Food Industry Touts Health Benefits Of Heroin
Leading food industry specialists are now touting the health benefits of heroin. Following a trend in which food substances formerly famous as being detrimental to health are now 'discovered' to have healthy attributes, heroin, once seen as a vic...
Read full storyMysterious Black Hole Named AIG Appears In U.S.
Scientists have discovered that black holes, those mysterious, dark spots in the universe that suck everything around them into themselves, have been discovered closer to the earth than suspected. One particularly dangerous one called AIG has been...
Read full storyVAT to be scrapped
A leaked Government report has declared that the UK's 17.5% VAT is set to be replaced by a new tax that will transparently be aimed at fleecing the poorest members of our society even further. The new tax, entitled B.E.D. (Bleed Em Dry) tax will b...
Read full storyToilet torcher caught in San Francisco
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - According to my source, secret agent Yskinmien (whose name has been changed for his protection), the toilet torcher has been caught. The toilet torcher has been torturing toilets around the area with explosive diarrhea. He then...
Read full storyPope caught wearing condom in Africa
Angola - (Holy Ass! Mess): Despite haranguing the faithful masses about the evils of spreading deadly aides (sic) through condom wear the Pope was caught with one of the filthy rubber johnnies on his Papal staff this week. A Vatican internal prob...
Read full storyKate Middleton: My Natasha Richardson Copycat Skiing Tragedy Fears
The Alps - (Klosters/Sloshters Mess): Desperate wannabe royal drama queen Kate Middleton freaked out today over fears of a 'copycat tragedy incident' in the Swiss Alps this week where she and William are courting free media publicity. "Some people...
Read full story10 songs of hate
As cheesy, niceguy politicians like Barack Obama and Tony Blair, and even Gordon Brown, become more and more common, an antidote to the nausea they are creating was brought out today by the music industry - a CD, 'Ten Songs Of Hate', and this is the track listing: * 'All You Need Is Hate', The Beatles * ''Put Out My Fire With A Rusty Old Fire Extinguisher', The Doors * ''Wintertime In T...
Read full storyIdiots Throw Away Some Good Shit
Doctoral student David Lennett filed a lawsuit against Britain's Leeds University in February because it's custodians had mistakenly thrown out research that he had been working with for the last seven years. Lennett is studying the rare Butaan li...
Read full storyTests show Clarkson is 'juvenile'
Tests on Jeremy Clarkson have revealed the perhaps unsurprising news that he has the brain of an eleven-year-old boy. Whilst he obviously is capable of fully-formed adult thought, doctors believe Clarkson suffers from 'Smart-Gillie Syndrome' whic...
Read full story15 More Amazing Facts That Will Stun Your Friends
You *can* get blood from a turnip. Some of nation's biggest doners come from the South. The character of Mr. Bill was created when Walter William's grandfather rolled over his toy Gumby with his wheelchair and little William shouted "Oh Shit!". He later change "Shit!" to "No!" Approximately one-tenth or a tithe of your life is spent trying to remember something. The skin on the average...
Read full storyIt's Geoff Boycott's Corridor of Uncertainty V
We have had a letter from abroad. All the way from the Caribbean. Dear Geoff Ever since I was a kid I've struggled with maths. All the other children used to laugh at me in school. But I was real determined to prove them all wrong. I worked hard and eventually I got a really good job in the West Indies. But disaster! I never knew that my job would involve solving equations and doing arith...
Read full storyTallahassee to get giant Aardvark
In an effort to boost the local economy, and in moves to rival the "Giant Baboon of Memphis", Tallahassee in Florida is to get it's own 300-foot-long aardvark. The aardvark was native to that part of North America before being wiped out by early sett...
Read full storyPoliceman Sacked For Being A Liberal
A Policeman has been sacked for being a liberal and for not expressing racist views. The Metropolitan police moved quickly to reassert its policy of arresting black people and supporting Neo Nazis. The officer in question was seen to have helped a...
Read full storyLethal dose of aspartame approved for Idaho euthenasia - UPDATE 1
BOISE, Idaho - UPDATE-1 The US Congress has included the "Idaho Provision" in the new bill to cut down on medical expenses, since a lethal dose of aspartame turns out to be the cheapest way to kill an old person - legally. Dr. Strangedeath made a...
Read full storyHomosexual Extremists: We Will Stone All Muslims
An extremist group of gays based in Luton announced today that if they ever come to power all Muslim males who indulge in extremist preaching will be stoned to death. The group, known only as Al Queera, said that either a stoning or a death by a t...
Read full storyNew Mensa Arrives
DENSA, a rival to MENSA, for completely thick and stupid people, has been formed by Albert Barnswallow an unemployed dustman from Chatteris Cambridgeshire, England. 'Eres howit'll work' said Albert, gruffly, to local reporter Mandy Grimdyke. '...
Read full storyUK's voyeuristic Jade Goody saga to be followed by "Octu-Mom S.I.D.S. Watch" Reality TV show
London, England - Promising to be just as controversial, if not at least as tasteless, the UK's TV channel "Living" that brought you everything Jade Goody (including the three-part series of the Jade Goody cancer saga) has just signed a deal with Oct...
Read full storyObama is a hologram
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A Secret Service agent who wishes to remain secret, revealed today that President Obama is a hologram. The hologram is a projection from the special teleprompter. That teleprompter is always, by some strange coincidence, near the...
Read full storyObama takes eyes off telepromter and speaks in tongues
WASHINGTON, D.C. - My most special source deep within the secrest recesses of U.S Homeland Security gave me the following somber news account. Today at the White House, President Obama started off with a normal teleprompted speech to his cabinet...
Read full storyFergie Cracks At Cottage Crash
Sir Alex Ferguson, the knight of the realm and professional Scotsman was left fuming at events at Craven Cottage today. As Fulham beat Manchester United 2 0 he was left red faced and angry. Two of his star players were sent off during their 2 0 d...
Read full storyRoyal firm's adverts 'a load of bollocks'
Adverts for two herbal remedies, made by Bonny Prince Charlie's firm Quacky Aboriginal Nonsensicals, are 'complete and utter bollocks', the regulatory group Medicines That Often Dowork, MTOD, said today. 'The ads are total pish', MTOD's chief exec...
Read full storyBrown has contest for the Pound
LONDON, England - Brown called me to his office to release to me an exclusive story about the Pound. Brown felt that the Pound was in danger of being devalued by the emerging acmetal (ACME) world fiat currency, backed only by the IMF and the U.N., t...
Read full storyBuncefield arson 'caused by Chevron-smearing Putin thugs'
Hertfordshire - (Snake Oil Ass Mess): A High Court judge slammed Russian Prime Monster Vladimir Putin's hired thugs for the December 2005 arson attack on the Buncefield oil storage depot. Judge David Steel said that a series of global attacks on...
Read full storyPolice constable sacked by the Nazi Party
A police constable whose named appeared in a leaked list of tolerant left-wingers, has been sacked by the Nazi Party (NP). PC Steve Norahbatty was on a list of 21 million easy-going British people, who tend to dislike the police and like to live a...
Read full storyBattleship Buggerall Stars at UN
When the collective of writers originally penned the classic stories based around the Battleship Bugerall, they never dreamed for one minute that they would one day take centre stage at the United Nations. The success of the Below Decks stories ha...
Read full storyBoogertown Banner: Sudden Inspiration Shot To Blazes, Not By Me!
Local Boogertown used car dealer, Ronald "Porky" Arnold was really down when he left town for a weekend trip to see his daughter in Leechfield said several of his friends so the Boogertown Banner got on his trail to see what was up with Porky. I f...
Read full storyObama veggie patch/herb garden is 'medicinal marijuana' hahaha
Washington AC/DC - (BongHits4Barack! Mess): Forget terms like 'organic black-eyed has-beans' and 'macrobiotic mustard (gas)' because the Obamas certainly have. Something kinda unexpected is sproutin' down on the old White House home grown veggie p...
Read full storyBBC weather forecast
Here is today's BBC weather forecast, brought to you by the Corporation's multi-million pound computer graphics-run system, and lots of faceless men that wouldn't know their rain from their drizzle: 'At dawn the sun will rise, making temperatures increase, and will cause widespread thawing of frost and occasional mist, as always happens in March. This will be followed by widespread warmer air a...
Read full storySwiss Guard Referee
Swiss neutrality at its most extreme - Scottish Second Division sides East Fife and Stranraer F.C. met at Bayview Stadium yesterday and experienced surely the most bizarre events ever to take place in sport. Eleven minutes into the game, referee J...
Read full storyMissing President Obama found sittin' on the dock of the bay!
The FBI wound down their hunt for missing President Barrack Obama after he was found in San Francisco just sittin' on the dock of the bay watching time just washing away! The President had got himself a bucket of Kentucky,a bottle of Root beer an...
Read full storyGinola sends his hair to Jade Goody - "Cos sheez worth it!"
Tottenham legend and French playboy David Ginola has announced that he has despatched his hair to dying Jade Goody cos "Sheez worth eet!" Ginola speaking from beside his pool in St.Maxime gave us this exclusive scoop whilst trying to work out how...
Read full storyMuntazar Al- Zaida: "Shoe on the other foot as the gloves come off in court. Suspended (by the neck) sentence expected"
Thousands of Iraqis poured into the streets of Loaffarr in Baghdad recently in support of Muntazer al-Zaidi, who was catapulted from obscurity to worldwide celebrity after hurling his size ten loafers at former US President, George Bush. As the I...
Read full storyDEMS Can't Wait for Spring Break! What a Trip! Duds Go Wild!
Washington,DC/ Washington Post/Lifestyle Section - With the heat turned up in the capitol over repeated gaffes, missteps and autocratic pronouncements, fumbling Democratic legislators can't wait to get out of town and blow off a little steam! The...
Read full storyJade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody
Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody. Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody, Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody - Jade Goody Jade Goody Jade Goody. Jade Goody...
Read full storyHouse of Commons Bans Gallywolly
The House of Commons has banned the controversial MP Georgie Gallywolly from entering. The No Respect MP's support for a bunch of mass murdering religious fanatics has led to him no longer being welcome. The speaker Martin George said "The Prime Mini...
Read full storyJonathan Ross to Move Into "Cawavan" After BBC Pay Cut
Sir Michael Lyons, chairman of the BBC Trust, has announced a new round of pay cuts that could see some of the corporation's top stars with "substantial" drops in salary - some as big as 25%. The cuts, which also include a freeze on executive pay,...
Read full storyCarlos Tevez In 'West Ham Return' Shock
Manchester United fans are waking up to a real shock this morning, after it was revealed that their Argentine striker, Carlos Tevez, will be re-signing for West Ham United later today. The inclement weather prevalent in the Manchester area is thou...
Read full storyTop Ten Books w/e 27/03/09
1)"Madonna's Body Sublime Workout Book". You too can look fit, stringy and packed with muscle with the "singer's" 4-hour-a-day-workout plan. 2)"The John Cleese Book of String". A complete history of twine, string and rope from the ex-funny ex-Python. 3)"PUSH!..Huw Edwards' Book of Childbirth". Pain-free advice from the "News at Ten" anchor-man. 4)"Piers Morgan is a Cult". Second week in c...
Read full storyBarack Obama picked for Special Presidents team
American President Barack Obama was today removed from the White House and relegated to the Special Presidents team. After seeming able and capable in two years' campaigning to get elected, it now turns out that the African can't even appear on a dre...
Read full storySupport Group Slammed
A new support group for single black lesbian disabled mothers on benefits in Dudley, was slammed today by the local Maori population. 'What about us?' Anger grew as it became clear, that local Maori peoples wouldn't be able to benefit from the...
Read full storyJackson concerts now till 2018
Michael Jackson has added another 300 concerts to his "This is It" 2009 UK tour, to take the total number to 2,900 nights lasting until October 2018. It is estimated that Jackson will be seen by 58 million people on this tour, almost the complete...
Read full storyAnother Sorry-Ass Day In Boogertown
"Let me know when Larry gets his sorry ass in here to work this morning", Buddy Gooseneck told his secretary at the Boogertown Sawmill office Monday morning. Gooseneck had just about had it "up to here" with Millard Feltmore Johnson and his sorry-ass excuses for being late to work on Monday mornings because he'd seen him out drinking with his buddies once again over the weekend. At 11 AM, Go...
Read full storyThe Man Who Sold The World changes his mind
The man who sold the world, immortalised by eccentric English star David Bowie in a song and an album, today changed his mind, and put the world up for rent. Speaking from his stair, he spoke of was and when. 'Who knows?, he said, 'not me, I never lost control', and as this journalist was face to face with him, I asked him if he had any plans to try and sell the world again in the future. His a...
Read full storyBarack Obama To Release 'Peace' Single For Iran
It was announced this morning that US President, Barack Obama, is to release a Hip Hop version of "Love Will Build A Bridge" with over 50 of the World's pop legends, in the hope of "building some bridges with love" in Iran. In a press conference a...
Read full storyPoet Laureate Resigns: Ass Kissing is Bloody Fatiguing
Andrew Motion the British Poet Laureate who has authored ten Royal Poems has resigned. Motion admitted himself into a London hospital with a self confessed condition of tired lips. Motion told me that he had never had a job quite so taxing:...
Read full storyUtah Drinking Laws Lifted
Much to the surprise and relief of the Drinking Utes of mostly Mormon Utah, the state's many arcane alcohol regulation are being revised. For example, it is no longer necessary to show multiple marriage licenses to gain entrance to a drinking est...
Read full storyAlaskan guv Sarah Palin Will Only Accept Partial Obama Stimulation: Beneath the Waist Only, Please
Sarah Plain and Short on Smarts stuck to her guns and insisted that any stimulus from Washington, DC would be limited by her gubernatiorial good judgment. Palin insisted that she would not accept a package of stimulation that she did not find, well,...
Read full storyCharles Manson: AARP Cult Leader of the Year
The American Association of Retired Psychopaths has named 60'scult leader and mass murderer Charles Manson, Cult leader of the Year. Manson's newly released photograph per request of the LA Times made his selection a shoo in according to AARP cha...
Read full story"Thatcher Council House Sale A Bit Mad" Claims Some Bloke
Some bloke who we think we have seen before, but just can't quite remember has said that Margaret Thatcher's council house sell-off was a 'bit mad'. The bloke, known only as IDS, claimed that Thatcher had created no-go areas where scummy poor peop...
Read full storyWestern State Governors Organize Environmentalist Hunt
Cheyenne Wyoming: Governors from several western states convened here to organize the first annual joint sportsmen and environmentalist wolf hunt. Environmentalists from the various major "Earth Mother" organizations have been invited to join the hun...
Read full storyCristiano Ronaldo Cottaging Worry
Cristiano Ronaldo, the Manchester United whinger whose sexuality has often been the subject of much discussion, has said he is not looking forward to this afternoon's match at Fulham, and to the threat of a bit of cottaging. The Craven Cottage cro...
Read full story