has applauded the decision by the Football Association to hire the services of well-known designer and presenter of BBC1 DIY home improvement programme, Changing Rooms, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, in a bid t...
Read full story"I left my sandwich at home" MP explains why he expensed £1,000 for lunch
Whitehall, London - An MP has been queried over an expense submitted for £1,000 for "lunch." Under the "Description" in the spreadsheet the MP called the expense "lunch for one at McDonalds to peruse important governmental documents". The unnamed M...
Read full story"Pitchman" Billy Mays' Historic Laryngeal Bypass Operation a Complete Success
ORANGE GLO, FL - When Discovery's Channel aired its new show "Pitchman," many viewers were surprised to find Billy Mays had a softer side. They can thank Dr. Les Lowden of Tampa General Hospital for this minor miracle. Just weeks before the show...
Read full storyTelemarketers in Gordon Brown's sights
United Kingdom Prime Minister Gordon Brown declared today that the biggest threats to humanity in the context of the modern world were not swine flu or Somali pirates but pesty telemarketers ringing people at inappropriate times. Brown believes t...
Read full storySean Penn and Robin Wright Penn Separate
HOLLYWOOD - Actor Sean Penn, 48, has filed for a legal separation from his wife Robin Wright Penn, 43. Sean stated that the reason for the separation is the old standard irreconcilable differences. He was asked to elaborate and the two-time Osc...
Read full storyPythoners Declare: My Hovercraft is No Longer Full of Eels
The once plentiful supply of British eels and their penchant for taking refuge in hovercraft seems to be tragically coming to an unexpected end. England's rivers once ran so heavy with fresh water eel that even a non Christian could walk on water...
Read full storyChanelle, Chantelle and Chanticleer Fear Barnyard Life has Brought Swine Flu Infection
Celebrities, fore and aft in the western world have managed to steer clear of the swine influenza, or so movie mags and gossip rags have thought up to now. Some are fearing that Big Brother starlets Chantelle and Chanelle's intimate close contact...
Read full storyJade Goody Died of the Swine Flu for Our Sins
A cult in Pigfart on the Thames has begun preaching its apocalyptic dogma at airports, ship piers and helicopter and hovercraft docks across the UK. The religious community's prophet, Olde Nasty Git claims to have had a vision in which the deceas...
Read full storyIowa Prepares for Swine Flu and Gay Couples Epidemic
Up until recently the great state of Iowa was known only for its unending Presidential caucuses and endless porcine corpses. Haed politics and easy pork chops could very well have been the state motto. That is until the State Supreme Court appli...
Read full storySwine Flu Fulfills Prophecy : When Pigs Fly
So many skeptical citizens of the world have dismissed new ideas, inventions and cures by mouthing the trite exclamation: "Yeah, when pigs fly!" Optimist societies across the globe are blaming those very glass half empty negativists for the emerge...
Read full storyHow I, Simon Cowell, Learned Everything I Know From Working on Stanley Kubrick's 'The Shining'
Hollywood, USA [UPI] - I was a young lad and my first 'real' job was actually working as a runner on the movie 'The Shining' by Stanley Kubrick. I wasn't expecting it to amount to much but what I learned over those several weeks would prove to be crucial in my later life as a multi-millionaire record executive and television talent scout. I reflect back on those days fondly. One day we were sho...
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