Barbara Bush Has surgery
Barbara Bush, mother of ex president George W. Bush is recovering from heart surgery. A pig valve was inserted into the 83 year old ex first lady and she oinked on awakening from the surgery. Her husband made the following statement: "Now that th...
Read full storyRabble-Rousing Republican Rebel Retards
Republicans, upset over their loss of power in the last election, have decided upon some new political tactics. Tactics that anyone who went through Kindergarden should recognize. Right wingers are ganging together and going against everything...
Read full storyRetired Bush Has Trouble Getting Advice From Former Aides
George W. Bush, now bereft of advisors, is finding it hard to get things done in his retirement. Being used to having everyone spoon feed him information has left the former Chief of State without a clue as to what to do with all his time. He tried c...
Read full storyGeorge Cole Arrested In Ashley Cole Mix-up
There was trouble in west London in the early hours of this morning, when a man answering the description of 'Cole' was arrested after an incident in a bar in South Kensington. George Cole, 83, was apprehended by officers from the Metropolitan pol...
Read full storyRussians Find A Doorway Into Great Britain Through Football
The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming! Manchester United was recently purchased by Russian oil millionaire Ralif Safin, founder of oil company Lukoil. Mr. Safin is following in the footsteps of Russian entrepreneur Roman Abramovich who pu...
Read full storyObama's Cool in Danger of Going Tepid
President Barack Obama has reportedly hired a team of special advisors in the wake of news that his cool status among voters was in danger of becoming tepid or even lukewarm by the time he completed his first 100 days in office. "Look," said a top...
Read full storyMichael Jackson To Perform In England
LONDON - Michael Jackson, 50, going on 18, has passed all of the required medical tests in order to perform concerts in the United Kingdom. Jackson who has not performed a concert since 2001, is still very much in debt owing $7 million to Prince A...
Read full storyBeatles Fans To Get Beatles Video Game September 9th
Fans of The Beatles who have always wanted to sing alongside John and Paul, or rock with George and Ringo, will finally get their chance on September 9 when the band's much-anticipated videogame hits the shelves. Although John Lennon will be featu...
Read full storyPakistan Attack: The Fallout Begins
Following the horror of the terrorist attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team recriminations have begun. Former England opening batsman and now match referee Chris Narrow complained bitterly "As soon as the terrorists opened fire the police ran away...
Read full storyHeeeeeeeerrrrreeeess Ed McMahon - In The Hospital!
A spokesman for Ed McMahon says a lengthy hospital stay hasn't dampened his spirits one bit as he prepares to mark his 86th birthday, drinking like a fish. "We keep hearing him in there behind the door telling visitors that they may have already w...
Read full storyReward Offered For Sudanese President Bashir
The International Criminal Court issued an arrest warrant for Sudanese President Omar Hassan al-Bashir on Wednesday for war crimes in Darfur in a decision that could spark even more regional turmoil. The warrant is the first issued against a sitti...
Read full storyTurkey Releases Sins For Women, Small Indiscretions For Men Handbook
Turkey's Religious Affairs Foundation, which is affiliated with the government's Religious Affairs Directorate, has issued their latest handbook to help Turkish people be more religious. The Marriage Handbook advises women that breast enlargement,...
Read full storyHow They Work: Wind Turbines
Wind turbines, the vast grey propellers that are popping up all over the country, are hailed for their ecological benefits. But how many people actually know how they work? I was lucky enough to attend a recent press briefing on the subject, and was amazed by the difference between the public perception of wind turbines and the actual facts. For instance, most people seem to believe that the...
Read full storyTraining Artists To Be Productive Members Of Society
The 21st Century have given us a plethora of computer driven art, literature, and music in recent years rendering creativity obsolete. The question becomes: How to integrate the artist into the 9 to 5 world? Dr. Borg Swayze, Professor of Social Conformity at Midland City College had this to say, "Artists aren't like you and I; they rise in the mid-afternoon, stumble around their little bohe...
Read full storyJade Goody has only 9½ weeks left
I was revealed today that the unfortunate Jade Goody has only 9½ weeks left. The reality show winner, who, despite what everyone has said about her, has been sadly stricken with cancer, was said to be further devastated by the news that she offici...
Read full storyTop Ten reasons NOT to trust Gordon Brown
In my article today I list the ten reasons to NEVER trust our prime minister, Gordon Brown. 10. He is Scottish 9. His mouth is askew when he speaks 8. He hates Achmed the Dead Terrorist (who can't resist him?) 7. He lives at No. 10 6. He has wife 5. He enjoys watching Alastair Darling make mistakes, only to make the same ones the next week! 4. He spens more time online than with his wife...
Read full storySunday's apocalyptic numerology clue to recession bloodbath
The Cosmos - (Special Sick Relationship Mess): Sunday's awesome Sun/Saturn opposition is being hailed as the ultimate omen that the credit crunch's evil queen bee is about to go belly-up. The Pisces/Virgo clash occurs at 19.52GMT in a spooky numer...
Read full storyLib Dems call for ban on OAP drinking
The discovery that soaring numbers of elderly people are being treated on the NHS for alcohol related illnesses has led to calls for a ban on the sale of alcohol to over-65s. "It's disgraceful that large numbers of OAPs are consuming vast amounts...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Arrested
Chelsea and England Footballer Cheryl Cole was arrested today following an attempt to scale Mount Kilimanjaro in a charity stunt for Comic Relief. Cheryl, who is married to West Ham striker Carlton Cole is alleged to have become abusive to police af...
Read full storyJaded publicist turns on 'Little Miss Goody Two Shoes'
London - (Celeb Big Racist! Mess): Jaded PR guru to gullible Z-Lister celebs Max Headroom today told his top cash-cow client to stop milking the headlines. Max, 69, was overheard in the Royal Mars Den effing and blinding about how he'd had to 'sel...
Read full storyLiverpool RedMen subject of new DIC takeover bid.
The famous US scouse soccer team the Liverpool Redmen look like changing hands again as it is rumoured Middle Eastern investors Dubai International Capital (DIC) are looking at launching their tenth bid to buy the American club. Chad Arlington the...
Read full storyQuiz of the Week
Yes, it's time for you to test your knowledge with another Quiz of the Week! As always, I'll provide the answers, and the winner will be the commenter who provides the funniest questions. The answers for this week are: 1. In Gordon Brown's right sock; 2. Under the Governor's sofa in Threadneedle Street; 3. Behind the third bush from the left on Hampstead Heath at midnight; 4. In...
Read full storyThe Rolling Stones Detained At Heathrow Airport
LONDON - Mick Jagger, 65, Keith Richards, 65, Ron Wood, 61, Bill Wyman, 72, and Charlie Watts, 67, whose combined ages is 330! were all detained for questioning at London's Heathrow Airport. It seems that the lads had stashed over 24,000 counterfe...
Read full storyPakistani Terrorist Sketches Released
Police in Pakistan have released sketches of four men suspected of involvement in Tuesday's ambush of the Sri Lankan cricket team in Lahore. It is thought that up to 14 gunmen were involed, but the Pakistan government have said that only four are...
Read full storyLimbaugh Caught On The Pill Again
According to the latest rumor, Rush Limbaugh has once again been caught last week at an airport with two bottles of Viagra with another person's name on them. Limbaugh, who reportedly called the security officers "some of Obama's Chicago little th...
Read full storyAshley Cole Arrested For Being Ashley Cole
Problems in the capital this morning, as Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole, the husband of the Britain's Got Talent judge, Cheryl Cole, was arrested by police and charged with being Ashley Cole. Police raided west London's Collection Bar &a...
Read full storyMP League Tables to be Published
In keeping with the Government's push for accountability and transparency, the House of Commons is planning to publish a table showing key information about every MP. The individual elements of information that make up the table will all be given...
Read full storyApple Technology Labs go into overdrive
Apple's boffins have been hard at work in the patent office ensuring that they have the future covered for all eventualities. First out of the door is the iOpener, a new style tin opener that promises to revolutionise the food industry by opening...
Read full storyJason "Crybaby" Mesnick - The Bachelor's Ten Favorite Songs
SEATTLE - Jason Mesnick, who was ABC's 2009 "Bachelor" spent an awful lot of time crying, sobbing, and weeping on the finale as well as on the two "After The Rose" follow up shows. A reporter for The Seattle Voice-Crier wrote that "Crybaby" Mesnic...
Read full storyCity Suffers Massive Power Cut
The City of London has this morning been hit by a massive power cut, blacking out most of the Square Mile's financial institutions and leaving bankers and traders unable to work. The power cut is believed to have been caused by every single one of...
Read full storyLondon Security Cameras Reach Saturation Point
A report commissioned by the Government into the use of security and other CCTV cameras in the capital has discovered that there are now more cameras in London than there are people. With the average camera costing £2000 to deploy this means that...
Read full storyAlaska and New England to be sold
In a surprise move this morning, President Barak Obama announced that because of the recession, Alaska and New England were to be sold. Alaska was bought from the Russians in 1865 for $71million, so is probably worth over $1billion now (without Sarah...
Read full storyDai Jones makes referee see red
The Welsh Second Division football team, Llanfair-pwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Athletic has completely flummoxed referee David Jones during their match with Llanfynydd United on Saturday. Gogogoch Athletic had fielded a team...
Read full storyMI5 to monitor all mobile phone calls and emails
MI5, Britains top-secret spy organisation, have let it be known that they will be monitoring all email and mobile phone traffic. The job of monitoring has been handed to Capita, who usually get these sort of multi-million pound Government contracts.
Read full storyBritish Government To Charge For Use Of English Language
Government ministers are this morning putting the finishing touches to a plan which will see countries that use the English language as their means of communication being charged for it. Countries such as the US, Australia, New Zealand, South Afri...
Read full storyJacko Announces New Contract with Millennium Dome
Veteran entertainer Michael Jackson has announced a new two-year contract with the Millennium Dome, squashing speculation he was to work in Las Vegas or Dubai. In what has been announced as a 'major coup' for the venue, Jackson, 50, will take on t...
Read full storyGordian Knot Brown Comes All over Congress, Again and Again
Great and notso great Britain's PM Gordian Knot Brown has often been suspected of being in the closet. Not the sexual orientation one, so much, though the jury is still out on most John Bull's boyos but the americanophile pantry... Many a Britis...
Read full storyManiac Ramirez
Maniac Ramirez, this is the man who turned Beantown into Madmen by slumping, then scoring, then faking injuries from cancer to leprosy. Finally the RedSox nation received a reprieve and the Washington Heights, NY nutjob moved on to punish a man who h...
Read full storyMcCain Texts his Way into the Nuthouse
Presidential Race also ran John Mccain seemed to brag during the campaign that he didn't even know how to use email, nevermind, the new fangled texting and twittering. All that has been changed as the Republicant has been spending countless hours tex...
Read full storyRihanna Reveals Her Bikini Line Tattoo
CHICAGO - Rihanna fresh from taking Chris (Brown) back after her horrendous fall in which she received facial bruises, a swollen lip, a bloody nose, as well as various other scrapes, abrasions, and cuts says she has never been happier. She told Ka…
Read full storyObama to Sing with Salt N Peppa
His skin may be mocha but his hair we swear was jet black when he first graced the cover of jet magazine and announced his boogie on down the Presidential road. But recent shots of the Barack in Chief have shown some tell tale silver threads among th...
Read full storyCountryhide has Changed its Side
One of the worst perpetrators of housing mortgage scams, Countryhide once advertised itself as "Countryhide is on your side". Since then the grifters of the bad debt department has gone belly up and has rolled over seemingly dead on its side. Lik...
Read full storyThe Return of Tatiana Del Toro (Ole!)
HOLLYWOOD - Tatiana Del Toro is back! The Puerto Rican drama queen of all drama queens has been given an "American Idol" reprieve. The four A.I. judges have named "Tats" as one of the eight wild card contestants. When Tatiana was announced as...
Read full storyBush's Brain, Karl Rove to Testify Against Bush's Ballslessness
Congress will question Karl Rove, Bush' Brain who occupied the former president's empty cranium back to the Texas daze. The site of the interrogation fittingly will be Nuremburg, Ohio and many believe that Rove will tell Congress that he was just fol...
Read full storyBritish Author Somehow Caught Up In Guinea-Bissau Turmoil
British author Frederick Forsyth has told the BBC how he was accidentally once again caught in the turmoil this week in the tiny West African state of Guinea-Bissau, rocked by the assassinations of its president and army chief. The best-selling au...
Read full storyObama's Budget Director Defends Tax Increase; Everybody Bend Over & Spread Their Cheeks!
The White House Budget Director Peter Orszag on Tuesday defended President Barack Obama's $3.6 trillion federal budget and its proposal to raise taxes on more affluent Americans. "We have lived through an era of total irresponsibility," Orszag to...
Read full storyMudslide Manor Hoodlums Complain To County Sheriff
"The pavements are full of dog poop and toddling old farts", a spokesperson for the criminal classes of Mudslide Manor complained to the County Sheriff at an open meeting at the courthouse, Wednesday night. "Only last week, one of our muggers ha...
Read full storyFiscally Conservative Couple Arrives in Heaven
Heaven: Dick and Jane arrived here today after a very bizarre accident took their lives. A rabid environmentalist was fitting a Methane gas suppressor to a cow's posterior surface, when the device exploded. The environmentalist was covered in cow flo...
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